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Nedelja, 10. X 2010.

U ovom broju donosimo: 2. Smiješna strana digitalizacije Muke tehničara 4. Stvari koje bi voljeli reći naglas na poslu Odabrane rečenice 4. Špigl - dvojnici poznatih Foto-feljton: dvojnici poznatih ličnosti. 6. Avatari Kako proceniti osobu na osnovu njihove slike u avataru (isecane, zumirane i slike pod uglom) 6. Guzica moli premeštaj Pismena žalba 7. Locirajte se! Vi mora da ste iz… ako je većina ovih tvrdnji tačna (Kent, Kentaki; 2233-2270)

Sačuvajte ovaj broj! Možete od njega da napravite: - molersku kapu - brodić - avion koji leti— Urednicima ostalih časopisa: Budite fer i ostavite link za ovaj časopis kad već uzimate materijal odavde!

SMIJEŠNA STRANA DIGITALIZACIJE

nalogno, digitalno, prijamnik, scart kabel, DVB-T, Set top box, vaučer... Zbog prelaska s analognog  emitiranja TV signala na digitalni, htjeli - ne htjeli, svi smo se ove godine morali "obračunati" s tim izrazima.  Uz one kojima oni nisu nikakva nepoznanica i sve im je odmah jasno, postoji ipak i mnogo ljudi kojima je sve to bila i još uvijek jest - muka ježeva. Shvaćaju malo, ili ništa.

Analni prijamnik I što tada jedino preostaje? Pitati. Tako su pozivi neupućenih građana iz cijele zemlje nerijetko stizali i u našu redakciju te u Središnji državni ured za e-Hrvatsku, koji je i zaslužan što će digitalizacija biti završena u roku. A upita je bilo kojekakvih. Ozbiljnih, zabrinutih, stručnih, ljutitih, zbunjenih… No, posve razumljivo i očekivano bilo je i onih - duhovitih. Stoga odlučismo temi digitalizacije, koju smo dosad obrađivali na stručan i ozbiljan način, prići i s one druge - vedrije i ležernije strane. Pa evo... ● Proljetos je u našu redakciju nazvala jedna odlučna baka iz Podbiokovlja kazavši: - Vratila bih kupon koji sam dobila za tu digi... televiziju. Meni to ne treba! Ja ću i dalje gledati kao i do sada.

- Gospođo, ali ako imate stari televizor onda morate kupiti digitalni prijamnik. - upozorili smo je.
- Zadovoljna sam ja i ovako. Ma ne treba meni ni boja. Mogu gledati i crno-bijelo.
- Ne kupite li taj prijamnik nećete moći gledati ništa. Sve će vam biti crno. - dodali smo.
- Eeee, jadna sam ga. Vrag odnio i taj stroj. Reći ću onda Ivi da to kupi i isprikapča. Ajde, hvala i bok!
Baka je valjda sretno prešla na digitaliju, jer nam se Ive - nije javio.
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- Dobar dan. Ja sam kupio DVB-T retriver. - pohvalio se, pak, gospodin službenicima na dežurnom telefonu e-Hrvatske. Drugi je pitao "koliko košta digitalni eastriver?", a trećeg je zanimalo gdje se može kupiti - odašiljač.

● Neki su se posve smeli u svoj sili stručnih izraza, da su na kraju pitanje formulirali ovako:
- Oprostite, gdje je moguće kupiti analni prijamnik?

● Kod onih koji su se sami bacili u akciju dolazilo je do svakojakih situacija, kombinacija i pitanja:
- Stavio sam vanjsku antenu u sobu na ormar. Nešto nije u redu... Je li potrebno uključiti televizor u struju nakon što spojimo digitalni prijamnik?

● Spojio sam satelitsku antenu na taj vaš prijamnik i sad nemam signala... S koje strane televizora treba staviti prijamnik?...

● Ne radi mi digitalni prijamnik. Pa zar ga treba spojiti u struju i na TV?...

(na slici: primer staračkog ludila)

● A evo i nekoliko zanimljivih razgovora stručnih operatera s onima koji su se u muci obratili za pomoć. - Vama smeta brdo. - I što bi ja sad treb'o? Pomaknut brdo? ● - Mate mi nije donio kupon. Zašto? - Oprostite, tko je Mate? - Mate? Pa, poštar. - Glasi li pretplata na vaše ime? - Je, je. - A je li adresa na kojoj živite jednaka onoj na računu? - Nije. - Znate, ako ste promijenili adresu stanovanja, morali ste HRT-u prijaviti promjenu pretplatničkih podataka. Možete to učiniti i sada.

- A šta će to Mati?

- Nakon izmjene podataka, poštar će vam na pravu adresu donijeti kupon.

- Ma šta će to Mati kad on i ovako zna gdje živim...

Dragi direktore...

A neki su pisali "direktoru za digitalne prijamnike":
●        "Dragi direktore, pišem vam u ime moga muža Mate koji kruha ne jede deset godina. Umro je. Molim vas da mi dostavite kupon na moje ime jer ja plaćam račun".

● Ili: "Dragi direktore, malo sam zagubio kupon, što mi je činiti"?

● "Prijamnik mi se ne uklapa uz namještaj. Postoji li možda u nekoj drugoj boji?".

