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Nedelja, 30. V
2010.
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U ovom broju donosimo:
Povodom otvaranje Stranice na FB
Nekoliko odabranih rečenica iz serije "Bračne vode"
Foto-feljton: dvojnici poznatih ličnosti.
Pravila pona�anja i posledice �kolovanje Ljube Moljca
Vi mora da ste iz� ako je
većina ovih tvrdnji tačna (Islamabad, Jork; 1681-1715) |
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onačno iznenađenje koje smo vam
obećali jo� pre dva broja! Sinoć je otvorena Inernet
Stranica na "Fejsbuku" i tamo ćemo, za početak
objavljivati sadr�aje najnovijih
brojeva, a moći ćete i da
"lajkujete" i komentari�ete (molim, bez pretnji sa bombama,
oklagijama i pihtijama). Čitaoci koji su među čika-urednikovim
prijateljima mogu očekivati pozivnicu. Samo prihvatite, pa ćete onda
lako obrisati kad sledeći put budete pravili "veliko spremanje".
Adresa:
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/pages/Casopis-Ein-Newyddion/111513125559932?ref=ts
Va�a
redakcija
BUNDY, AL BUNDY
◙ Ja sam jedini
mu�karac na svijetu koji se
treba probuditi da do�ivi noćnu moru. ◙ Mu�karčev dom je
njegov lijes. ◙ �ene - ne mo�e�
�ivjeti s njima, ne mo�e�
ih poslati u Kanadu. ◙ �ene - ne mo�e�
�ivjeti s njima. Gotovo. ◙ Tako sam gladan da
bi mogao pojesti
povrće. ◙ Tako se dobro
osjećam, da sam gotovo
sretan. ◙ Vozio sam se kući.
Samo Bog zna
za�to... ◙ Opera nije gotova
sve dok zadnji
heteroseksualac ne zaspi. ◙ Mrzim svoj �ivot.
Ne mogu jesti, ne mogu
spavati, ne mogu zakopati �enu u dvori�tu. ◙ Ali Peg, vjenčani smo 17 godina - zar ne mo�emo biti samo prijatelji? |
 |
◙ Jedan dan, svi ga
na�ivcirali. Sin, kćer, �ena, pas i zazvoni mu zvono na vratima. Veli
Al:
"Oh God, please let it be Jehovas witnesses!!!"
◙ Uni�tila si mi
�ivot i sad hoće� da mi uni�ti� i smrt?
◙ "A fat woman
sloshed into the shoe
store today. Said she was retaining water. I told her not to worry the
dam of
cellulite should keep us all safe for the next few years!"
◙ "A skinny woman
with a hooked nose
olive-oils into the shoe store and says "I want something to make me
look
sexy". I say "You'll have to wait a long time before someone that
ugly comes in and stands next to you!!"."
◙ "A fat woman
clip-clops into the
shoestore today and says "I want something I can feel comfortable
in." so I said "Try Wyoming!"
◙ "Then this woman
comes in who doesn't
speak English. She points at the shoes, I point at the door. She points
at the
sky and then knees me in the nay-nays!"
◙ "Let me explain.
It's just like an
elevator. There's a 2 ton weight limit on those shoes..."
◙ "A customer walks
into the shoestore
today. A tall willowy brunette. She sits down and asks to try on a pair
of size
12 pumps. So I sit down there, doing my business and I notice she's
wearing a
garter belt which I like. All the time she'd smiling at me. Suddenly
she
uncrosses her legs like in Basic Instinct..... It was a guy!!!"
 | ◙ "A fat woman walked
into the shoe
store today. She was so fat, she had three smaller women orbiting
around
her." ◙ "A woman comes into
the shoestore
today, so huge she's protected by GreenPeace. She asked for a pair of
size 4 so
I asked if she'd eat them here or take them home. Then she has the
nerver to
complain about my performance!" ◙ "A fat woman
godzillas into the shoe
store today, she asks for something she could wear to walk in the
woods.
Jokingly I suggest she wear a sign that says "Don't shoot! From the
front
I look human!"." |
◙ "A fat woman came into the shoe
store today. Wanted a pair of shoes for a Christmas party. I told her
to stand
on her hands, put a star in her butt and go as the world's largest,
ugliest
tree!"
