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Nedelja, 15. VII 2012.

U ovom broju donosimo: 2. Reč uredništva Jedva dočekane izmene na sajtu 2. Unučići Dečji biseri 4. Plata Kog tipa je vaša plata? 4. Anegdote Doskočice poznatih ličnosti 5. Alan Ford Odabrani dijalozi i odvale 5. Sestrina svadba Spisak potrebnih stvari za svadbu 6. Iz Borče za Noleta Otvoreno pismo za Novaka Đokovića 7. Locirajte se! Vi mora da ste iz… ako je većina ovih tvrdnji tačna (Toronto, Urugvaj; 5056-5092)

Sačuvajte ovaj broj! Možete od njega da napravite: - molersku kapu - brodić - avion koji leti… Urednicima ostalih časopisa: Budite fer i ostavite link za ovaj časopis kad već uzimate materijal odavde!

UNUČIĆI

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said: "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye... 2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked: "Did you start at 1?"

Eto, posle 8 godina najzad je naš časopis postao pravi online časopis! Na stranici gde ste skidali fajl u "Wordu", sada možete da čitate ceo časopis bez daunloda, traženja i otvaranja/zatvaranja fajla. Arhiva i dalje ostaje kako je i bila. Nadamo se da vam se sviđa ova izmena, mada urednik već čuje čitaoce kako u horu mrmljaju: "Dobro da si se setio!" Vaša redakcija

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and

proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice: "Who was THAT?" 4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked: "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said: "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. - What's it about? - he asked. - I don't know - she replied. - I can't read. 7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!" 8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in.

Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered: "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied:

- I'm not sure.

- Look in your underwear, Grandpa. Mine says I'm 4 to 6.

10.. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother:

- Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool:

- That's interesting... How do you make babies?

- It's simple. - replied the girl. - You just change "y" to "i" and add "es".

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

- They use him to keep crowds back. - said one child.

- No. - said another. - He's just for good luck. A third child brought the argument to a close: - They use the dogs - she said firmly, - to find the fire hydrants. 13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport." 14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him! 15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog. PLATA Luk plata Vidiš je, uzmeš je... i onda plačeš!

ANEGDOTE Nikola Tesla je bio ne samo sjajan već i strastven matematičar koji je stalno tražio probleme – da bi imao šta da rešava. U restoranu, na primer, ne bi ni dodirnuo supu pre nego što bi izračunao koliko zapreminu ona zauzima u tanjiru. Jedne večeri kelner mu je na kraju obeda doneo posudu sa voćnom salatom. Svaki komadić voća imao je drugačiji oblik i zapreminu. Tesline oči su zablistale. Problema je bilo čitavo brdo – uživanje za strastvenog matematičara. Uzeo je olovku i uskoro je njegova beležnica bila ispunjena nizovima brojki. Posle izvesnog vremena kelner mu je prišao i zapitao ga: - Nešto nije u redu sa voćnom salatom? Vidim da je niste ni dodirnuli. - Zašto ne bi bilo u redu? – odgovori Tesla i ne dižući glavu. – Odlična je... bolje ne bi mogla biti. [PZ #881/1968]

Kučka plata

Ne pomaže ti ni u čemu. Od nje samo patiš, ali ne možeš da živiš bez nje.

Dijet plata

Čini da jedeš svaki put sve manje i manje...

Ateistička plata Sumnjaš u njeno postojanje. Magična plata Napraviš nekoliko poteza i – voala! Nestala je! Olujna plata Nemaš pojma kad dolazi niti koliko će trajati. Volt Dizni plata Smrznuta je već 30 godina. Crni humor plata Smeješ se da ne bi plakao. Konzervativna plata Uzima ti inspiraciju.

Impotentna plata

Kada ti najviše treba, izneveri te...

Menstrualna plata

Dolazi jednom mesečno i traje oko 4 dana.

"Prerana ejakulacija" plata

Taman što je počela – gotovo je!

