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Nedelja, 3. VI 2007.
U
ovom broju donosimo:
Tehnička podr�ka za vampire (a i ostale)
Za�to je
novogodi�nja jelka bolja od mu�karca |
UNDEAD
TECHNICAL SUPPORT
|
TS:
Hello, Undead Technical Support. May
I please have your name and the date of your death? C: Ummmm, yes. I am Vlad the Impaler and I am a Great and mighty vampire!!! TS:
Can I please have your date of
death, sir? We have currently around 120 Vlad the Impalers on file,
it's a
fairly common name among the undead. C:
Ummm, yeah... uhhh, well you see,
I haven't actually died yet. I was just sort of, you know, looking to
see if
someone would, you know, bite me, or if there is some sort of trial? TS:
Yes, sir. Unfortunately, we can not
provide that service. I would however point |  |
you towards your nearest
foreboding
castle or dark alley to find a blood sucking fiend of your choice.
C:
Oh, why thank you! (Click)
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TS:
Hello, Undead Technical Support. May
I please have your name and the date of your death?
C:
Ummmm, Herman Carpinski, July 12,
1876.
TS:
So what can I help you with?
C:
I need to know how I deal with
this whole rotting problem.
TS:
Rotting?
C:
Yes, pieces of me keep like
falling off, and there's this horrible smell.
TS:
Oh. Sir, were you killed by having
an undead bite your neck and suck your blood?
C:
No, some guy danced around my grave
a lot and then blew dust into my face.
TS:
Oh, I see. Sir, you are not a
vampire as it were. You are what is known as a zombie, and while I
can't really
support that, I can tell you that the rotting smell is fairly normal.
Please
hold and I'll give you the zombie support line.
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TS:
Hello, Undead Technical Support. May
I please have your name and the date of your death?
C:
I am very upset!!!
TS:
I understand, sir, becoming one of
the walking undead blood-sucking fiends is a big step
C:
No, that is not what I am talking
about you (bleepity bleep bleep)!
TS:
Sir, if you will please calm down,
perhaps I can help you?
C:
I want to speak to whoever is in
charge!!!
TS:
I can alert a manager, sir, but they
will have to call you back in a few hours. Are you sure there is
nothing I can
help you with?
C:
Yeah, what the hell is with this
damn sun thing??
 | TS: Excuse me sir? A vulnerability to the sun is fairly standard to all vampire types, so that behavior is by design. C:
It is not! It says right here in
this pamphlet I downloaded from the Internet that if I ingest the blood
of 12
virgins on 12 consecutive nights and gouge out my own eyeballs I'll be
immune.
Which I have done mind you and I am still vulnerable to the sun, so
what gives? TS:
Well, sir, that is a
different... ah... application of your powers. You probably want to talk
to the
people who wrote it, or if it is something specific to your particular
type of
vampire, you may wish to speak to the person who brought you across. |
C:
What a load of crap! You people
suck, and not in a good way! (click)
TS:
You know I honestly hate calls like
that. I mean what is with these people? Is it my fault they don't read
the fine
print? I mean, OK immortality is cool and the nifty vampire powers are
great,
but they all call me when they can't handle it and expect me to deal
with this
crap, I mean...one sec got a call.
●
TS:
Undead Techni�
C:
You gotta help me! There is some
guy with a crossbow outside, and he is screaming things like: "Die foul
fiend!!!"
TS:
Okay sir, please calm down.
C:
Calm down! How the heck do I calm
down? He is battering down the door! And he sounds pissed!!!
TS:
Okay sir, are you vulnerable to holy
symbols?
C:
Umm, actually no. I am a farquath
vampire, we don't do the holy symbols thing.
TS:
Ah, good! I also see your kind of
vampire has increased strength and speed and can take a lot of
punishment. Ok,
is he through the door yet? Are there more than one of them?
C:
There are 3 of them! And they have
crosses and one of them has a crossbow.
TS:
Well, okay. Do you have a phone
book?
C:
Yes, what the hell good is a phone
book going to do me?
TS:
Sir, I need you to remain calm if
you want me to help you, okay?
C:
All right, now what? They're
almost through the door!
TS:
Tuck the phone book inside your
jacket over your heart. When they come through the door, let them shoot
you
with the crossbow, and then hit the one as hard as you can.
C:
Okay, I'll try. I'm not very
violence literate though.
TS:
That's okay, just follow my instructions
and I'll talk you through it.
