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Nedelja, 17. VII 2005.

U ovom broju donosimo: 1. Ameba (epizode: 31 i 32) Na�a ASCII sapunica 1. Zagrebačka banka D. D. Sastavni deo nekih mailova 2. Biblija Microsoft bookshelf edition

-.- ------------- ameba hoda po �ici o o o . ameba �onglira

3. Sedmi nastavak Harry Pottera (�)

Budući naslovi koje mo�emo očekivati

4. Moje ime

Slovo F

6. 3+4

U čemu je vic?

7. Vlasnici prde�a

Odredite karakter svojih prijatelja, bli�njih i suradnika po načinu na koji prde!

7. Mućke

Najbolji citati iz kultne britanske serije "Only fools and horses"

8. Gluparije poznatih (98-108)

Razni lapsusi poznatih ličnosti.

8. Spajdermen (18/20)

Delovi zanimljivih epizoda.

ZAGREBAČKA BANKA D. D.

Ova elektronička poruka i njeni prilozi mogu sadr�avati pravno povla�tene informacije i/ili povjerljive informacije. Molimo Vas da poruku ne čitate ako niste njen naznačeni primatelj. Ako ste poruku primili gre�kom, molimo Vas da o tome obavijestite po�iljatelja i da izvornu poruku i njene privitke uni�tite bez da ih pročitate ili pohranite na bilo koji način. Svaka neovla�tena uporaba, distribucija, reprodukcija ili priopćavanje ove poruke strogo je zabranjena. "Zagrebačka banka d.d." ne preuzima nikakvu odgovornost s obzirom na bilo koju moguću netočnost bilo kojeg podatka koji je sadr�an u ovoj poruci ako takav podatak nije povezan s registriranim predmetom poslovanja "Zagrebačke banke d.d." Stajali�ta izra�ena u ovoj poruci ne odra�avaju nu�no slu�bena stajali�ta "Zagrebačke banke d.d."

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BIBLIJA

1. U početku stvori Gospod Bit i Bajt. I stvori iz ovih Riječ.

2. I bijahu u riječi dva Bita, i nije postojalo ni�ta vi�e. I Gospod razdvoji Jedinicu od Nule. I vidje Gospod da je ovo dobro.

3. I reče Gospod neka bude Podatak. I tako bi. I reče Gospod: Nek zauzme Podatak odgovarajuće mjesto. I stvori Gospod floppy diskove, hard diskove i compact diskove. I vidje Gospod da je ovo dobro.

4. I reče Gospod neka bude Računalo, gdje mogu floppy, hard i compact diskovi da se stave, i nazove to Hardverom. I vidje Gospod, da je ovo dobro.

5. I tada jo� nije postojao Softver. Ali Gospod napravi Programe, velike i male po svojim vrstama. I reče Gospod: Razmno�ite se i napunite Memoriju.

6. I reče Gospod: Hajde da stvorimo Programera, i nek Programer stvara nove Programe, i nek upravlja Računalima, Programima i Podacima.

7. I stvori Gospod Programera, i smjesti ga u ERC. I Pokaza mu Gospod Direktorije, i reče mu Gospod: "Slobodno koristi svaki Direktorij i Poddirektorij, ali Windows NE SMIJE� koristiti!"

8. I reče Gospod: "Nije dobro �to je Programer s�m". Uspava ga, i izvadi mu jedno rebro, i stvori od toga drugo biće, koje pogleda na Programera, koje voli to �to Programer radi, i nazove Gospod ovo biće Korisnikom.

9. I bili su Programer i Korisnik tamo ispod golog DOS-a, i vidje Gospod, da je to dobro.

10. Ali Bill bije�e pametniji od Gospoda i od svakog drugog bića. I Bill pita�e Korisnika: "Je l' reče Gospod, da ne koristi� ni jedan program?"

11. I Korisnik odgovori�e: "Gospod je rekao da mo�emo koristiti svaki Program, svaki Podatak, ali rekao je, da nikad ne koristimo Windows, jer ćemo umrijeti."

