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Nedelja, 9. X 2005.

U ovom broju donosimo: 1. Ameba (epizode: 55 i 56) Naša ASCII sapunica 2. V pričakovanju dneva žena Pismo ženi 3. Iraq Kako objasniti deci rat u Iraku 4. Moje ime Karakter ljudi kojima ime počinje na "R"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~.~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ameba koja pliva ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~`~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ameba u sinhronizovanom plivanju

7. Mućke

Najbolji citati iz kultne britanske serije "Only fools and horses"

7. Demokratija

Kako su Srbi postali demokrate

7. Test za pandure

Pitanja za školsku 2005/6 godinu

8. Gluparije poznatih (244-268)

Razni lapsusi poznatih ličnosti.

V PRIČAKOVANjU DNEVA ŽENA

Draga žena!

Ker vedno, ko spregovorim o teh stvareh, močno zardevaš, sem se odločil, da ti te stvari razložim pismeno. V celem letu sem poskušal 365-krat, uspelo mi je 36-krat, kar je v povprečju enkrat v desetih dneh.

To pa zato, ker:

- "lahko se zbudijo otroci" 17 krat

- "prevroce je" 15 krat

- "premrzlo je" 5 krat

- si že spala ali pa si bila preutrujena 73 krat

- je bilo "tehnično" nemogoče 93 krat

- bilo je prezgodaj 5 krat

- bilo je prepozno 10 krat

- okno je bilo doprto, lahko bi naju slišali 9 krat

- bolela te je glava 9 krat

- bolel te je hrbet 25 krat

- bila si vsa uničena 5 krat

- preveč si jedla 10 krat

- ni se ti dalo 21 krat

- otroci su začeli jokati 7 krat

- bil je zanimiv program na TV 2 krat

- ni bil pravi dan 18 krat

329 krat

Kljub temu, 36-krat, ko mi je uspelo, ni šlo brez težav:

- 21 krat si me prosila, naj končam hitro

- 2 krat si me dokoncentrirala z opazko, da je treba prebeliti strop

- 1 krat je bil komar, ki ti ni dal miru

- 1 krat sem končal hitro zaradi strahu, da ti ni odveč

- 11 krat sem te moral zbuditi, da ti povem, da sem končal

To je vse, kar sem ti hotel povedati

Tvoj mož

IRAQ

Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?

A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction honey.

Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.

A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.

Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?

A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.

Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass destruction, did we?

A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right before the 2004 election.

Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction? A: To use them in a war, silly. Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them? A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those weapons so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves. Q: That doesn't make sense Daddy. Why would they choose to die if they had all those big weapons to fight us back with? A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense. Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those weapons our government said they did. A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway. Q: And what was that? A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country. Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?

A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.

Q: Kind of like what they do in China?

A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.

Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?

A: Right.

Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?

A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.

Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China? A: I told you, China is different. Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq? A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is Communist. Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad? A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad. Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad? A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured. Q: Like in Iraq? A: Exactly. Q: And like in China, too? A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not. Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?

You are a no-nonsense, action- oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal-the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is not very important to you. You have to be proved to be worthy for a partner. You have a need to prove yourself the best. You want feedback on your performance. You are open, stimulating & romantic.

A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being capitalists like us.

Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists?

A: Don't be a smart-ass.

Q: I didn't think I was being one.

A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.

Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?

A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a legitimate leader anyway.

Q: What's a military coup?

A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.

Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?

A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.

Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?

A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.

Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate leader?

A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan.

Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?

A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.

Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?

A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men, fifteen of them Saudi Arabians, hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings, killing over 3.000 Americans.

Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that? A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban. Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people's heads and hands? A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too. Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in May of 2001? A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job fighting drugs. Q: Fighting drugs?

A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.

Q: How did they do such a good job?

A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off.

Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people's heads and hands off for other reasons?

A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands for stealing bread.

Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?

A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.

Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?

A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.

Q: What's the difference?

A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except or her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers.

Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.

A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.

Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia.

A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.

Q: Who trained them?

A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.

Q: Was he from Afghanistan?

A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.

Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.

A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.

Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?

A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now. Q: So the Soviets? I mean, the Russians? Are now our friends? A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either. A: So the French and Germans are evil, too? A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast. Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what we want them to do? A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade. Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s? A: Well, yeah. For a while. Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then? A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily.

Q: Why did that make him our friend?

A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.

Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?

A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.

Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?

A: Most of the time, yes.

Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?

A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better.

Q: Why? A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America. Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes war is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq? Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right? A: Yes. Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq? A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do. Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head?

MUĆKE The Class of '62 (1991) In the Trotter flat Raquel discovers Roy Slater on the sofa and a row begins. Slater refers to Raquel by her real name which is overheard by Uncle Albert. Albert: Who's Rachel?

A. Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.

Q: Good night, Daddy.

DEMOKRATIJA

            Pošto je Bog stvorio čoveka odluči da svakoj naciji da po dve osobine kako bi čovečanstvo dalje  napredovalo, i tako učini:

Švajcarcima je dao urednost i poštovanje zakona

Englezima je dao odlučnost i studioznost

Japancima je dao vrednoću i strpljenje

Francuzima kulturu i rafiniranost

Špancima veselje i gostoprimstvo

Kad je stigao do Srba, obrati se anđelu, koji je pisao beleške i reče mu:

"Srbima dajem da budu časni, inteligentni i demokrate!"

Anđeo reče: "Ali, Bože, pa Srbima ste dali 3 osobine".

Bog reče: "Vidi stvarno… ali nijedna nacija ne može da ima više od 2 vrline!

