EN450 - Nedelja, 4. XI 2012.

U ovom broju donosimo: 2. Ma�ioni�arski trikovi (4/8)             Zadivite va�e prijatelje jednostavnim trikovima! 2. Gun safety tips                   10 saveta za bezbedno rukovanje oru�jem 3. Znaci za zbunjivanje             Monta�a "Indeksovog radio pozori�ta" iz 90-tih 4. Alan Ford             Odabrani dijalozi i odvale 6. Titanik             Kako se u stvari zavr�io film "Titanik" 7. "To do" list                        Sitnije manguparije ako vam je BA� dosadno 8. Locirajte se!                       Vi mora da ste iz… ako je ve�ina ovih tvrdnji ta�na (�kotska; 5391-5409)

Urednicima ostalih �asopisa: Budite fer i ostavite link za ovaj �asopis kad ve� uzimate materijal odavde! Pa�nja! Stavite mi�a iznad ѕlike da bi dobili prevod ili obja�njenje istih!

MA�IONI�ARSKI TRIKOVI

Transliteracija:

Izvedite na scenu pomo�nika, najbolje nekog brkajliju i ne�no mu iz jednog brka i��upajte jednu dlaku.

Zatim toj istoj osobi zavu�ete tu dlaku u uvo.

Kad dlaka, prirodno, izi�e kroz drugo uvo, uhvatite njen drugi kraj.

Zatim rukama izvodite pokrete levo-desno. Na zaprepa��enje publike, o�i va�eg pomo�nika kreta�e se, vu�ene dlakom, levo-desno.

 

Obja�njenje: Shvatili ste da je ovo nemogu�e. U stvari, vi ste se sa svojim pomo�nikom unapred dogovorili da on s�m (a ne dlaka) pokre�e o�i.

 ("Politikin zabavnik" № 983-1970)

GUN SAFETY TIPS

10. Always keep your gun pointed in a safe direction, such as at a hippy or a communist.

9. Dumb children may get a hold of your guns and shoot each other. If your children are dumb, put them up for adoption to protect your guns.

8. No matter how responsible he seems, never give your gun to a monkey

7. If guns make you nervous, drink a bottle of whiskey before heading to the range.

6. When unholstering your weapon, it's customary to say "Excuse me while I whip this out".

5. Don't load your gun unless you are ready to shoot something or are just feeling generally angry.

4. If your gun misfires, never look down the barrel to inspect it. Have someone else do that for you.

3. Never use your gun to pistol whip someone. That could mar the finish.

2. No matter how excited you are about buying your first gun, don't run around yelling "I have a gun! I have a gun!"

1. And the most important rule of gun safety: don't piss me off!

ZNACI ZA ZBUNjIVANjE

 

            Po�to su slova malo mutnija zbog �irine strane (slika se skupila), dajemo vam i transliteraciju ako ne mo�ete da pro�itate:

 