12. I reče Bill Korisniku: "Kako mo�e� pričati o nečemu �to nisi ni probao? U trenutku kad pokreće� Windows, postat će� kao Gospod. Biti će� sposoban proizvesti bilo �to prostim klikom na MI�A!"

13. I Korisnik vidje, da plodovi Windowsa su ljep�i i lak�e ih je koristiti. I vidje Korisnik da je svako znanje suvi�no, jer Windows mo�e sve znanje da zamjeni.

14. I Korisnik instalira Windows na Računalo, i reče Programeru da je ovo dobro. 15. I Programer odmah poče tra�iti nove drajvere. I pita ga Gospod: "�ta tra�i�?" I Programer odgovara: "Tra�im nove drajvere, jer ih ne mogu naći u DOS-u". I reče Gospod: "Ko ti je rekao da su ti potrebni novi drajveri? Je si li pokrenuo Windows?" I Programer odgovori�e: "Bill nam je rekao!" 16. I reče Gospod Billu: "Zbog toga �to si uradio bit će� omra�en od svakog bića. A Korisnik bit će nesrećan zbog tebe. I bit će� primoran da prodaje� Windows od sad pa do vječnosti." 17. I reče Gospod Korisniku: "Zbog toga �to si uradio, razočarat će te Windows, i

potro�it će sve tvoje resurse, i spore programe će� morati koristiti, i u vijeke vjekova bit će� primoran osloniti se na pomoć Programera."

18. I reče Gospod Programeru: "Zbog toga �to si slu�ao Korisnika, nikad neće� biti sretan. Tvoji Programi bit će puni gre�aka, i morat će� ih ispravljati uvijek nanovo u vijeke vjekova."

19. I istjera�e njih Gospod iz ERC-a, zatvori�e vrata i zastiti�e lozinkom.

20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT.

SEDMI NASTAVAK HARRY POTTERA

J. K. Rowling je najzad objavila �esti deo Hari Potera � "Harry Potter and the Half-blooded prince".

I bilo je vreme. Sudeći po tome kojim tempom ih objavljuje, najmlađi fanovi koji su sa njom od početka će imati skoro 20 godina kada objavi sedmi (mo�da poslednji) deo.

Ovo je zbog toga jer je Rowling-ova imala gadan slučaj umetničke blokade kada je pisala "Red Feniksa". Bez ikakvih ideja, nije mogla da napi�e knjigu. Ovog meseca mi imamo neke sjajne ideje za buduće naslove Harry Pottera.

8. Harry Potter and the Terrible Headache - After years of flashing pains in the head, Harry's doctor discovers the pain isn't caused by his scar, but a malignant brain tumour.

9. Harry Potter and the Copyright Lawyer - Harry Potter sues J K Rowling for unauthorised use of this life story.

10. Harry Potter and the Order of Fries - Harry gets a job at McDonalds.

11. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer Get Stoned - Harry discovers marijuana.

12. Harry Potter and the Road Map To Peace - Harry's magic powers encounter something even he can't fix: Palestinian and Jewish stubbornness

13. Harry Potter and the Year Not Much Happened - In a striking turn of events, Voldemort takes a year out from planning world domination, and has a holiday to Majorca, leaving Harry with not much to do.

14. Harry Potter and the Hobbit - Desperate for something to do, Harry reads a fantasy classic aloud to Ron.

15. Harry Potter and the Pregnancy Scare - Harry and Hermione have a close shave.

16. Harry Potter and the Order of Whiskey - Harry realises magic scars aren't the only thing that can make your head hurt.

17. Harry Potter and the Years of Therapy - Harry takes a while to recover after walking in on Dumbledore in a hot, steamy session with Dobby.

18. Harry Potter and Friends On Ice - Towards the end of the franchise, the money making attempts go decidedly down market.

