Nedelja, 9. I 2005.
U
ovom broju donosimo: 1. Честитка
Čestitka
za pravoslavni Bo�ić i Novu godinu 1. 30
načina da zbunite Deda Mraza
Kako
da se na�alite sa Deda Mrazom na najzanimljiviji način. Taman imate da
se
pripremite za narednu Novu godinu
Mali
pogled sa �enske tačke gledi�ta.
101
rečenica koje NIKAKO ne smete reći tokom seksa!
Pesma
o hrvatskom ministru zdravlja koji je oti�ao u Austriju na
lečenje. Skoro je dao ostavku zbog zdravstvenog stanja. 7. SMS-ovke
(1-17)
Feljton
"Razni lapsusi" je zavr�en. Umesto njega idu zanimljive SMS-ovke.
ЧЕСТИТКА
30
NAČINA DA ZBUNITE DEDA MRAZA
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas" and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled". Threaten to sue.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
20. Cut a big hole in your roof and cover it with a blanket, so that when Santa tries to land on your roof his sleigh crashes into your living room. Explain that you've been having problems with termites.
21. Set up your living room to look like a workshop, and have people dressed up like elves making toys. When Santa comes, sneer and say, "What's the matter? Afraid of a little competition?"
22. While he's on the roof, yell up to Santa, asking if he'll mind adjusting your TV antenna. When he does so, tell him, "That's good" and don't let him move until the "commercial" comes on.
23. Put on a giant tree costume, and wear a sign that says, "Man-eating tree - Stay Back." When Santa comes, wave your arms angrily and chase him back up the chimney.
24. Shovel all the snow off of your roof, and replace it with whipped cream. Just when Santa is remarking how cute this is, light a bunch of firecrackers and throw them onto the roof. The explosions should make quite a mess, and maybe scare the reindeer away, too. If so, offer to loan Santa your car.
25. Scatter the parts of a disassembled bicycle around your living room. Get Santa to help you put it together.
26. Make your own stockings to hang over the fireplace. Have pictures on them of things like Santa getting hit in the head with a large rock, or Santa catching his beard on fire.
27. Put a note that says, "For Santa" on a can that's labelled "Rat Poison." Cross out the words "Rat Poison" and write "Yummy Cookies."
28. When Santa comes, act like you're wrapping Christmas presents. Have boxes that say things on them like "Dead Elf" or "Human Skull." If Santa asks, explain that they're for needy children.
29. Set up bowling pins in front of your fireplace. When Santa comes down the chimney, throw the ball at him. Angrily tell him to get out of your lane.
30.
Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come, and then
put up your fists and say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the
both of us."
NIJE
LAKO BITI �ENA
Molio se čovek Bogu da se sa�ali na njega jer mnogo radi i pati se dok mu �ena kod kuće u�iva i po njegovom mi�ljenju ne radi ni�ta....
- Sve bih Bo�e uradio kad bi mogao bar jednom da me zameni� da budem �ena, a ona mu�ko tako da je naučim lekciju kako je meni te�ko, a ona u�iva !!!
Bog je slu�ao ovo, sa�ali se, i odluci da mu usli�i �elju...
I tako sledeće jutro taj čovek se probudi kao nova �ena, rano ujutro, napravi doručak, spakuje sendviče za mu�a i decu za ručak da ponesu, probudi decu za �kolu, bori se krvavo sa decom dok ih obuče za �kolu na vreme, stavi ve� da se pere u ma�inu, izvadi meso iz zamrzivača, odveze decu u �kolu, stane na benzinsku i napuni gorivo, plati račune u po�ti i banci, pokupi mu�evo odelo sa hemijskog či�ćenja, brzo ode u supermarket i kupi �ta treba.
I tako bi negde oko 1:00 posle podne već kad se vrati, napravi krevete, izvadi ve� i prostre ga na �icu da se su�i, i stavi sledeću turu da se pere, usisa kuću, opere pod i WC, promeni krevetninu, pokupi i slo�i igracke u kutiju �to su deca razbacala, skuva ručak, ode i pokupi decu iz �kole, tamo ostane du�e jer deca prave probleme i ne uče pa ima mali razgovor sa učiteljem i direktorom, svađa se sa decom do kuće �to se ne pona�aju lepo u �koli, pomogne im sa �kolskim radom i zadacima, pokupi ve� i iznese drugi, nahrani decu, opere sudove, gleda malo TV dok pegla njegove ko�ulje za posao, okupa decu i stavi ih u krevet. Onda, kad je on do�ao s posla, postavi mu da jede, pripremi �ta će obući sutra, i onda jo� u krevetu vodi ljubav sa njim kao da je to sve na �ta je mislila celog dana i čekala, konačno sve to prođe nekako, i ona - on zaspa�
Sledeće jutro on se poče moliti Bogu da ga vrati nazad jer vidi sad i s�m koliko je pogre�io �to je tako mislio o �eni, molim te, molim, vrati me nazad kao �to sam bio jer ću poludeti ovako i ne mogu vi�e!!!
