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Nedelja, 5. IV 2009.
|
U
ovom broju donosimo: 2. Robin
Hud i
mu�karci u helankama (3/4)
Citati
iz legendarnog filma iz 1993.
Foto-feljton: dvojnici
poznatih ličnosti. 5. Anegdote
Jo� anegdota |
ROBIN
HUD I MU�KARCI U
HELANKAMA
Robin Hood: You are entering the territory of Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
Rabbi Tuckman: Faygeles? [clears their throats, trying to act macho] Robin Hood: No, no. We're straight. Just... merry. Rabbi Tuckman: As I. And who are you, with the exceptionally long feather in your hat? Robin Hood: I am Robin of Locksley. Rabbi Tuckman: Robin of Locksley? I've just come from Maid Marian, the woman whose heart you've stolen, you prince of thieves, you! I knew her parents before they were taken in the plague, Lord and Lady Bahgel. You know, you two were made for each other. I mean, what a combination. Locksley and Bahgel! It can't miss! ● ● ●Abbot: We are here to witness the marriage, of Mervin, the Sheriff of... [crowd snickers] Abbot: Mervin? Your name is Mervin? |  |
Sheriff of Rottingham: [over crowd laughing] Shut up! Shut up!
Abbot: OK... Mervin.
[crowd starts laughing again]
● ●
●
Sheriff of Rottingham: [taking off his leather glove and slapping Robin with it] I challenge you to a duel.
Robin Hood: [picking an iron gauntlet up from the dinner table and smacking Rottingham across the face with it, knocking him down] I accept!
● ●
●
Sheriff of Rottingham: This was to be a "private" meeting... I mean, who are these men?
Don Giovanni: These? These are my most trusted associates. On my right, Dirty Ezio. On my left, Filthy Luca.
Filthy Luca: [Stands Up] We thank you, for inviting us on the day of your daughter's wedding.
Don Giovanni: No, no, no.
Filthy Luca: I hope that her first child, is a masculine child.
Don Giovanni: Shut up! We haven't even had our meeting yet!
Filthy Luca: ...Oh yeah.
[sits down]
● ●
●
 | Rabbi Tuckman: [referring to a circumcision] The ladies love it! ● ● ●Rabbi Tuckman: I am Rabbi Tuckman, purveyor of sacramental wine and moyel extraordinaire. Merry Men: 'ello Rabbi! Rabbi Tuckman: Hello boys! Robin Hood: A moyel... I don't believe I've ever heard of that profession. Rabbi Tuckman: A moyel is a very important guy. He makes circumcisions. Scarlet: What, pray tell, sir, is a circumcision? Rabbi Tuckman: It's the latest craze. The ladies love it! Little John: I'll take one! Ahchoo: Hey, put me down for two! Robin Hood: I'm game. How's it done? Rabbi Tuckman: It's a snap. [demonstrates with a carrot and a miniature guillotine] |
Rabbi Tuckman: I take my machine here, I take your little thing, I put it through this hole, and then...
[releases the blade, cutting the end off the carrot]
Rabbi Tuckman: I nip the tip! Whose first?
Merry Men: [groan]
Little John: I changed me mind!
Ahchoo: I forgot, I already got one.
Blinkin: [puts his hand in the air] Question...
[Ahchoo pulls his arm down silencing him]
Rabbi Tuckman: I gotta start working with a younger crowd.
Robin Hood: [first meeting Blinkin the blind servant] BLINKIN!
Blinkin: Master Robin, Is that you?
Robin Hood: Yes.
Blinkin: What back from the Crusades?
Robin Hood: Yes.
Blinkin: And alive?
Robin Hood: [pause] yes.
● ● ●Sheriff of Rottingham: The old man is Locksley.
Prince John: Are you sure? He looks like Mark Twain.
● ●
●
Sheriff of Rottingham: Sire, I have news!
Prince John: And what sort of news do you have? It's not bad news, is it? You know I can't take bad news. The day started out so good. I had a good night's sleep, I had a good B.M. I don't want to hear any bad news. So, what kind of news is it?
Sheriff of Rottingham: Well, to be perfectly frank, it's bad.
Prince John: [shouts] I knew it! I knew it would be bad news. Wait, I have an idea. Maybe if you tell me the bad news in a good way, it wouldn't sound so bad.