19. Harry Potter and the Dark Secret - Proving that Dumbledore is driven by the same lustful urges as any man, he and Harry share moments of pleasure, and a dark secret. 20. Harry Potter and the Crossover - Harry Potter teams up with the girls from Charmed to defeat Lord Vader. 21. Harry Potter and the Enormous Bill - Harry discovers that his education at Hogwarts wasn't covered by his inheritance after all. Notable excerpts include applying for a bank loan, cleaning windshields at the intersection of Diagon Alley, and making monthly repayments.

You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are a born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are a favourite fantasy past time. You can be a very generous lover.

22. Harry Potter and the Deluge of Spam - Harry goes online and discovers not even magic can stop spammers.

23. Harry Potter and the Plothole - Harry and friends defeat Voldemort, but there is no indication as to why and how.

24. Harry Potter and the Magic Wand - Harry discovers Viagra.

25. Harry Potter and the Spanish Inquisition. - Noooo one expects the Spanish Inquisition, but they turn up anyway, and subject Harry to "Ordeal by Comfy Chair".

26. Harry Potter and the Weapons of Mass Destruction - Harry levels Hogwarts in a pursuit of weapons of mass destruction that he says are definately somewhere.

27. Harry Potter and the Matrix - Harry dodges bullets for 300 pages.

28. Harry Potter and the Enchanted Jockstrap - No amount of magic will get the stains out of Harry's favourite jockstrap. Hermione says she likes them.

29. Harry Potter and the Boob Job - Harry gets into trouble with Hermione for doubling the size of her breasts while she is sleeping. Harry adamantly insists that he should have gone larger.

30. Harry Potter and World Domination - After defeating all his adversaries and solving most of the worlds problems, Harry realises that there is nothing left in his way.

31. Harry Potter and the REAL use of "engorgio" - Harry realises that the growth spell "engorgio" can do so much for his pride and manhood. 32. Harry Potter and The Magic Mushrooms - Harry takes a psychadelic trip to a special land, without leaving the room. 33. Harry Potter and the Sexually Transmitted Disease - Harry has a battle with gonorrhea. 34. Harry Potter and his True Identity - After an encounter with his old friends Michelangelo, Raphael, and Leonardo, Harry realizes that he is the long lost "Piccasso" ninja turtle. 35. Harry Potter and the Closet of Secrets - Harry comes out of the closet about his sexuality

36. Harry Potter Wrestlemania - This is it, folks! Harry finds himself making the ultimate face-off against characters from Lord of the Rings! Harry vs. Frodo, Dumbledore vs. Gandalf, Hermione vs. Galadriel and Ron vs. the cave troll! Root for your favorite team!

37. Harry Potter and The Spelling Bee - Harry studies Entymology and gets a little help from a friend in the garden.

38. Harry Potter, shit that wasn't ment to happen! - Voldemort kills Harry, and takes over the world.

39. Harry Potter and the truth - Dumbledore tells Harry that he and his world is fictional. Harry gets so upset he goes on a kiling rampage to prove Dumbledore wrong.

40. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Rohypnol - Harry wakes up the morning after the Yule Ball with a sore anus and no recollection of the night before.

41. Harry Potter and the Chamber Pot of Secrets - Harry finds a magical toilet and decides that he is tired of being a wizard. In this 300 page thriller, Harry retires to the magical Chamber Pot and reads a lot of interesting magazines.

42. Harry Potter and the Elocution Lessons - The entire ensemble of characters, as well as readers, are finally given the chance to find out how to correctly pronounce Hermione's name.

43. Harry Potter and The Multitasking Environment - Harry enters the magical world of Microsoft Corp. and crashes repeatedly and indefinitely, therefore allowing Voldemort to take over the world with the help of an evil-natured Penguin called Linux.

44. Harry Potter and the Straitjacket of Insanity - Harry falls off a building, gets hit on the head, and wakes up in a strange world where magic isn't real and the walls are padded. Many other people are their, and they all think they are wizards too! Something is amiss.