Znaci za zbunjivanje			Postupci gra�ana
----------------  ----------------  ---------------- +----------------+      35 godina	Prestanak opasnosti Emitovao se jednoli�nim tonom u trajanju od 35 godina. Zbog velikog uspeha reprizirao se jedanput godi�nje u 15:10 �asova.		1. Radite kao da �e 100 godina biti kredita, a sprem'te se, sprem'te kao da �e sutra biti rat; 2. U slu�aju rata be�ite avionima JAT-a
-----~~~~~-----  -----~~~~~-----  -----~~~~~----- +----|----|-----+   20   20   20	Opasnost od (Had�i) Struje Emituje se naizmeni�nim i jednosmernim tonom i traje li traje	1. Isklju�iti Struju i sve strujne aparat�ike; 2. Otvoriti prozore i o�i i u�i i napraviti promaju; 3. Mirno i bez panike po�i do najbli�eg kioska i uzeti ne�to za smirenje
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +---------------+     60 minuta	Opasnost od ispiranja mozga sa pretpranjem i centrifugiranjem Emituje se zavijaju�im tonom od 19:30, pa dokle treba. A treba.	1. Ukoliko vas pomra�enje Sunca zadesi na otvorenom prostoru – tu pomo�i nema. 2. U slu�aju primetnih znakova kontaminacije optimizmom, uputiti se do najbli�eg psihijatra po savet, a u te�im slu�ajevima do najbli�e pumpe po benzin.
~~~~  ~~~~  ~~~~  ~~~~  ~~~~  ~~~~  ~~~~  ~~~~  ~~~~ +---|--|--|--|---+   20 15 20 15 20	Opasnost od rata, sankcija, inflacije i gubljenja teritorija Emituje se ve� 10 godina zavijaju�im tonom sa prekidima i pregovorima	1. Struju ne treba isklju�ivati jer je nema 2. Dekontaminaciju obaviti posipanjem pepelom, jer nema ni sapuna 3. Pre napu�tanja ku�e poneti paso� 4. Mirno i dostojanstveno uputiti se u najbli�u neprijateljsku susednu zemlju
----  ----  ----  ----  ----  ----  ----  ----  ---- +---|--|--|--|---+   20 15 20 15 20	Opasnost od ki�a Emituje se tupim tonom sa, na�alost, kra�im prekidima	1. Kul i dostojanstveno u�lanite se u biblioteku i pro�itajte sve o marksizmu 2. Staviti za�titnu masku (vidi sliku) u za�titni polo�aj

 

Najbolji ovogodi�nji kostim za Samhain (naravno, otac klinca je unutra)

ALAN FORD

- Mi smo diplomirani glazbenici.

- Na na�im diplomama nalazi se potpis Georgea Washingtona.

- Supotpisani je Benjamin Franklin.

- I Muhamed Ali. [99]

            ● ● ●

- Gledajte partiture, glupani! Svaka nota ne�to zna�i, idioti! Nije svejedno je li ona gore ili dolje, blesani! Je li crna ili bijela, kreteni!

- To uop�e nismo u�ili. [99]

            ● ● ●

Broj Jedan: Stojimo ovdje dva sata i o�ekujemo neke suvisle melodije, ali ni�ta ne �ujemo. Ili je to glazba za gluhe? [99]

            ● ● ●

Tobia: A kraj? �ini se da dolazi prije po�etka. [99]             ● ● ● Umjesto orkestra nastupa�e samo glasovir! Ja sam pravi as, igrao sam na klaviru lijevo krilo. Zvali su me Pele Rubinstein! [99]             ● ● ● Natpis na cve�arnici: "Zatvoreno zbog sna" [100]             ● ● ● Kom�ija baca drugom kom�iji ma�ku kroz prozor. - �toooooo? Koristite bakteriolo�ko oru�je? [100]             ● ● ● Kom�ija �to �ivi pored cve�arnice: Nebesa, provalnik! Sigurno mi ho�e ukrasti radio koji sam platio na 7300 mesje�nih otplata! [100]

            ● ● ●

Grunf: Motor je na svom mjestu, ali s paljenjem uvijek problemi. Poku�at �u s ovim svije�icama �to sam ih kupio prije 12 godina na skladi�tu eksploziva. [100]

            ● ● ●

Deda Broja Jedan: Unu�e moj najdra�i! Ba� mi je drago �to te vidim! Koliko stolje�a nismo bili zajedno?

Broj Jedan: Pa, �ini mi se da smo se posljednji put vidjeli za vrijeme Tre�ega Punskog rata. Ili je to bio drugi? [100]

(Drugi Punski rat: 218-201. pne; Tre�i Punski rat: 149-146. pne)

            ● ● ●

Alan: Uvijek sam patio od straha pred zatvorenim prostorom.

Bob: A ja od straha pred strahom. [100]

            ● ● ●

Jeremija: O, da, da! Odmah se osje�am bolje!

�ef: I ima� svoju uobi�ajenu sivo-zelenu boju. [100]

TITANIK

 "TO DO" LIST

● Wear shirt that says "Life". Hand out lemons on street corner.

● Hire two private investigators. Get them to follow each other.

● Major in philosophy. Ask people why they would like fries with that.

● Go into a crowded elevator and say: "I bet you're all wondering why I gathered you here", with a straight face.

● Make vanilla pudding. Put in mayonaise jar. Eat in public.

● Become a teacher. Make a test where every answer is "C". Ejoy the show. ● Wait until someone is about to sneeze. Right before they do, loudly scream "Pika pika!" ● Run into a store, ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell: "It worked!!!" and run out cheering. ● Buy a horse. Name it "Oscar takes the lead", and enter it in horse races. ● Invite someone into your office, turn around in office chair and say: "I've been expecting you…" ● Change name to Simon. Speak in third person. ● Become a doctor. Change last name to Acula. ● Buy a parrot. Teach the parrot to say: "Help! I've been turned into a parrot!" ● Follow joggers around in a car blasting "Eye of the tiger" for encouragement.

LOCIRAJTE SE

�        Vi mora da ste iz �kotske ako… (UK/SCO, poglavlje CIII)

5391. Even if you not a huge fan of the "Proclaimers", "Runrig", "Caledonia", "Deacon Blue", "Big Country" etc. you still love it when you're in a club abroad and they play something Scottish. (you'll probably even ask the DJ to play it…)
5392. You feel bad if you're not outside on a sunny day.
5393. You know when your friend, colleague etc says "fancy a pint?". It's never just the one pint, more like at least 4 or 5.
5394. You feel special if you can speak another language in addition to English.
5395. You are shocked to discover that you can't drink tap water abroad and must buy bottled water. Also you find water in England, Denmark etc just doesn't taste anywhere near as nice as Scottish water.
5396. You used to get up really early on a Saturday/Sunday to watch cartoons when you were a kid. You watched Glen Michael's "Cartoon Cavalcade" on a Sunday afternoon with his sidekick oil lamp called Paladin. You remember Glen giving Paladin a good hard stroke!

5397. You can quite happily spend a whole day in the pub! 5398. A full English Breakfast is transformed into a Scottish Breakfast by adding Stornoway black pudding, potato scones, rashers of fried Ayrshire bacon, fried haggis, dod of fried mushrooms/fried tomatoes, square sausage and baked beans (just to prove not everything we eat is fried!). 5399. You say sorry to someone who has bumped into you even though it was them. The other person should say sorry at exactly the same time as you say it. Note: This scenario changes if they made you spill your pint in a pub as a consequence of the bump. (see #5400) 5400. You have participated in or witnessed people having a "square go". 5401. You will wait and hold the door for someone 100 metres behind you in case you cause offence. 5402. You roll your R's like the Spanish, you say "grrreen" or a la Tommy Sheridan - Utter Garrrbage.

5403. You attempt to use your legal tender Scottish Pound notes in England and then have to argue for 5 minutes to make them accept it or just walk out of a shop in disgust.
5404. You are in the USA and are constantly told: "I love your accent, it's so… sexy!"
5405. You are in the USA and are asked: "Say buddy, where in Ireland are you from?"
5406. There are no lakes, only lochs. (well… apart from Lake of Menteith)
5407. Castles are no big deal and you are oddly fascinated by how excited tourists get talking about them.
5408. You were given an Oor Wullie or Broons Annual at Christmas.
5409. You have come in from the pub pissed with flatmates and watched an episode of "Weirs Way" engrossed by a little guy with a bobbly hat walking around Scotland.

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