Slu�a to Bog pa mu odgovara :
- Dragi
sine, naravno, vratiću te nazad,
ali ima jedan mali problem� Moraće� da čeka� 9 meseci jer si
sinoć ostao TRUDAN!!
101
THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING SEX
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard? 39. Did I remember to take my pill? 40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? 41. I wish we got the Playboy channel... 42. That leak better be from the waterbed 43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! 44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. 45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? 46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.. 47. No, really... I do this part better myself! 48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! 49. This would be more fun with a few more people.. 50. You're almost as good as my ex! 51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape? |  |
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook too, right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101.
You mean you're NOT my blind
date?
NA�A
MALA KLINIKA
Doktore, mrzim svaki nalaz tvoj.
Zbog tebe ja mrzim �ivot svoj.
Kad nakon tol'ko godina
odjednom sam bolan ja,
to se te�ko prihvaća.
U bolnicu kada pođem ja,
prati me pet-�est rođaka.
Domaći doktori
ne bi znali pomoci
jo� bi me na groblje spremili.
Al' na sreću ja sam ministar.
Za na�e zdravstvo zaboli me kar.
Zemlja Austrija
ima pravih doktora,
ima pravog ministra.
A vas, sitnog zuba tamo nema.
Na�e zdravstvo vama tretman sprema.
Prvo narud�ba
pa godine čekanja
i euri s bocom whiskeya.
Raduje me jedna istina.
Iz Austrije vratit ću se ja.
Bit ću opet zdrav,
bijelih kuta ja sam car,
genijalni, zdravstva ministar.
(Original: "Zabranjeno pu�enje" � Zenica blues)
SMS-OVKE
(1-17)
6. Svijeća bez vatre ne mo�e gorjeti, ja pa bez tebe ne mogu �ivjeti.1. Za�to je Aladin imao probleme sa svojom princezom?...pročitaj njegovo ime unatrag.
2. Sviđa mi se kad me tvoje dlacice �kakljaju po mojim intimnim
dijelovima. svaki dan te s veseljem trljam do iznemoglosti. Moja draga
zubna Četka.
3. Nisam lijep kao Brad Pitt, jak kao Arnold
Schwarzenneger, nemam guzu kao Mel Gibson, nisam brz kao Jean-Claude
van Damme ni bogat kao Bill Gates, ali zato li�em kao Lassie.
4. Upozorenje: stanje na mu�karcima! Mu�karci su posvuda normalno
provozni, osim na centralnom dijelu, gdje je povremeno velika opasnost
naleta!
5. Upozorenje: stanje na �enama! �ene su na nekim
mjestima meke i tople, a u unutra�njosti mokre i skliske! Zato
upozoravamo vozače da prilagode brzinu!
8. Ta
sms poruka nije vama namijenjena, zato je ne smijete pročitati. Ako ste
je već pročitali, onda s glavom udarajte u zid, dok je ne zaboravite!
9. Ti si �ećer, ja sam med, pa smo zajedno sladoled.
10. Putuj listek bijeli i razveseli je, ako spava, probudi je, ako čuje, poljubi je.
11. Posvuda neka ru�e cvateju, kuda stane� ti s nogom, jer uvijek te imam v glavi, kao cvijet v travi.
12. Pi�emo
vam iz uredni�tva revije "Moj pas". Obavje�tavamo vas da ste ispali iz
u�ega izbora. Drugi puta dođite bolje uređeni!
13. Ptica ljubi gnijezdo, medvjed ljubi sladki med, ja pa ljubim tebe vi�e nego sladoled.
14. Ptiček ljubi ptičicu tamo v mirisnom raju, ja pa ljubim tebe, iako u tuđem kraju.
15. Ptice daleko lete, s njima ide moje srce, kada pa sunce za goru zađe, sjeti se draga name.
16. Prodajem krivotvorene novčanice po 1000 �. Zovite na 92.
17. Stručna
istra�ivanja pokazuju: osobe lo�e u krevetu, koje nikada nemaju dobar
seks, pri čitanju sms poruka mobitel dr�e u desnoj ruci.
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