● Whatever it is, I'm against it!

● I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

● No, my friends. No, money will never make you happy, and happy will never make you money. That might be a wisecrack, but I doubt it.

● Be free my friends. One for all and all for me, and me for you, and three for five, and six for a quarter.

● I bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.

● A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

● A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

● Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

● Before I speak, I have something important to say.

● Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

● From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

● I cannot say that I do not disagree with you.

● I drink to make other people interesting.

● Now, there's a man with an open mind. You can feel the breeze from here.

● Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

● If I held you any closer I'd be in back of you.

● We'll put free sheets on all the beds, there'll be no cover charge.

● Hello, it's "Cocoanut arms" (hotel). Yes, we have a dining room. If it's fish, we have it. If it's meat, we have it. If it's fowl, we've had it too long.

● As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce — and so will my wife.

● I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

● Ice water? Eat an onion that'll make your eyes water!

● Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

● I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.

● Baravelli, you've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

● Eventually I smoked Havanas. A cigar makers' organization once said that I was the most famous cigar smoker in the world. I don't know if that's true, but once while visiting Havana, I went to a cigar factory. There were four hundred people there rolling cigars, and when they saw me, they all stood up and applauded.

● Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood.

● I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.

● I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

● I have nothing but respect for you, and not much of that.

● I intend to live forever, or die trying.

● I made a killing on Wall Steet a few years ago… I shot my broker.

● I remember the first time I had sex — I kept the receipt.

● I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

● I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

● I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

● I'm not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

● I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

● If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much… just an occasional sun visor.

● It looks as if Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.

● It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

● It's nice to have met you, and I've got nobody to blame but myself.

● Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

● Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

● My mother loved children. She would have given anything if I had been one.

● My mother treated us all equally… with contempt.

● My son is half-Jewish. Can he wade in up to his knees? (when told that a swimming pool was off-limits to Jews)

● No-one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

● Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah? He used to live in whales for a while.

● Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men. The other 999 follow women.

● Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

● Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

● Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

● Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

● Room service? Send up a larger room.

● Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

● The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made.

● There is only one way to find out if a man is honest, ask him. If he says "yes", you know he is crooked.

● There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit… retire!

● Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

● Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

● When I heard about "Hair", I was kind of curious about the six naked primates on stage. So I called up the box office and they said tickets were $11 a piece. That's an awful price to pay. I went into the bathroom at home and took off all my clothes and looked in the mirror for five minutes. And I said, "This isn't worth $11."

● You are a widdow? Did your husband left you some money? Answer the second question first.

● Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, that's why I'm sitting here with you - because you remind me of you!

● Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

JARAC: - Svi imamo neke obaveze, ali umesto što stvaramo paniku, hajde da uradimo ono što treba!

BLIZANCI: - Naravno. Ne reaguje. Opa, biće veselo!

RIBE: - Vidi ti njega! Njemu je čak i zabavno!

STRELAC: - Što da ne? Nećemo valjda da kukamo?
LAV: - Slušajte me dobro! Kao prvo, da li neko od vas ima neki alat?

VODOLIJA: - Taj sam, ali još ne mogu da vidim šta je najbolje uraditi.

BIK: - Ne bih da se šalim sa tim.

To je lift, a mi smo sto metara iznad zemlje.

OVAN: - Ma nemojte! Mislite da ću celu noć sedeti ovde? Ako neće milom, onda će silom (počinje da šutira vrata).

VAGA: - Komšija, smirite se! To ne smete da radite, to je opasno!

ŠKORPIJA: - Ma pustite ga! Vidite da mu fali neka daska u glavi.

OVAN: - Slušaj ti, bitango jedna! Ako želiš da razgovaraš sa mnom, treba da se ponašaš kao prema pametnijem od sebe.

VAGA: - Komšija, šta vi mislite o ovome?

BIK: - Mene pitate?

VAGA: - Da. Vidim da stojite mrtvi hladni.

BIK: - Mene ništa ne pitajte. Sada je vreme ručku (vadi sendvič). Kad se najedem, onda ću da razmiljam o liftu.

LAV: - Nemoguće! Baš sada ste gladni?

BIK: - Kada sam gladan, ja sam nervozan, a onda i ne razmišljam o teškim stvarima.
BLIZANCI: - Što se brinete? Imam karte za igranje, pa možemo da odigramo partiju. Da delim?

RAK: - Vi niste normalni!

JARAC: - Komšija, pošto ste sredili sendvič, a rekoste da imate rešenje, da čujem.

BIK: - Rešenje je jednostavno, čekaćemo dok ne stigne struja. (Lift počinje da se trese.)