Sheriff of Rottingham: [thinking] The bad news in a good way. Yes, I can do that. The bad news in a good way. Well, here it goes.
[hysterically]
Sheriff of Rottingham: W-wait till you hear this! I just saw Robin of Locksley, he's back from the crusades.
[laughs]
Sheriff of Rottingham: You know, he just beat the crap out of me and my men.
[laughs]
Sheriff of Rottingham: He hates you and he loves your brother, Richard!
[laughs]
Sheriff of Rottingham: And...
[laughs]
Sheriff of Rottingham: ... he wants to see you hanged!
[laughs]
Sheriff of Rottingham: We, we're in a lot of trouble!
[laughs and snorts loudly]
Prince John: [furious] What, are you crazy? Why are you laughing? This is terrible news!
 | ● ●
● Ahchoo: [after Blinkin catches an arrow] Blinkin! How did you do that? Blinkin: I heard that coming a mile away. Robin Hood: Right-o, Blinkin, very good. Blinkin: Pardon? Who's talking? ● ● ●Angry Villager: There must be another way of doing the credits. Fire Marshal: That's right. Every time they make a Robin Hood movie, they burn our village down! |
ANEGDOTE
- ● ● ● -
Pokojni Nigl Brjus, veliki engleski komičar, krenuo je na svoje prvo gostovanje po Americi � iz straha.
- Provodio sam vikend na jednom malom, ali bri�ljivo obrađivanom imanju u Sariju � priča Brjus � U nedelju sam ustao rano, pre domaćina i ostalih gostiju i odlučio da se pre doručka pro�etam. Dok sam �etao, pogled mi je pao na jednu krupnu breskvu, jedinu zrelu na čitavom drvetu. Izgledala je toliko lepa i sočna da nisam odoleo isku�enju: ubrao sam je i pojeo.
Kada sam se vratio u kuću domaćica je već sedela za stolom i pila kafu. Dočekala me je rečima: "Za mene i mog mu�a ovo je veliki dan. Danas nam dolaze članovi �irija koji treba da ocene uspehe voćara u čitavoj grofoviji. dvadeset godina dokazivali smo tim nevernim Tomama da se i pod na�im podnebljem mogu odgajiti odlične breskve. I najzad smo uspeli u tome. Na na�oj breskvi dozreo je prvi plod".
- ● ● ● - Helen Bakli, sekretarica Aleksandra Fleminga, pronalazača penicilina, pi�e u svojim uspomenama da joj je jednog letnjeg dana 1944. godine Fleming ne�to diktirao kada su iznenada prve sirene objavile da se Londonu pribli�avaju nemačke leteće bombe. - Digla sam glavu malo nervozno, nadajući se da do daljeg znaka za uzbunu neće doći. Ali, sirene su zaurlale i po drugi put. Iz daljine se već čuo zvuk leteće bombe. Zasvirale su i treće sirene: to je značilo da bomba leti pravo na grad. Već sam je videla kroz prozor i znoj je počeo da mi se sliva niz lice. Jedva sam dr�ala olovku. Pogledala sam Fleminga ispod oka � nijedna crta na licu nije mu se pokrenula. |  |
Najzad je bomba proletela iznad na�ih glava: cela zgrada se zatresla, a predmeti na stolu za kojim smo radili su zazveckali. I tek kada se zvuk leteće bombe vi�e nije čuo i kada su sirene objavile prestanak uzbune, Fleming se prenuo, pogledao me i viknuo: "Lezite!!!" [PZ #874/1968]
- ● ● ● -
Za vreme svoje posete Poljskoj general De Gol upoznao se na jednom prijemu s glumicom Beatom Tu�kijevič koja mu je ispričala da je upravo zavr�eno snimanje filma u kojem je ona igrala Napoleonovu ljubav Mariju Valevsku.
- Sada kada sam upoznao Poljakinje, razumem Napoleona � rekao je De gol � Na nesreću, istorija se ne ponavlja. Vi ste suvi�e mladi za to, a ja suvi�e...
- ... suvi�e visoki. � upala mu je u reč glumica. [PZ #875/1968]
- ● ● ● -
Za vreme jedne �etnje kroz Pariz, jedan student upita filozofa Bertrana Rasela, kakva je, po njegovom mi�ljenju, razlika između optimiste i pesimiste.