◙ A little kid and
his mum are in the store.
The kid says "I want a balloon" and Al replies (looking at the fat
mother) "You've already got one!".
◙ If God had wanted
women to bowl, he would
have put their breasts on their backs so we would have something to
watch while
waiting our turn.
◙ Peggy: No TV, Al,
we're talking.
Al: You're my wife. I will
not talk to you while I have a TV.
◙ Al: Peg, kids, get
ready to torture me - I'm home.
◙ Kelly: Bud, I'm
gonna kill you and then I'm gonna bury you alive.
◙ Peggy: I want sex.
Al: So do I, but I see no
reason to drag *you* into it.
◙ Peggy: Did you
miss me?
Al: With every bullet, so
far.
◙ Al: Now wait a second
Peg, the kids are here. If you want to have sex, they'll have to leave.
And if
you want it to be good, you'll have to leave.
◙ Marcy: [imitating
Al's caveman ancestors] Me no understand wheel thing. Wanna buy some
shoes?
◙ Operator
Recording: Your selections indicate you own a burnt sienna, mid-century
Dodge
with over 90.000 miles on it. If this is correct, Press 1.
[Al presses 1]
Operator Recording: Hello,
Mr. Bundy.
◙ Jefferson: Al,
have you ever read the book, "The Man is Always Right"?
Al: Good. On Easter I'll dip you both in chocolate
and break your heads off.
◙ Al: [referring to Peg's mother] Peg, me and the
floorboards can't take your mother any more.
◙ Peggy: Daddy's our secret weapon.
◙ [a frumpy
middle-aged woman walks into Al's shoe store]
Woman: I need shoes.
Al: Blacksmith's right
around the corner.
◙ Peggy: Now kids;
you know that Daddy has worked hard on his new room and we don't want
to hurt
his feelings, so, nobody laugh until I do first!
◙ Al: [entering the
house] Hello Morticia, Wednesday, Pugsley...
BONTON I POSLEDICE
njiga u kojoj se obja�njava kako da se lepo
pona�a�, a u kojoj se nudi hiljadu opcija
kako da ispadne� sme�an, ili da misle da nema� muda, ili da
deluje� kao manijak ili čudak.
Bacimo pogled na nekolicinu pravila:
 | PRAVILO:
Osoba ni�a po polo�aju se ne obraća osobi vi�oj po polo�aju dok joj se ova ne obrati.
PRAVILO:
Razgovor sa mu�karcem obavezno započinje �ena. U
prisustvu �ene je po�eljno sme�kati se i gledati u oči. |
ispred �ene niz
stepenice, a uporedo uz stepenice. Ako je stepeni�te usko, prednost
treba dati
�enama.
POSLEDICA: Penjete se uz usko
stepeni�te, a ti pusti� kom�iku da ide ispred, pa ona pomisli: "Garant
hoće pod suknju da mi gvirne. Manijak!"
PRAVILO:
Ako pri ulasku u
lift primetite jo� nekoga u hodniku,
treba zadr�ati vrata i ponuditi im da uđu u lift.
POSLEDICA:
- Gospođice, ulazite u lift?
- Ne, hvala! (u sebi misli: Bo�e, hoće čovek da me u liftu
napastvuje!)
PRAVILO:
Prilikom vo�nje
liftom, treba stajati licem okrenut ka
drugoj osobi.
POSLEDICA: Ona stoji i gleda se u
ogledalu, a ti stao iza nje, isto se gleda� u ogledalu. Ona pomisli da
hoće� da je siluje� i prsne ti suzavac u oči.
PRAVILO:
Mu�karac je taj
koji treba da zove konobara, ali
nikako mahanjem ili dozivanjem, već očima.
POSLEDICA: Ti koluta� očima
pola sata i beči� se konobaru, a on te ne konstatuje, po�to gleda u
sise
onoj ribi �to sedi pored �anka.
PRAVILO: Pri dolasku na posao se obavezno pozdravljamo sa ostalima. Tokom razgovora sa kolegom se mo�emo interesovati za njegovu porodicu i ljubazno postaviti pitanje.
POSLEDICA:
- Kolega, �ta vam radi �ena?
- �ta tebe boli kurac �ta mi radi �ena?