("Večernji list")

STVARI KOJE BI VOLjELI REĆI NAGLAS NA POSLU

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. 6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 10. Ahhhh. I see the f *ck-up fairy has visited us again.

ŠPIGL - DVOJNICI POZNATIH Ostrva Galapagos → Morski konjic

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.

14. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a f*cking people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw you a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different…

32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door number 1? 34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it? 36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done. 37. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money. 39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent. 40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 41. Aren't you a black hole of need. 42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in? 43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning? 44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma. 45. If you have something to say raise your hand… then place it over your mouth. 46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

47. Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.

48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

50. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.

51. Don't believe everything you think.

52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring

53. I see your lips moving, but I don't hear anything.

1. Hajde, molim te, ti sjedni ovdje, a ja ću tebi reći to što si ti sad meni rekao.

2. Samo jednu minutu, pa se opet vrati tamo.

AVATARI

* in 2% of portraits, cropping and angle is due to drunkenness, laziness, or lack of artistic prowess, and doesn't otherwise reflect subjects character

GUZICA MOLI PREMEŠTAJ

Predmet: Guzica moli premeštaj položaja

Žalba protiv lokacije

Dole gde se ja nalazim, potpisana guzica, molim da se razmotre tegobe i moj položaj u sledećim nepravilnostima:
- Svi me ugnjetavaju i sede na meni
- Uvek sam u tami i ne vidim ni Sunca ni Meseca
- Nemam pravo glasa, a kad se oglasim svi protestvuju
- U higijenskom sam pogledu na zadnjem mestu
- Zadnja primam štampu i to zgužvanu
- Moja najbliža komšinica prima meso, a ja prerađevinu
- Mojoj komšinici stalno dolaze novi gosti pa me uznemiravaju
- Kad dolaze kod nje vešaju torbu na moja vrata i time mi čine uzurpaciju poseda
- Na stepeništu nema svetla, pa se gosti moje komšinice često zalete i na moja vrata

U uverenju da će naslov uzeti na razmatranje moju žalbu i doneti povoljno rešenje, zahvaljujem se u ime svih ženskih guzica. Dole potpisano: DUPE LOCIRAJTE SE ¤  Vi mora da ste iz Kenta ako… (UK, ENG, poglavlje XLII) 2233. You wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that Dover is actually part of France. 2234. You know someone whose sister's mum's cousin's dad's dog's breeder's daughter married into a Pikey family. 2235. You've been to Ashford many times. Round and round. Round and round… 2236. You hate the way that Kent and London are clumped together.

2237. You've learnt to keep your opinions about Bromley to yourself.
2238. Street Wars on Sky One makes you proud.
2239. Your parents believe that the KM is God, and you're slowly warming to their way of thinking.
2240. The more mention of the Kingsferry Bridge makes your blood boil. Waste of fucking money!
2241. You visit Tovil every year to laugh at the tacky Christmas lights. In October.
2242. You know exactly where a giant flower-covered sheep can be found at any one given time.

2243. The #151 bus brings you out in a cold sweat 2244. You have your own seat at Bluewater 2245. You have swapped your monthly trips to Lakeside in favour of Bluewater. You now only visit Essex for Ikea and feel like a brave soldier when you do. 2246. You smile smugly at outsiders' mispronunciation of places such as Trottiscliffe, Lympne and Loose, but don't bother to correct them because you know they won't understand. 2247. Despite its occupants' claims to the contrary, you know that Herne Bay is by no means quaint… 2248. Gold lacy blankets and Burberry prams are normal.

2249. You are either Team Stagecoach or Team Arriva; there is no in-between.
2250. You would never ever pick up a hitchhiker from Bluebell hill.
2251. You have seen Barry Evans a fair few times on your Kentish travels, and have a rough idea of where Kelly Brook resides.
2252. You find yourself proudly screaming "Gillingham!" every weekend, and never thought you'd see that day.

¤  Vi mora da ste iz Kentakija ako… (SAD, poglavlje XLIII)

2253. No matter how much you think you talk normally, when you head up North they all think you talk like a redneck
2254. Your English teacher says things like "Y'all" and "Ain't Got None"
2255. The best restaurant in town is the Cracker Barrel
2256. You still believe the South should be it's own nation
2257. You believe the Civil War was not a far fight
2258. It's not an uncommon site to see a fat man in overalls and a cowboy hat drivin' down the road in a beat up Chevy with a confederate flag hangin' off the back with music from Johhny Rebel blastin' out of his radio

2259. Biscuits, gravy, and grits is your favorite breakfast 2260. Wakin' up with coons and squirrels on your back porch is not an uncommon thing 2261. To you, huntin' aint killin', its sorta like grocery shoppin' 2262. You own at least 10 country or southern rock CD's 2263. You only own a pair of church shoes and winter shoes 2264. In the summer you don't wear shoes 2265. Even your grandmother chews tobacco 2266. You consider the northern part of the country "The Union" 2267. A rebel flag doesn't simbolize racism to you 2268. Your church parking lot is filled with pickups 2269. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "Hey!" or "How y'all doin'?" 2270. A carbonated soft drink is a coke, regardless of brand or flavor.

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