=●=
=●=
EN264 - Nedelja, 29.
III 2009.
|
|
|
→
Robin Hood: As my first order of business, I would like to appoint a new Sheriff… my friend Ahchoo.
Crowd: A black sheriff?
Blinkin: He's black?
Ahchoo: And why not? It worked in Blazing Saddles.
→
Robin Hood: Oh, my darling, I'm ready for that kiss now.
Maid Marian: But first, I must warn you. It could only be a kiss. For I am a virgin and could never… go all the way.
Robin Hood: But…
Maid Marian: Unless I were married. Or if a man pledged his endless love to me.
Robin Hood: Yes…
Maid Marian: Or if I knew that he desperately cared for me. Or if he were really cute!
|
→ Sheriff
of Rottingham: Don Giovanni, if I may say so, your
lizard looks limp. Don
Giovanni: [holding lizard] Yeah, well, when you get
to be my age… Oh! My lizard! Oh yeah! → Maid
Marian: Wait! Sheriff
of Rottingham: What for? Maid
Marian: If you promise not to kill Robin, I shall do
the most disgusting thing that I can think of. Prince
John: Oooohhh. Sheriff
of Rottingham: Oh? And what's that? Maid
Marian: I shall marry you. Sheriff of Rottingham: What? You'll be mine? You'll give yourself to me every night? And sometimes, right after lunch? |
|
Maid Marian: Yes, but only my body. You can never have my heart, my mind, or my soul!
Sheriff of Rottingham: Oh, oh yes! I respect that.
→
Little John: Let's face it. You've gotta be a man to wear tights!
→
Robin Hood: Are you with me? Yea or Nay?
Villager: Well which one means yes?
Robin Hood: Yea.
→
Robin Hood: By the by, do you know praying mantis?
Ahchoo: You're looking at him.
|
|
→ Ahchoo: What part of Georgia you from? South Central? → Angry
Villagers: LEAVE US ALONE, MEL BROOKS! → [Robin tries to jump on his horse and falls]
Ahchoo: Man, white men can't jump. → Ahchoo: We didn't land on Sherwood Forest! Sherwood Forest landed on us! → Robin
Hood: This is Ahchoo. Little
John: Bless you! Ahchoo: [laughs] No, that's my name, man. Ahchoo. |
→
Robin Hood: Blinkin, I'd like you to meet Ahchoo.
Blinkin: A Jew? Here?
Robin Hood: No no, not a Jew. Ahchoo.
→
[Broomhilde prepares to jump on horse from the balcony]
Horse: [makes loud noise and shakes head] (subtitle: She's got to be
kidding!)
→
[after falling from a tree]
Blinkin: I can see!
[runs right into another tree]
Blinkin: Nope, I was wrong.
→
Sheriff of Rottingham: This is a stealth catapult, we've been working on it secretly for months. It can hurl one of these heavy boulders undetected, over a hundred yards, completely destroying anything in its path.
Prince John: Wow! How's it work?
Sheriff of Rottingham: It's rather simple. You get one of these heavy boulders, put it here where I'm sitting, and then pull on that lever.
Prince John: Like this?
[John pulls the lever and flings Mervin into the air]
Sheriff of Rottingham: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
Latrine: [praying by her bed in her boudoir] Oh dear Lord, if you see fit to send me my one true love...
[the Sheriff crashes through the roof and lands on the bed]
Latrine: [looks up and grins] Thank you!
[starts to climb on top of the Sheriff]
Latrine: Oh my god! Oh my god!
Sheriff of Rottingham: [struggles] No! No! I have a headache!
|
[runs away] Latrine: OH BUGGER! [breaks the fourth wall] Latrine: I was *that* close! I touched it. → [Villagers begin throwing food at the
archery contest] Blinkin: Oh good, they've opened the salad bar. → [Ahchoo has released Robin from a noose] Robin
Hood: Nice shooting, Ahchoo. Ahchoo: To tell you the truth, I was aiming for the Hangman. → Robin
Hood: Good people, who have travelled from villages
near and far! Lend me your ears! Robin
Hood: [Crowd proceeds to pull off ears and throw
them at Robin] |
|
Robin
Hood: That's disgusting!
→
Robin Hood: [trying to unlock the chastity belt] Um, darling?
Maid Marian: [in sultry voice] What?
Robin Hood: You're not going to believe this...
Maid Marian: What?
Robin Hood: It won't open!
Maid Marian: WHAT?