45. Harry Potter and the Absolute Cliche - Harry gets sick of No. 4, Privet Drive, is rescued by the Weasleys, goes to school, gets in all kinds of mischief, does some other stuff, fights You-Know-Who, escapes (barely) and tells Prof. D all about it. >YAWN< Yet another exciting year.

46. Harry Pothead and the Philosopher's Stoned - Damn! Stupid Copyright laws. Why, I oughtta...

47. Harry Potter Find Poison Oak - In this new 924 page thriller Harry finds poison oak and goes on a 900 page itching spree, in the last few pages Harry discovers that he can make himself stop itching by a fairly simple spell, "itchnomore".

(nastaviće se)

3+4

Bio tip sa tri jajeta. Dođe kod susjeda i ka�e mu:
- Susjed, zna� da ti i ja imamo zajedno pet jaja?

Ka�e mu susjed:

- �ta, ti ima� samo jedno?

I sada verzija sa ICQ-a koju sam pričao frendu koji nije mogao shvatiti vic:

Dominick (2:17 PM): Zna� vic kad je tip u selu imao 3 jajeta? Bole (2:17 PM): Ne Dominick (2:17 PM): I ide od kuće do kuće i ka�e: "Susjed, zna� da nas dvojica imamo zajedno 5 jaja". Kaze on: "�ta, ti ima� samo jedno?" :-) Bole (2:18 PM): Ne kontam Dominick (2:18 PM): To reko drugi susjed. "�ta, ti ima� samo jedno jaje?" Bole (2:18 PM): ??? Dominick (2:18 PM): Mar� Bole (2:18 PM): Zbunjuje� me

Dominick (2:18 PM): Pu�i kurac

Bole (2:18 PM): ?

Dominick (2:18 PM): Jebi se! Usr'o si super vic.

Bole (2:19 PM): Ako je ovaj imao samo jedno kako se onda predstavljao da ima 3.

Dominick (2:19 PM): Prvi je imao 3 jaja, debilu! Čitaj!

Dominick (2:19 PM): I reko je susedu da zajedno imaju 5 jaja, pretpostavljajući da susjed ima 2.

Bole (2:20 PM): A kako to da on onda ima jedno

Dominick (2:20 PM): Odjebi. Glup si jako.

Bole (2:20 PM): �ta je sad? Ne kontam vic.

Dominick (2:20 PM): Zajebava� me?

Bole (2:20 PM): Ne.

Dominick (2:20 PM): Onda si ultra glup. To bi i dijete shvatilo.

Bole (2:20 PM): Pu�i kurac. Ne kontam.

Dominick (2:20 PM): Ajde, da čujem kako si ti to shvatio.

Bole (2:20 PM): I �ta sad?

Dominick (2:20 PM): Imamo 2 tipa. �ta je reko prvi tip koji ima 3 jajeta?

Bole (2:21 PM): Pa prvi je imao tri jajeta a drugi samo jedno i ovaj se prosrao jer je rekao frajeru da imaju 5 jaja, a nije znao da ovaj drugi ima samo jedno

Dominick (2:21 PM): NIJE DRUGI IMAO JEDNO DEBILU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bole (2:22 PM): Nego prvi? Ne kontam

Dominick (2:22 PM): Drugi ima 4 jajeta!!!!!! Gledaj idijote.

Bole (2:22 PM): Kako? 4+3=7! Neko se zajebao.

Dominick (2:22 PM): Prvi ima 3 jajeta. Ka�e susjedu - zna� da TI + JA imamo ZAJEDNO 5 jaja! Ka�e drugi susjed: "�ta, ti ima� samo jedno?!" Jebote!!!!

Bole (2:23 PM): Ne kontam. Drugi nije znao da ovaj prvi ima 3 jajeta

Dominick (2:23 PM): Drugi ima 4 jajeta i misli da prvi susjed (koji ima 3 jajeta) ima samo jedno jer je 1+4=5. Tako je nije znao.

Dominick (2:23 PM): Koji si ti debil� Morat ću ti crtat majke mi. Ma zajebava� me.