- Optimisti, - reče Rasel gledajući u semafor � vide samo zeleno. Pesimisti, pak, vide crveno...
Zati napravi nekoliko koraka, zaustavi se i dodade:
- A pametni su daltonisti.
- ● ● ● -
Među �ampionima boksa svih kategorija D�ek Dempsej je, verovatno, najvi�e uzbuđivao ma�tu publike. Godinama su razne siled�ije, pijanice i drugi �eljni slave izazivali čuvenog boksera, na ulicama ili kafanama, da bi kasnije mogli da se pohvale kako su se tukli sa najveći bokserom na svetu.
 | Jedne večeri, posle ponoći, u jednom hotelu u Kaliforniji u kome je odseo Dempsej, pojavio se neki čovek i izjavio da �eli da se boksuje sa njim. Po�to ga portir obavesti o tome, Dempsej ga mirno saslu�a i reče mu: - Molim vas, budite ljubazni i recite tom drugaru da mu za noćas slobodno prepu�tam svoju titulu. Samo ga zamolite da mi je ujutru vrati. - ● ● ● - Kad su poznatoj francuskoj glumici Mi�el Morgan napravili kompliment zbog njene lepote i pored poodmaklih godina, ona reče smejući se: - Ja imam retku privilegiju: dugo detinjstvo. Zamislite, ovog meseca ću proslaviti tek dvanaesti rođendan. Mi�el Morgan je u pravu: rođena je 29. februara. [PZ #876/1968] - ● ● ● - Kad je za�ao u godine, veliki pronalazač Edison postao je vegetarijanac. Jednom mu je u poseti bio Rudolf Dizel, Edison je naveo razgovor na tu temu i odu�evljeno stao da dokazuje kako su na�i najstariji preci vodili prirodan način �ivota i da nisu znali za uni�tavajuće dejstvo alkohola. - Niste u pravu � usprotivio se Dizel. � Istorija i antropologija nam dokazuju da je čovek počeo da upotrebljava alkohol gotovo u isto vreme kad i hleb. Ne �eleći da se tako olako preda, Edison je zapitao: - A za�to ka�ete "gotovo u isto vreme"? - Samo zbog toga �to je za previranje zrnevlja potrebno izvesno vreme � odgovorio mu je Dizel. |
LOCIRAJTE SE
174. Y'all is a word.
175. There is no such thing as tea� It's sweet tea.
176. If a single snowflake falls, the town is paralyzed for three days,
and it's
on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a week. All
grocery
stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet paper,
and beer.
If there is a remote chance of snow, and if it does snow, people will
be on the
corner selling "I survived the blizzard" t-shirts, not to mention the
fact that all schools will close at the slightest possible chance of
snow.
177. Your directions include "when you see the Waffle House" or
"turn on the dirt road".
178. You say "sir" and "ma'am" if there's even a chance
someone is even thiry seconds older than you.
179. You think a green light means the pace car has just left the track
and
It's time to go racing.
180. There is nothing but country on the radio.
181. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and
look for
a funnel.
182. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
183. A Mercedes Benz isn't a status symbol. Chevy Silverado Extended
Bed Crew
Cab is.
184. You know everything goes better with Ranch dressing.
185. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
186. Krispy Kreme doughnuts are the only doughnuts that exist.
187. You know at least one Bubba, and maybe a few guys named Bo.
188. You don't assume the car with the blinker light on is actually
going to
turn anytime in the near future.
�
Vi mora da ste iz Alberte
ako� (CND,
poglavlje VI)
189. If
you dont like
the weather, wait 5 minutes
190. You are bundled up in 3 sweaters, a parka, a touque, 2 pairs of
mittens,
boots past your knees in 3 feet of snow in a -35�C (-8000 with the
windchill)
blizzard, your eyelashes are frozen together, your nose is running, you
cant
feel your toes, and you still stop at 7-Eleven for a slurpee on the way
home
191. You know several people who have hit deer more than once
192. You use a down comforter in the summer
193. Your grandparents drive at 100 km/h through four meters of snow
during a
blizzard without flinching
194. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how
to use
them
195. You design your kid's halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit
196. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
197. You know both seasons: Winter and Construction
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