Robin Hood: Wait, I have an idea! Call a locksmith!
→
Guard: Robin of Locksley, where is your king?
Robin Hood: King? King? And which King might that be? King Richard? King Louis? King Kong? Larry King?
→
Scarlet: Blinkin! Fix your boobs; you look like a bleedin' Picasso!
→
Prince John: Send word to one and all, and all and one… that's a little redundant, isn't it?
Herald: WHAT?
Prince John: Shut up!
→
Maid Marian: Oh, darling, don't despair! For it is written on a scroll: "One day, he, who is destined for me, shall be endowed with a magical key, that will bring an end to my… virginity."
Robin Hood: Oh, Marian, if only 'twere me.
Maid Marian: Oh, if 'twere you, 'twould be… twerrific.
|
|
→ Broomhilde: No ding-ding vithout a vedding ring! → King
Richard: [taking Prince John's crown] You are no
longer worthy to wear this sacred symbol of authority. Prince
John: Oh please have mercy on me, brother. It wasn't
my fault. I got some really bad advice from Rottingham. Crowd: [coughs] Bullshit! Bullshit! King
Richard: Brother, you have surrounded your given
name with a foul stench! [to the crowd] King Richard: From this day forth, all the toilets in the kingdom shall be known as… Johns! Crowd: [cheers] Prince John: NOOOOOOOOOOO! |
King Richard: Take him away! Put him in the Tower of London! Make him part of the tour.
→
Sheriff of Rottingham: I was angry at you before Locksley, but now I'm really pissed off!
Ahchoo: Pissed off? If I was that close to a horse's wiener I'd be worrying about being pissed on!
Ovo je takoreći
"pilot-epizoda" ove rubrike. U nekoliko navrata ćemo objavljivati
najbolje i najsmešnije izveštaje sa sastančenja newsgrupe YHV (uz njihov
blagoslov) kako bismo oživeli ovu rubriku i naveli vas da nam pišete kako ste
se proveli na sastančenjima vaših grupa, foruma i chatova.
Vaša redakcija
From: Legenda
Newsgroups: yu.humor.vic
Subject: Izveštaj (jebo vas izveštaj, svi će izginemo zbog izveštaj)
Date: 7. VI 2001
E,
sad kad su svi napisali svoju verziju sastanka, došao je red da i ja napišem… Elem, dođoh ti ja u
"Beli Narcis" još u 11:45, petnaest minuta pre roka (i pre džeza i bluza, kad smo već kod toga) i vidim ja jošte nema nikog. Rekoh da se
prošetam
ja malo da iskuliram, doćiće oni već, zavaravao sam se. I tako ti ja optrčim par stotina krugova
oko bloka (betonskog, loš kvalitet) i sednem na isti da se malo odmorim i divim miomirisu što sam tim putem
na sebe nabacio. Uz put sam rešio i dilemu: "Gde su te cigle kad ti
najvise trebaju (da razbiješ prozore na kolima dileji što te zamalo zgazila)" i našao odgovor:
"prekoputa".
|
Odlučim ja da je
vreme da se vrnem nazad i stignem taman da vidim društvo što se okupilo.
Bilo je tu i golubova glinenih i golupčića bez gline, i gline bez golubova, al' prođoh ja pored
radnje sa grnčarijom i dođoh u "Bijeli Nijeven" (promenio je ime u međuvremenu) i
zasedoh kod njih za sto.
Dok su oni nešto bulaznili i jodlovali ja sam mirno sedeo i
pio vodku s' limunom, i nisam se dao zavarati. Čime, nije ni bitno, važno da sam bio leđima uz zid. Onda su odlučili da igraju
preferans sa kockicama, tu sam ih ja molio i kumio da me nauče, al' đubrad nisu htela. Sve su učinili da me
izbace iz kombinacije. Nema veze, ja sam onda otišo da kupim burek i počeo da slušam sa zanimanjem
interesantnu raspravu koja se vodila između Mlsv i Brunette. Htedoh da se uključim, al' |
|
onda
sam shvatio da ne pričaju o agrarnoj reformi ko što sam ja u početku mislio, pa sam se
posvetio vedrijim temama.
