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EN372 - Nedelja, 24. IV 2011.

U ovom broju donosimo: 2. Albuquerque Tekst pesme Weird Al Yankovića 2. Reč uredništva Povodom praznika 4. Anegdote Još anegdota 6. Locirajte se! Vi mora da ste iz… ako je većina ovih tvrdnji tačna (Minesota, Misuri, Mičigen; 3124-3169) 8. Nagradna igra Pogodite na čiji koncert vas vodimo!

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ALBUQUERQUE

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop… You know the place… Well anyway, back then life

was going swell and everything was just peachy. Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut! Every single mornin'. It was driving me crazy! I said to my mom, I said "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?" And my dear, sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train, and she leaned right down next to me and she said: "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!!!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth and force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old.

Našim čitaocima koji slave Uskrs (pravoslavni ili rimokatolički – svejedno) želimo srećan praznik i da ga provedu u radosti i veselju. Христос воскресе! Ваистину воскресе! Vaša Redakcija

That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer and the towels are oh so fluffy! 

Where the Shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel. Wacka wacka doodoo yeah! Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt. I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize. That's right, a first class one-way ticket to Albuquerque Albuquerque Oh yeah! You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before. And I gotta tell ya, it was really great! Except that I had to sit between two

large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor, and the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time, the flight attendants ran out of "Dr. Pepper's" and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie was "Bio-Dome" with Pauly Shore, and, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out and we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died… Except for me. You know why?
'Cause I had my tray table up and my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up and my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up and my seat back in the full upright position
Ah ha ha ha Ah ha ha Ahhhh
So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage. I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel. But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn where the towels are oh so fluffy! And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna. It's OK, they're clean
Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C, and I turned on the Spectravision and I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow that I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on

the door. Well now, who could that be? I say "Who is it?" No answer "Who is it?" There's no answer. "WHO IS IT?!" They're not sayin' anything. So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as Isuspected! It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril (Oh man, I hate it when I'm right). So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel and I'm like "Hey, you can't have that! That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me" And he's like "Tough" And I'm like "Give it" And he's like "Make me" And I'm like "'Kay" So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus and I bit off his ear and he chewed off

my eyebrows and I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation! Yes, indeed, you'd better believe it (Deep Breath). And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook and twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice. And you know what it said? I'll tell you what it said
It said:
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator
In Albuquerque… Albuquerque"

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel, but I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest, I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice. But first, I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop and I walked on up to the guy behind the counter. And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?" I said "You got any glazed donuts?" He said "Nah, we're outta glazed donuts" I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?" He said "Nah, we're outta jelly donuts" I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?" He said "Nah, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts" I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?" He said "Nah, we're outta cinnamon rolls" I said "You got any apple fritters?" He said "Nah, we're outta apple fritters" I said "You got any bear claws?" He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check" "NAH, we're outta bear claws" I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?" He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels" I said "OK, I'll take that" So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out and they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over (rabid gnawing sounds)! Oh man, they were just going nuts! They were tearin' me apart! You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head. I believe it went a little something like this: "Aahhhh! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Ohhhh! No, get 'em off, get 'em off! Ooooh my God, oh my God! Oh, get 'em off me! Ooooh my God! Ah, (more screaming)" I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face wavin' my

ANEGDOTE Režiser Semjuel Bronštajn telefonirao je jednoj poznatoj glumici i predložio joj je glavnu ulogu u svom sledećem filmu "Poslednji dani Pompeje". - Prihvatam ulogu, reče mu glumica. - Ali od čega je umrla ta vaša Pompeja? - Poslaću vam scenario. - reče režiser - Videćete, ništa ozbiljno: od erupcije. ● ● ● Persijski kralj Darije (521-486 pne) primi na poklon izuzetno veliki plod nara. Jedan od njegovih dvorjana upita ga čega bi želeo da ima onoliko koliko u ovom plodu ima zrnaca. - Želeo bih da imam toliko iskrenih i vernih prijatelja - odgovori posle kraćeg razmišljanja moćni kralj.

arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' like a constipated wiener dog and as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams. Her name was Zelda. She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches. I'll never forget the first thing she said to me. She said: "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"
That's when I knew it was true love! We were inseparable after that. Aw, we ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss. The world was our burrito! So we got

married and we bought us a house, and had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly. Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah. But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me. She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?". I said "Whoa, hold on now, baby! I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!" So we broke up and I never saw her again, but that's just the way things go. In Albuquerque… Albuquerque Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream. That's right, I got me a part-time job at the Sizzler. I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire with my face. Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that. I was gettin' a lot of attitude.

OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil when I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself. So I, I say to him, I say: "Hey, you want me to help you with that?", and Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes: "Noooo, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw". So I did.
And then he gets all indignant on me. He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic!" Well, that's just great! How was I supposed to know that? I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud! Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy. So what's he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote. This guy comes up to me on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three whole days. Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein and he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over. And I'm like "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?" But he just kept rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming. (screaming sounds) You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation. Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?
Anyway, um, um, where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought
Uh, well, uh, OK. Anyway I, I know it's kind of a roundabout way of saying it but I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is I HATE SAUERKRAUT!
That's all I'm really tryin' to say. And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential quandary full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy old mixed-up universe of ours there's still a little place called
Albuquerque… Albuquerque… Albuquerque (Albuquerque)… Albuquerque (Albuquerque)… Albuquerque (Albuquerque)… Albuquerque (Albuquerque)
I said "A" (A)
"L" (L)
"B" (B)
"U" (U)
*pauses*
"querque" (querque)
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque… Albuquerque (drum solo) (belch)

Crtani napravljen prema ovoj pesmi:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q29JSyIVd7E

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xbs7f72Srok

LOCIRAJTE SE

¤ Vi mora da ste iz Minesote ako… (USA, poglavlje LX)

3124. You can drive without your license because you know if a cop stops you he'll know you and let you go. 3125. If a single snowflake falls, the town is paralyzed for three days, and it's on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a week. All grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet paper, and beer. If there is a remote chance of snow, and if it does snow, people will be on the corner selling "I survived the blizzard" t-shirts, not to mention the fact that all schools will close at the slightest possible chance of snow. 3126. Your directions include "when you see the Waffle House" or "turn on the dirt road". 3127. You say "sir" and "ma'am" if there's even a chance someone is even thiry seconds older than you.

3128. You don't assume the car with the blinker light on is actually going to turn anytime in the near future.

3129. When you here the number "4" your first thoughts are of Brett Favre.

¤ Vi mora da ste iz Misurija ako… (SAD, poglavlje LXI)

3130. Everyone you know has been on a "Float trip"
3131. "Vacation" means driving to Silver Dollar City, Branson, or Six Flags.
3132. You think Missouri is spelled with an "ah" at the end.
3133. You know in your heart that Mizzou can beat Nebraska in football.
3134. You went to skating parties as a kid.
3135. You can't think of anything better than sitting on the porch in the middle of the summer during a thunderstorm.
3136. You've ever said, "it's not the heat, it's the humidity".
3137. You know what "Home of the throwed rolls" means!!!
3138. You know what "cow tipping" or "Possum Kicking" is.

3139. You think "frog gigging" should be an Olympic sport.
3140. You don't put too much effort into hairstyles due to wind and weather.

¤ Vi mora da ste iz Mičigena ako… (SAD, poglavlje LXII)

3141. You define summer as three months of bad sledding.
3142. You think Alkaline batteries were named for a "Tiger" outfielder.
3143. You can identify an Ohio accent.

3144. Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six pack and a bucket of smelt.
3145. If during the summer there are more out of town plates than Michigan plates.
3146. Owning a Japanese car is a hanging offense in your hometown.
3147. You know how to play (and pronounce) Euchre.
3148. The Big Mac is something that you drive across.
3149. You bake with soda and drink pop.
3150. You drive 75 on the highway and you pass on the right.

3151. Your Little League baseball game was snowed out. 3152. You learned how to drive a boat before you learned how to ride a bike. 3153. You know how to pronounce "Mackinac". 3154. The word "thumb" has a geographical rather than an anatomical significance. 3155. You expect Vernor's when you order ginger ale. 3156. You know that Kalamazoo not only exists, but that it isn't far from Hell. 3157. Your favorite holidays are Christmas, Thanksgiving, the opening of deer season and Devil's Night. 3158. Your snowmobile, lawn mower and fishing boat all have big block Chevy engines. 3159. At least one person in your family disowns you for the week of the Michigan State football game. 3160. Traveling coast to coast means driving from Port Huron to Muskegon. 3161. Half the change in your pocket is Canadian, eh. 3162. You show people where you grew up by pointing to a spot on your left hand. 3163. Your car rusts out before you need the brakes done 3164. Half the people you know say they are from Detroit… yet you don't personally know anyone who actually lives in Detroit

Transliteracija: Promaja ubija. Strujanje vazduha šteti ljudima u Vašoj okolini.

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