ALAN FORD

Gledaj ga samo! Netko bi mogao doći i ukrasti nam ono što nemamo! [61]

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Gradski oci: Jeste li poludjeli, inspektore? Opkoliti Zoo vrt, uzbuniti cijelu okolicu, isušiti bazen s krokodilima... To je smiješno!

Brok: Pa, prema skici koju je učinio očevidac, vjerovao sam da je riječ o krokodilu koji se osovio na zadnje noge.

Gradski otac: Jeste li ikad čuli krokodila koji govori? Brok: Nisam čuo ni svinje, pa ipak... [61] ● ● ● Plakat: "Vidi Napulj i crkni!" [61] ● ● ● Dakle, da vidimo... Sad imam konferenciju kojoj će prisustvovati tipovi koji ne razlikuju neutron od feferona. [61] ● ● ● Bob: Osim toga, nije pristojno špijunirati špijune. [61] ● ● ● Alan: ... i tako su ga odveli. (Boba) Broj Jedan: Moglo se i očekivati. Ima samo jedna stvar koja govori o njegovoj nevinosti: to što ga je uhapsio inspektor Brok. [62] ● ● ● (Bob u zatvoru, posle posete njegove braće) Bob: Nadzorniče, ako ponovo dođu, recite im da nisam kod kuće, odnosno u ćeliji! Nadzornik: Da, ovdje svi imaju izlaz kad požele, naravno. [62] ● ● ●

Broj Jedan: Budući da nemate dokaza, morat ćete ga pustiti.

Brok: Ali, Visosti... Plašt, šešir, stas, opis – sve se slaže!

Broj Jedan: Koliko gluposti u jednoj jedinoj rečenici, inspektore Brok. Takav plašt imaju mnogi, a niskog su rasta tisuće. Ali glup kao slon može biti samo jedan jedini.

Brok: Tako? A tko je to? [62]

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(priče Broja Jedan)

Vergilije: Rekao si da si čitao moje ode. I što si naučio?

Broj Jedan: Ono što se i moglo naučiti – ništa! [62]

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(priče Broja Jedan)

Broj Jedan: Pet milijuna sestercija! Milijun unapred, ostatak nakon isporuke robe!

Rimski car Avgust: Tri milijuna je dovoljno! Misliš li da posjedujem izvore nafte? [62]

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- Mičite se! To je naš novac! - Pošteno smo ga ukrali! [62] IZ BORČE ZA NOLETA Ćao druže (nadam se da će ovo čitati Nole). Šta ima? Mi iskreno i nismo ludi za tenisom, ni ne znam gde je Vimbldon, ali te gotivimo jer si naš, Srbenda i nikad ne propuštamo priliku da dok igraš finale zalijemo! Da pređemo na stvar. Mi smo Borčanici, verovatno si čuo za tu grupaciju. Ti ne možeš da zamisliš našu sreću kada su se u Borči otvorili teniski tereni. Najzad smo mogli da se oprobamo u ovom gospodskom sportu. Ali... mi nemamo pare za rekete, a ni za termina, a ni za patike za tenis, a ni za ostalu opremu. A i onaj ko vozi na tenis obavezno traži 300 dinara za gorivo. Odakle, brate moj rođeni? Da skratimo priču… Mi se ne javljamo zbog novca. Želja nam je da te ugostimo na našem krugu u Borči. Kapiramo da su Monte Karlo, Ibica, Melburn, Alpi i Stounhendž kul mesta, ali... ti dok ne dođeš u Borču, ništa nisi uradio makar osvojio još 100 tih vaših Vimbldona. Kad budeš dolazio, ti se samo najavi. Ako dolaziš sa Trga, tu hvataj 96 (ide pravo do Borče) ili 43 pa siđeš kod BIP-a i onda

čekaš 95 ili 96, a ako si blizu Banije onda ideš na 95, isto to važi i ako si kod buvljaka. Samo pičiš do zadnje. Ako ne znaš – pitaj vozača. Došli bi po tebe, ali ovaj traži opet 300 dinara za gorivo. Čim izađeš, pravo ispred tebe biće STR "Dule". Ti uzmi pivo i vinjak (semenke ako si pri parama), a mi ćemo ti dati pare jer nam Mile ne daje pivo zato što mu dugujemo 36 flaša.