Vela uporno
nije hteo da me fotografiše, ja se nisam bunio, jer kao što je poznato, foto-aparat krade deo vaše duše, a meni je do
moje stalo. Ionako je nemam puno, pa rekoh bolje da me ne slika. Zbog toga, a i zbog
namernog izostavljanja ovde od strane pojedinaca, moglo bi se pomisliti da ja
ovom sastanjčenju uopšte nisam ni prisustvovao! Nije to ni bitno. Važno da je krempita bila
odlična (da, Dushmane… ono što je žuto, a ne belo je krempita, jer je šampita ono što je bljutavo, a ne ukusno, za razliku od
krempite).
|
|
Kada je otpočeo duel u
ispijanju piva proglasio sam sebe za pobednika jer ja svetlo pivo ne pijem,
već
samo crno, a i to tek kad sam već pijan od vodke, što ovog puta nije bio
slučaj. Mnogo. Kada je počelo prosipanje i neuspeli pokušaji lomljenja
inventara, ja sam se iskusno bacio pod susedni sto vođen muškom intuicijom i željom da
izbliza sagledam jedan ženski par nogu. U povratku sam se osećao sjajno, ali ne i ako
pitate ostale. Oni kažu da sam se osećao odvratno, pa su me terali da idem na rastojanju od 15m od njih.
Nije to meni mnogo smetalo. Naviko sam ja na noćni život, danju
spavam, a ludujem noću, od mene je i Bog digo ruke, baš me briga, živim kako hoću. Pičila je ta pesma
iz "Golfa" što stajaše na semaforu dok smo prelazili pešački prelaz na Bulevaru. Kad
se zadesismo u parkiću i posedasmo po klupicama, mene lagani šum vetra zateče nespemnog i
ja zaspah na licu mesta, s' tim što sam prethodno istrgao jučerašnju "Politiku" iz zuba zbunjenog rotvajlera koji se tuda šetao i pokrio se njome.
Nisam ni primetio kad je Brunette otišla, a ni ostali. Rumeni zraci popodneva su mi pali
na lice i probudili me tako da sam ustanovio da penzioner rešava ukrštene reči na mom pokrivaču. Nisam se dao
zbuniti, već sam odmah otrčao na tramvajsku stanicu i sačekao prvi voz koji me je odvezao u susret novom
danu punom avantura…
|
Cilj
igre je prvi doći do Poljuda, nastala je kroz zafrkanciju i šalu, te će uskoro
biti napravljena i verzija za djecu. Inače smo
kontra svakog nasilja - objasnio je tajnik
"Torcide" Stipe Lekić.
Stipe Lekić, tajnik Kluba navijača "Hajduka" "Torcida",
predstavio je javnosti novu verziju čuvene društvene igre "Čovječe, ne
ljuti se". Kaže, nastala je na ideju dvojice članova i kroz šalu, te će uskoro
svjetlo dana ugledati i verzija za djecu u kojoj neće biti spornih polja. Naime, odrasli
znaju da su polja "Istuka si
purgera, dodatno bacanje", "Prepijan si, vrati se polje
unazad", "Druka si! Ispadaš iz igre"… samo zafrkancija.
Tako je barem objasnio Lekić, koji
je napomenuo da je "Torcida inače kontra svakog nasilja".
(preuzeto sa STV)
Pravila za
sličice na poljima:
1. Kada vas
igrač pojede, vraćate se na prethodno polje
2. Mati plače, ćaća viče (na početak)
3. Ustopa si
auto. 4 polja naprid
4. Pritvor –
preskači 1 bacanje
5. Istuka si
purgera. Dodatno bacanje
6. Zaobiđi
policijsku blokadu
7. Dobija si
zabranu. Preskoči 2 bacanja
8. Prepijan
si, vrati se polje nazad [na sličici piše "Uvik žedni"]
9. Ukra si
transparent. 8 polja naprid
10. Završija
si u bolnici. 3 polja nazad
11. Izgubija
si transparent. Ispadaš iz igre
12. Druka si!
Ispadaš iz igre
13. Nikad
dosta – dodatno bacanje
14. Mukte
poili i popili – 3 polja naprid
164. You've
ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
165. You know what "cow tipping" is.
166. The falling of one rain drop causes all drivers to immediately forget all
traffic rules; so will daylight savings time, a girl applying eye shadow in the
next car, or a flat tire three lanes over.
167. You think that the first day of
deer season is a national holiday.
168. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and
Christmas.
169. Almost everyone you know is Baptist or Methodist.
170. Visiting Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime.
171. You can drive without your license because you know if a cop stops you
he'll know you and let you go.
172. You know the difference between redneck, hillbilly, and southerner.
=●=