Dakle neka bude ovako:

Oni koji su inteligentni i demokrate, ne mogu biti časni,

Oni koji su časni i demokrate, ne mogu biti inteligentni

Oni koji su časni i inteligentni ne mogu biti demokrate"

Pošalji odmah ovaj mail dalje, kako se ne bi desilo da neko odlazeći da glasa ne izgubi ČAST ili INTELIGENCIJU. Ako ne pošalješ ovaj mail dalje u roku od 5 minuta, fotografija Borisa Tadića će ti se zauvek instalirati kao desktop na kompjuteru i nikad nećeš moći da je obrišeš!!!

TEST ZA PANDURE

            Kandidati moraju znati čitati ili pisati - oboje nije potrebno. Pomoćna sredstva nisu dozvoljena. Svaki koji prepiše dobija dodatnih pet bodova zbog izuzetne inicijative. Puno sreće pri rješavanju testa!

Pitanja:

1. Tko je pobijedio u II svjetskom ratu, a tko je bio drugi?

2. Od čega je napravljen srebrni dolar?

3. Objasni Ajnštajnovu "teoriju relativiteta" ili napisati njegovo ime.

4. Velikim slovima napisati: pas, mačka, krumpir.

5. Kada počinju vijesti u 19:30?

6. Koliko je otprilike bilo Božjih zapovijedi? 7. Postojalo je 6 kraljeva sa imenom Georg, zadnji se zvao Georg VI. Kako se zvalo ostalih pet? 8. Napisati brojeve 1-10 unazad. Za svaki pogrešno napisani broj odbija se jedan bod. 9. Tko je izumio OTO motor? 10. Koji instrument je svirao Mujo harmonikaš? 11. Razumiješ li Njutnov zakon gravitacije? Odgovoriti sa DA ili NE! 12. Berlin je glavni grad koje države? (ne više od jednog odgovora) 13. Zaokruži neodgovarajuću osobu u nizu: a) Martin Luter King b) Papa c) Mahatma Gandhi d) Džek Trbosjek

14. Vasko De Gama poduzeo je tri morska putovanja. Na jednom od njih je umro. Na kojem po redu putovanju?

15. Kolumbovo jaje je:

a) Jaje jedne vrste ptice

b) Specijalno kuhano jaje za doručak

c) Dio tijela slavnog moreplovca

KRAJ TESTA

GLUPARIJE POZNATIH (244-268)

1. Bilo je prilično dobro. Čak je i muzika bila zgodna.

Yogi Berra, igrač bejzbola, nakon posjete operi

2. Zabranjeno je vezati krokodila za hidrant.

zakon u Alabami

3. Njegove bivše žene jednostavno ga nisu razumjele.

Jan Chamberlain, osma žena Mickey Rooneyja

4. Vrhovni je sud odlučio da ubojice ne mogu biti pogubljeni na električnoj stolici dvaput za isti zločin!

naslov u dnevnim novinama u Clevelandu

5. Gospodin Milošević bi morao biti oprezan. Kalendar otkucava.

Richard Haas, savjetnik NBC vijesti

6. Nikada nisam imao veliku operaciju koljena nigdje na tijelu.

Winston Bennett, košarkaš Sveučilišta u Kentuckyju

7. Jedini razlog zašto je 7-0, je što smo pobijedili svih sedam utakmica.

David Garcia

8. Mislim da republikanci ne mogu uništiti moj karakter.

Bill Clinton

9. Zabranjeno je opijati ribe.

Zakon u Ohiou

10. Ja sam izmislio Internet.

Al Gore

11. Nije nužno da diskriminiramo. Jednostavno isključimo neke ljude.

Gerald Wellman

12. Većina laži o plavušama su neistinite.

Naslov u "Cincinnati Times-Star"

13. Za većinu ljudi smrt dolazi na kraju njihova života.

spiker na GLR-u

14. Ponoćno kuglanje u 21h.

Natpis na kuglani u Lakewoodu

15. Ne bih živjela zauvijek, jer nije predviđeno da živimo zauvijek, jer ako bi živjeli zauvijek, živjeli bi zauvijek, ali ne možemo živjeti zauvijek, a zato ne bih željela živjeti zauvijek.

Miss Alabame

16. Razgovarali smo 5 puta. on je mene nazvao dva puta i ja njega dva puta.

Larry Bowa

17. Voljeli bi izbjeći probleme, jer kada imamo probleme, imamo nevolje.

Wesley Bolin

18. Pisanje fikcije je izvrsno. Možete izmislite gotovo sve.

Ivana Trump

19. Vodeći auto je potpuno unikatan, osim ovog iza njega koji je potpuno isti.

Murray Walker

20. Hoteli su prepuni ljudi, a tu su još i novinari.

Bangkok post

21. Odnosi se prema nama kao prema ljudima. Čak nad dopušta da nosimo naušnice.

Torrin Polk

22. Morcelli ima četiri najbrža vremena na 1500 metara. A sva su na 1500 metara.

David Coleman

23. Samo su dvije stvari beskonačne. Svemir i ljudska glupost. A i za ovo prvo nisam siguran.

Albert Einstein

24. Ako bih imao izbor držati lijepu ženu u naručju ili ubiti lošeg tipa na konju, odlučio bih se za konja. Puno je zabavnije.

Kevin Costner

25. Voljela bi da i muškarci imaju sise budući da ih volim dirati. Smiješno je da kada pjevam držim ruku preko njih, možda je stvar komfora.

Emma Bunton

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