PRAVILO:
Čak i kada smo
ubeđeni da na� sagovornik ne
govori istinu, nikada mu ne treba reći "La�e�!", već
prećutati ili eventualno reći "Mo�da se vara�"..
POSLEDICA:
- Opalio sam sinoć onu kom�iku. Kako je dobra, ne bi mi verovao. Triput
smo se kresnuli!
- Mo�da se vara�.
- Ti mene malo zajebava�?
PRAVILO: Kad neko kine, ne ka�e se "Na
zdravlje" nego "Vi kihnuste?"
POSLEDICA:
- Vi kihnuste?
- Hvala sto primetiHste.
(preuzeto sa "Vukajlije")
LjUBINA �KOLA
U redu, brate, �ta je sa ovim
roditeljima? Samo se �ale � deca neće da im idu u �kolu. Be�e iz �kole. Ja
sam uvek obo�avao �kolu. I�'o sam svaki dan u �kolu, naročito kada mi
lopta upadne u �kolsko dvori�te.
Inače, od predmeta mi je
najbolje i�ao mali i veliki odmor. Jao, �to sam to gradivo savladao! I
u �koli
su me zvali "Vojskovođa". Imao sam mnogo jedinica.
Inače, i�ao sam i u dopisnu
baletsku �kolu i tako sam dobro igrao Belog labuda u baletu "Labudovo
jezero" da je malo falilo posle predstave da me prime u zoolo�ki vrt.
Inače, bio sam i sjajan
student. Dođem na ispit, pru�im profesoru indeks i ka�em: "Molim vas,
profesore, upi�ite mi 10 da ne dolazim dva puta".
Posle dođem da se zaposlim,
pitaju me "Kol'ko ima� od �kole?", ja ka�em: "Prilično.
Jedno pet tramvajskih stanica".
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(preuzeto odavde)
LOCIRAJTE SE
�
Vi mora da
ste iz Islamabada ako� (PK, poglavlje XXXIII)1681. You think you're better than that someone who doesnt have |
1682. You go to
1683. You go to
1684. You buy all your stationary from Durrani
1685. You
whine when you find out that Margalla motel is not your centre
| 1686.
You have a friend/relative in almost every street of 1687. You think its perfectly normal to have a 4km park in the middle of the city 1688. You see the same cars every morning when going to school/work 1689. You practically live in Jinnah 1690. You practiacally live for the "Gandey" waley chips from Jinnah and dont like any other chips no matter how good they are 1691. You use to go to "Yummy 36" for ice cream because that was the only ice cream parlour in town 1692. You ditched "Yummy 36" for hot spot when it opened up because it served amazing ice cream 1693. You're proud of the fact that hot spot opened in 1694. You used to go to "Sogo 2000" for burgers because that was the only burger joint in the city and have celebrated many birthdays there |  |
�
Vi mora da ste iz Jorka ako� (
| 1695. You meet up at
the
fountain 1696. You know the name of all the "bars" (not the drinking places) 1697. You pass the Minster every weekend but have never been in it 1698. You promise yourself you'll go on a ghostwalk but probably never will 1699. You wonder how many foreign people's photos you're in. 1700. You know what a "snickelway" is 1701. You start getting pissed off with people in walking boots and wearing backpacks, because you know they're fucking tourists. 1702. You act pissed off when a tourist asks you for directions (but you secretly love it) 1703. You know you shouldn't, but always find yourself eating at Jumbo's 1704. You know Plaggy Terry and/or have a photo with him 1705. You've seen "Janice Church" written somewhere� (who is she?) 1706. You know the only decent cinema is a thirty minute buss ride away |  |
1707. You still get excited when seeing the squirrels in the museum gardens
1708. You don't go to the back of the
1709. Having Vikings, Romans and dead people walk by you has become a
matter of
course and you don't give it a second thought.
1710. You've seen every single buskers act in the whole
of
1711. You deliberately walk behind the Zombie to make him jump at you
and then
act as if nothing's happened, just to impress the
tourists
1712. You act as if you dont care when the river floods to the
tourists, but
when no one's looking, you rush over and have a look
1713. You think you know all the "shortcuts" in
1714. You wait all year for the ice rink and you
get excited, but once
it's here, you realise how shit it is
1715. You stop and listen to the Christian preachers� Not because they have
anyting valid to say, you just fancy some cheap laughs.
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