C:
(sounds of crashing and muted
thunk and a scream) Okay, there are two left, now what?
TS:
Okay, throw the one you hit at the
second one as hard as you can, and then grab the third by the throat
and lift
him off the ground.
C:
(loud crashing and some moaning
followed by some choking gurgling noises.) Okay, I have the head guy
dangling -
now what?
TS:
Okay, now look into his eyes and
laugh maniacally.
C:
Heh, heh, heh.
TS:
You might want to try a more
maniacal laugh. Kind of like
this � "MUHAHAHAHAHA"!!
C:
Wow, you scared me. Okay, I'll
try. Muhahahaha. How
was that?
TS:
Close enough. Now repeat after me,
"You pitiful human
insect, die like the cattle you are!!!"
and then please squeeze as hard as you can.
C:
(repeats statement and a cracking
is heard from the phone) Nothing is happening.
TS:
Sir, I mean squeeze with the hand
you are holding him with.
know tons about the undead vampire types, and I heard we are going to start supporting werewolves and magic users next. Hey, if they want to train me, I'm not going to complain. I mean, after all�
●
TS:
Undead Technical Support. Can I have
your name and the time of your death?
C:
Hey, is this where I call about
problems with being a vampire?
TS:
Yes, it is.
C:
Ok. Do I have to drink blood?
That's kind of gross - can't it just be Kool Aid or something?
TS:
No, I'm sorry, but blood is
definitely a requirement.
C:
Oh, well, OK.
TS:
Anything else I can help you with?
C:
Hey, yeah. Can I catch AIDS and
things from bad blood?
TS:
(hits mute button)
C:
Oh. How do I get the blood?
TS:
Generally you bite people.
C:
Oh, OK. Well, bye. (click)
 | TS:
(sigh) Geez, dude, read a book. There are
times when this job gets on my nerves. But anyway where was I? Oh yeah.
I get
to start training today for supporting werewolves and magic users. And
vampire
hunters. You'd think that would be a conflict of interest... oh well. ● (2 weeks of training later) Instructor: �just to re-emphasize a few things - we do not support major summoning or world destroying rituals. And if the customer is a werewolf and has just shifted and can no longer communicate you will need to direct them to the growling and grunting specialist. Any questions? |
TS:
What exactly constitutes a major
summoning? I mean what is our policy if they attempted a summoning and
mispronounced the name and got a major demon lord instead of the minor
imp they
were trying for?
I:
Well, assuming they are still
alive, you would probably want to send it to Escalation. Any other
questions?
(Later
that month)
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TS:
Shape Shifter Technical Support. May
I have your name and the type of shifter you are?
C:
This is Derek Thorfin and I am
having this problem... (scratching noises) I can't get this damn hair
to go
away after I shift. There's this one patch that just won't not go away.
TS:
Well, sir, is it a rectangular patch
on your chest and abdominal area?
C:
Yes, actually it is.
TS:
Well, sir, that will not go away.
That patch of hair is the mark of the animal demon that currently
possesses
you. If you were a shifter by birth rather than by position, it
wouldn't be
there.
C:
So when will there be a solution
to this problem?
TS:
Sir, that particular behavior, as I
have said, is a side effect of being a shifter by position.
C:
Whatever, when are you going to
fix it? Cause I don't like this hair, it itches.
TS:
Sir, as I said this is something
that cannot be fixed, unless you want to go through a cleansing ritual
and give
up being a shape shifter.
C:
No, you don't understand! I want
this hair gone and you need to tell me how to get rid of it! Have you
got that,
fella? Cause if not, I'll have to come down there and rend you limb
from limb.
I am a werewolf, got that, geek boy? Now you go on and tell me that
secret way
you have of getting rid of this here hair.
TS:
Sir, I must tell you that if you
continue to be threatening, I will have to terminate this call and
refer your
case to our security department. That being said, we do not have a
secret way
to remove your hair.
C:
All right, that's it! You're lying to
me! Either tell me or I come down there and rend all you
blankety blanks
into small quivering chunks of flesh!!! You
got that geek boy? What do you say to that, huh?? What are you going to
do,
huh?? (click) (A
few days later) (Loud
growling followed by a loud pop followed by distraught howling) TS:
Hmmmm, I wonder if I should have
told him about the silver trap we have for werewolves... oh well, back
to work. |  |
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TS:
Mystical Technical Support. May I
please have your name and the name of your group, or your contract
number if
you are an independent.