Bole (2:23 PM): Ali za�to je onda rekao da ovaj prvi ima samo jedno

Dominick (2:23 PM): Niko nije toliko glup!!!!!!!!!!!

Bole (2:24 PM): A znao je da u najboljem slučaju ima barem 2

Dominick (2:24 PM): Jaoooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

VLASNICI PRDE�A

Odredite karakter svojih prijatelja, bli�njih i suradnika po načinu na koji prde!

1. PRISTOJAN - prdne i ka�e "Pardon!". 2. CINIK - prdne i gleda te u oči. 3. KAVALIR - pusti damu da prva prdne. 4. GURMAN - prdne iz vlastitog zadovoljstva. 5. OSJEĆAJAN - prdne i ka�e "Oh!". 6. IDEALIST - prdne iz uvjerenja. 7. VESELjAK - prdne i ka�e "Tko prdi, zlo ne misli". 8. SENTIMENTALAN - prdne i misli kako bi bilo lijepo da nije prdnuo. 9. �EPRTLjA - prducka neuspe�no po cijeli dan. 10. NAIVAC - prdne i misli da čini veliko djelo. 11. DOBRO ODGOJEN - prije nego �to prdne, moli za dozvolu. 12. GOROPADAN - prdne da se prozori tresu. 13. REALISTA - smatra prdenje normalnom pojavom. 14. NESTRPLjIV - jedva čeka da prdne.

MUĆKE Mother Nature's Son (1992) Del and Trigger are trying to get into the council tip. Del: It's closed! Trigger: (Checks watch) Well, it's a bit late, innit?. Del: What d'you mean "a bit late?" You said it was open 24 hours a day. Trigger: Yeah, but not at night!

15. EGOISTA - prdi samo za sebe.

16. PESIMISTA - jo� nije ni prdnuo, a već misli da se usrao.

17. DVOLIČAN - prdne i pita tko je prdnuo.

18. DISKRETAN - prdne i ka�e "Neka ostane među nama".

19. KOLEGIJALAN - daje priliku da i drugi prdnu.

20. NEOPREZAN - prdne i usere se u gaće.

21. SNOB - prdi samo u dobrom dru�tvu.

22. GLUMICA - prdne i čeka aplauz.

23. SPORTA� - ako neko prdne jednom, on će dva puta, da obori rekord.

GLUPARIJE POZNATIH (98-108)

1. Sadr�i li album neke pjesme koje vam se sviđaju, a nisu na albumu?

Harry News, glazbeni kritičar

2. Nisam znao da je "Naprijed, kr�ćanski vojnici" kr�ćanska pjesma.

Aggie Pate, Fort Worth, Texas

3. Groblje na kojem su pokopani slavni ruski umjetnici mo�ete posjećivati svakim danom osim četvrtka.

natpis u moskovskom hotelu

4. To je iznad mog shvaćanja.

Danny Ozark, menad�er bejzbol ekipe o njihovom porazu

5. Molimo �ene da ne rađaju u kafiću.

natpis u predvorju norve�kog koktel-bara

6. Sve �to morate napraviti je zaroniti na dno bazena i zadr�ati dah.

David Miller, o za�titi od nuklearne radijacije

7. Ne zna glumiti. Ne zna pjevati. Ćelav i pomalo ple�e.

iz arhive MGM-a o tad nepoznatom Fred Astaireu

8. Ako je postojao jasniji dokaz od toga da dvoje ljudi zajedno sviraju na koncertu, onda je to ovaj slučaj.

Sir R. Megarry

9. Ljudi ka�u da sam ekstravagantna jer �elim biti okru�ena ljepotom. Ali recite, tko �eli biti okru�en smećem?

Imelda Marcos, nekad prva dama Filipina, vlasnica 3000 pari cipela

10. Ljudi se ne tu�iraju, ne govore engleski, nema terena za golf niti posluge u sobu. Kome to treba?

Jim McMahon, igrač nogometa o Europi

11. Mattiejev restoran i Jogurt palača, alternativa za dobru hranu!

posjetnica restorana u Texasu

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