Nadamo se da ćemo dobiti tvoj odgovor. Unapred zahvalni.

PS: Ponesi neki reket (4 komada). Puno da mi pozdraviš Nalbandijana. Ako može da dođe i on, da bi mogli da igramo kocke 3 ekipe u dvojica, u trte!

Srdačno, Borčanci.

LOCIRAJTE SE

¤ Vi mora da ste iz Toronta ako… (CND, poglavlje XCVI)

5056. Snow, however, has no effect on your daily routine and proceed with your day as if it were a regular sunny day 5057. Going to IKEA means a 20 minute drive, not a trip to a different city 5058. You hope you are the one to spot the vehicle which is the subject of the latest "Amber Alert" which has been flashing on the DOT message board on the 401 and Gardiner 5059. You've been in traffic on the 401, Gardiner, 400 or 404 (choose one) - wondering if your fuel, your cell-phone battery and your bladder will make it to the next exit, just 1 km ahead 5060. You've woken up at 4:30am on workdays to beat the traffic to work, intending to leave work before 3pm to compensate 5061. You know you're not allergic to smog or pollution, because if you were – you'd be dead already

5062. You dont care for "BestBuy" or "Futureshop" because you always do your electronics shopping at the "Pacific mall" (thank the Lord for the Asian community!)
5063. You love only 2 radio stations: AM 680 for its traffic reports every 10 mins and FLOW 935 for its beats
5064. You actually like the new airconditioned "Viva" buses
5065. You marvel at the fact that people from 160 odd countries around the world can actually live together (with the odd 10 people being shot everyday)
5066. You walk in the back doors of the VIVA buses just to avoid paying and you also know you wont get caught cuz the driver never checks the ticket like they say they're supposed to…
5067. You own a "I survived SARS" t-shirt.
5068. You speak better Chinese than French
5069. You understand English in 80-some different accents
5070. You're on the TTC bus/subway/streetcar and more than half the people are not speaking English
5071. You wear sneakers on khakis to work
5072. When the 8:00am rush hour starts from 5:30am to 10:30am and the Friday rush hour starts around Thursday afternoon ending around 1:00am Saturday morning
5073. When the phrase "Taste of Danforth" makes sense to you

¤ Vi mora da ste iz Urugvaja ako… (UR, poglavlje XCVII)

5074. You're tired of explaining where exactly Uruguay is. As in, "No, it's no where near Mexico, gringo".

5075. Dinner means a gigantic platter of steak. 5076. The word "Peñarol" means something to you. 5077. You eat chimichurri and no one else knows what that is. 5078. You get mad when someone tells you all excitedly that they know someone from Paraguay. 5079. You overhear either Argentinians or Uruguayans speaking Spanish and you have to stop and ask them where they're from. 5080. The invitation says the party starts at 7, but you wind up leaving your house to drive to the party after 7. 5081. You need an interpreter to understand the "Spanish" other Hispanic people are speaking.

5082. You wonder why the capital was named for the Portuguese meaning "I see a mountain" and there are no mountains.
5083. You call steak "churrasco".
5084. People ask if you're European because you "don't look Hispanic".
5085. There's someone in your family who will have blue eyes no matter what. Both parents could have black eyes, but somehow your eyes come out blue.
5086. You can literally cook an entire cow in the big fire hole you have in your backyard.
5087. You know you taught the world how to play soccer and can't stand when Brazil gets the credit for it!
5088. Dessert means dulce de leche.
5089. El termo y el mate are part of your anatomy because you never go anywhere without them.
5090. The dinner bell rings at 9:30/10:00 pm, and not at 5:30/6:00.
5091. You say "ta" or "che" every 5 words.
5092. "Salado" doesn't mean "salty" to you.

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