C:
My name is Mike Evenstar and I am
a member of the Most Glorious Order of Hiparcthurs and Tolemay.
TS:
Okay, sir, what can I help you with?
C:
Well it's a small thing really, I
was just wondering what would happen if, ah, well, when summoning a 9th
level
elemental spirit I had gotten two of the glyphs wrong?
TS:
Which Glyphs, sir? (Sound of head
pounding on table is heard)
C:
Well, that is, I sort of changed
the 9 into a 90 and the elemental to demonic.
TS:
I see. Sir, can you hang on a
second?
C:
Sure, no problem. But please hurry
- the glowing purple thing is getting worse, and the walls have started
bleeding.
TS:
I'll just be a moment, sir. (hold
music) AHHHH why do I get these calls? (off hold) Okay, sir. I want you
to
listen to me carefully. Once I'm done talking, I want you to follow
these
steps. First open the door to the room you are in, step through it, and
run as
fast as you can. Then call 555-DUMB. This is the number for a service
that
takes care of these kinds of situations.
C:
Okay, so I open the... (sound of a
wet crunching sound, a scream, and then silence)
TS:
(sigh) I lose more idiots that way.
Oh well, at least I got promoted to major conjurations, summoning and
escalation support last week. It means more money, although now I end
up with
even bigger problems to deal with. But they're giving me more training
I guess.
●
 | TS:
Escalations, go for it TS:
Sure, go ahead and transfer him.
(pause) Hi there, I hear you are having some problems. C:
Yes, I don't understand it. I have
all the materials and everything appears to be fine. I have the gateway
open
but I am getting no response to the truename. |
TS:
A sacrifice was mentioned - could
you tell me what kind?
C:
Yes, a virgin human female
sacrifice was needed, and she is waiting right here all bound and
prepared for
the demon to come through and rip her to pieces. I mean, we even have
the
proper amount of screaming.
TS:
(knowing chuckle) Did you say virgin
sacrifice? And how old is she?
C:
She is 17. I had her checked out
beforehand and she is a certified virgin.
TS:
Of course. By any chance do you have
a young male assistant? A teenager, perhaps?
C:
Well, yes I. . . Dammit all to
hell, Jedrick, come over
here! I'm gonna peel the skin off your back and feed you to --truename
of major
demon omitted--
TS:
Sir, you may not realize this, but
saying names like that in front of open gateways can be a bad idea.
C:
What, you mean --truename of major
demon omitted--? Why would that be bad?
TS:
Sir, I would once again advise you
against saying that name in front of a gateway.
C:
Oh, come on, no one actually
expects --truename of major demon omitted-- to answer, I mean he (sound
of a
thunder clap)
TS:
(sigh) If this keeps happening I
might get written up.
●
TS:
Escalations, go ahead.
OT:
I've
got an irate, would you please
take her?
TS:
(sigh) Go for it.
C:
Now you listen here! I am a power
conjurer, and I know it is nothing I
did! The problem is with your shoddy materials!! I know big people in
high places
and I'm going to have you all turned into toads!!!
TS:
Ma'am, if you will calm down and
read me your conjuring formula, maybe I can help you.
C:
Oh, very well! (long
incomprehensible formula follows)
TS:
Ma'am, I think I've found your
problem -- it is on the 3rd, 8th, and 21st lines.
C: Oh, really and what is that mr. Smarty Pants? TS:
Ma'am, 2 + 2 is equal to 4, not 8. C:
Why you worthl- ummmmm... wait a
minute... (click) TS:
Thank you for calling magic support, and
have a nice day. STEPENI PIJANSTVA
I stepen pijanstva Izlazi� iz kafane ko sav normalan svet, a neko ti stane na rukuII stepen pijanstva Dolazi� kući sa ribom, �ena ti otvara vrata, a ti joj namigne� i ka�e�: "Pravi se da si mi sestra!"
Morate da se dr�ite za travu da ne biste pali sa Zemlje V stepen pijanstva Taj prokleti ru�ičasti slon vas je opet pratio do kuće! VI stepen pijanstva Hodate po obrascu: levo - desno - spotakni se - padni. |  |
VII stepen pijanstva
Ka�ete ljudima "Nisam ja pijan nego
si ti
trezan"
VIII stepen pijanstva
Svaka �ena koju vidite ima
bliznakinju pored sebe.
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