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EN244 - Nedelja, 9. XI 2008.
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Ovu istoriju sveta je priredio Ričard Lederer od stvarnih odgovora učenika i studenta, a koje su
sakupljali nastavnici i profesori.
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The inhabitants of
Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by
Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The
Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The
Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. |
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Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew
king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of
people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives
and 500 porcupines.
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Without the Greeks, we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian,
Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says
that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became
intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also
wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that
Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by
another man of that name.
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Socrates was a famous
Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates
died from an overdose of wedlock.
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In the Olympic Games,
Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward
to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic
because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in
Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what
their
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neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were
outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons
conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in
one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their
hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the
fiddle to them. |
Then came the Middle
Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery,
King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was
cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew
boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should
be hanged twice for the same offense.
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In midevil times most of
the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who
wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of
William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's
head.
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The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt
the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at
Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being
excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female
nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great
inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is
a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention
was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a
100-foot clipper.
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The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry
VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen
Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When
Elizabeth exposed herself be fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah."
Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
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The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his
plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies
and errors. In on of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his
situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth
tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and
Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear
was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author
was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and
he wrote "Paradise Regained."
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During the Renaissance
America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered
America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the
Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was
called the 6cPilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were
greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before
them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian
heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them.
The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many
babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. |
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One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the
English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels
through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was
throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks
crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
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Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston
carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He
invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse
divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still
dead.
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● George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time
became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States
was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people
enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said: "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. ● |
Meanwhile in Europe, the
enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also
wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It
is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.
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Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was
Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very
large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he
was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest
even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later
died for this.
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France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution
was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the
French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars,
the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish
gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon
became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted
an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't
bear him any children.
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Sanjam, spavam, šta god radim
u mislima mojim - tu si,
ti mi srce ludo razbi
žešće no Gruziju Rusi.
Razvešću se ja zbog tebe
ko onaj Nikola Sarkozi.
Ko kera ti biti veran
kad joj kažeš "aport - k' nozi".
A kada te ukradem
ima da nakrivim fesić,
pa nek crknu od muke,
i Koštunica i Stipe Mesić.
Neka me sutra u'apse,
ma nek mi sledi kavez.
Prolupao sam ja zbog tebe
grđe nego Hugo Čavez.
Cmoki te tvoj
velocihranitelj!
Pesma "Hugo Čavez" preuzeta iz zbirke
"Zna tuđu muku".
(autor pesme:
Velociraptor; za članicu: Idealno_loša; link)
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Djelatnici
na šalteru "Zagrebačkog Aerodroma" bi trebalo odati
prizanje na duhovitom i inteligentnom odgovoru putniku
koji je avionom trebao letjeti, u najboljem slučaju, u prostoru za
prtljagu. Evo što se je dogodilo: Zbog bure, let na relaciji Zagreb - Dubrovnik je otkazan. Vodič jedne turističke agencije je na šalteru radio re-booking za svoju poveću grupu nestrpljivih putnika, kada se jedan ljutiti gospodin progurao do šaltera. Bacio je svoju kartu na pult i uzviknuo: - Ja moram biti na ovom letu i to u prvoj klasi! Djelatnica na šalteru je odgovorila: - Gospodine, žao mi je, prvo moram napraviti rezervacije za grupu ljudi koja čeka. Ako budete strpljivi sigurna sam da ćemo vam na neki način moći |
izaći u susret. Ljutiti gospodin nije bio nimalo impresioniran i upitao je:
- Znate li vi uopće tko sam ja!?
Bez okljevanja,
djelatnica na šalteru je uzela mikrofon i rekla:
- Molim cjenjene posjetitelje "Zagrebačkog Aerodroma" za trenutak pažnje. Na terminalu za domaće letove imamo putnika koji ne zna tko je. Ukoliko bilo tko može pomoći u otkrivanju njegovog identiteta, molimo hitno da se javi na šalter broj 2.
Usred histeričnog smjeha putnika koji su čekali u redu, nestrpljivi gospodin je bjesnim glasom dobacio djelatnici terminala:
- Jebo te ja!
Na to je ona ljubazno odgovorila:
- Žao mi je gospodine, ali i za to ćete trebati pričekati u redu.
Priču o profesoru Panti ispričao mi
je otac, davno. I ja se još dobro sećam tog profesora latinskog jezika koji je
imao običaj da govori u stihovima:
Uči
reči da ti glava zveči!
Ko
ne uči reči – ima da se beči.
Ali đaci kao đaci, dogovore se kako
da zbune profesora, koji je inače bio divan čovek i koga su svi voleli.
Prozove tako Panta baš mog oca da
odgovara, a on kao iz topa:
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Profesore,
molim vas
nisam
spreman za vaš čas
jer
sam juče ceo dan
bio
nešto bolestan Đaci u smeh, a Panta se namršti kao
oblak pred kišu i grmnu sa katedre: Stih ti, brajko, nije loš al' će biti tri za groš. Neka ceo razred zna, tebi Panta daje dva. A ti sada lepo sedi Pošto se pobedonosno osmehnuo,
profesor je nastavio čas kao da ništa nije bilo. I više nikad mali obešenjaci
nisu klepali stihove. Ko je znao, govorio je – u prozi. ● ● ● Na času fiskulture nastavnik
razgovara s direktorom i ne gleda učenike dok skaču u dalj. Dragiša se
zalete, ali pred samom linijom stade i otrča do nastanika. - Druže
nastavniče, kako sam skočio? - Samo tako
nastavi i biće sve u redu – odgovori nastavnik. ● ● ● |
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Profesor biologije ulazi i počinje
ispitivanje. Red je došao na Ivana. Svima nam je laknulo kad je
"palo" pitanje: "Iz kojih delova se sastoji unutrašnje
uho?"
Ivan počne:
- Sastoji se
od čekića, nakovnja i...
- I...
podstiče ga profesor.
- I klešta
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