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Nedelja, 27. I 7532.

U ovom broju donosimo: 2. Fejs-bruk! Smejurije sa Fejsbuka 4. Ove nedelje u bioskopu "Ode on" Drugi deo filma "Titanik" 5. Mućke Odabrani dijalozi iz kultne serije 7. Locirajte se! Vi mora da ste iz… ako je veďż˝ina ovih tvrdnji taďż˝na (ďż˝kotska; 5566-5584)

Sačuvajte ovaj broj! Možete od njega da napravite: molersku kapu, brodić, avion koji leti… Urednicima ostalih časopisa: Budite fer i ostavite link za ovaj časopis kad već uzimate materijal odavde!

FEJS-BRUK!

Pošto se svakog dana gomilaju svakakve odvale na "Facebook-u", na sajtu http://failbook.com/ su počele da se pojavljuju slike sa istim. Predstavljamo vam najbolje odvale, a njih ima jako puno pa  je lakše da ih postavimo u tekstualnom obliku. Imena i slike profila su tamo zamaskirane, pa ćemo učesnike u komentarima predstavljati brojevima: (1), (2), (3) itd. Napomene će biti crvenom bojom.

[ FB ] Status: Relationship starts with trust. (2): No, it doesn't. It starts with R. (1): And what is that? [ FB ] Eric Idle: Lance Armstrong stripped of seven titles for taking drugs. Imagine if that applied to the "Grammys", how many would be left? [ Twitter ] Status: What the hell is "Minecraft"? (2): Hitler's lesser known second book about his love of knitting. [ FB ] Status: I think Washington only passed the marijuana and same sex laws so that people wouldn't think of it as the state "Twilight" happened in...

[ FB ]

Status: Behind every dark cloud is a clear sky!

(2): And behind that clear sky is a never ending darkness.

[ Twitter ]

Mančmelou se jede tako što se prvo skine čokoladni preliv, zatim belo punjenje i na kraju keks. SVAKI DRUGI NAČIN JE BOLESTAN! (Dopisnik iz Srema; @pera_vampir:)

[ FB ]

Status: My first instinct when I see an animal is to say hello... My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact and hope it goes away.

[ FB ]

Chat:

(1): Prodaš stranicu?

Pokojna Mileva: Mačko, razgovaraćemo kad svratiš do mene. Ako me razumeš...

(1): Gde kod tebe?

Pokojna Mileva: Pa, kad stigneš ovde kod mene, mačko. Ja sam u istom ulazu sa Sadamom, vrata do Petra Kralja. Samo pazi da ga ne pomešaš sa kraljem Petrom, on je na drugom spratu, a mi smo na trećem. Ma, samo pitaj Silvanu u prizemlju - ona će znati.

[ SMS ]

Status: Na svadbi sam sad. Smor.

(2): Ko se ženi?

(1): Otkud znam. Došao sam da jedem. Ahahahaha

[ FB ]

Status: I have such a sleeping problem. Slept through 3 different alarms today.

(2): You have a waking problem. Your sleeping would appear to be fine.

[ FB ]

Status: OMG! Soooo I don't like dolphins anymore!!! Squirrels are my new favourite reptile! Sooooo cuteeeee!

(2): Neither a dolphin nor a squirrel is a reptile. [ FB ] Status: A week of being a vegan = success! I am celebrating by having meatballs and spaghetti for dinner. :-) [ FB ] Status: Just overheard a US tourist complain how Australian winter is way too hot and she is glad she isn't here in July... [ Twitter ] Sva ta mitska bića današnjice: jednorozi, Anonymusi, vampiri, vukodlaci, plata... (@ZdenkoVoloder:) [ SMS ]

True story:

As I dropped off a friend at LAX I was informed Ashley Greene from "Twilight" was right in front of me. This is how our conversation went down... in front of a crowd of people.

Me: Hey, I loved you in "Harry Potter"!

AG: I wasn't in "Harry Potter"...

Me: "Hunger games"?

AG: No... I was in "Twilight"...

Me: Oh... Never hear of it.

(Me - 1; AG - 0)

[ FB ]

Status: I met my sole mate tonight...

(2): Soul*

(3): You two have the same shoe size?

(1): No, sole 'cause he's the only one for me... Duh. So dumb.

(3): Sole also refers to a marine fish as well as the bottom of your foot... Take your pick.

(1): Sole, adjective, one and only. I don't have a soul, silly.

[ Twitter ]

Tom Anderson: (bivši vlasnik "MySpace-a")

People keep asking, so I'll say it: fear over "Instagram's" terms change is ridiculous... Get real, folks!

P*** T***:

... says the guy that was not able to keep a social network alive.

Tom Anderson: ... says the guy who sold "MySpace" in 2005. for $580 milion while you slave away hoping for a half-day of. [ Twitter ] If the Mayans taught us anything, it's that if you don't finish something - it's not the end of the world. [ FB ] Status: All I want for Christmas is happiness... Wrapped in candy canes. (2): Alcohol filed candy canes is a great idea! [ FB ] Status: My mom asked me if I can put something more "Christmassy" on TV. So I put "Fifa 13" and played in snowy conditions. [ FB ] Status: I'm bored. Any girls wanna hand out? (2): Sure. What you wanna do? (1): Not you, grandma. [ FB ] Status: There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy... her heart. ♥ (2): Or your feet. You always go crazy when I do that. (boyfriend) [ FB ] Status (21. decembra): Before we all die, there's something I have to confess... I let the dogs out. [ FB ] Status: Where did this snow come from? o_O - Well, there was a Daddy flake and a Mummy flake...

- The terrible vengeance of the Ice Giants upon us trembling mortals!

- Tiny ice aliens from Neptune launching an invasion.

- Bloody Ice King is crying again...

[ FB ]

Status: The last 60 winners of the Miss Universe pageant have been from Earth. I dunno man, seems fixed.

[ FB ] Status: I just ate a ton of food. I'm more stuffed than the bra's at a "One direction" concert. [ FB ] Status: Why are ALL guys such assholes? (2): No one told you to try them all. [ FB ] Status: Just heard the most epic stupidity ever! A friend was working in "Gregg's" and one of the local employees said: "Wolves don't exist. They are only in 'Twilight'" [ FB ] Status: So I think the bank teller was flirting with me. Good day after all. (2): And did you get her phone number? (1): Nah. Hard to flirt with a girl that knows you're flat broke. Lol

MUĆKE

● C4 Yesterday never comes

Deda (za kredenac): Ne deluje mi toliko staro!

Del: Kad si ti bio momak ovo je verovatno bio samo nacrt! Za svakoga ko je ro—en nakon Napoleonovih ratova, ovo je antikvitet.

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Del: Staviću oglas u novine, ali ne znam koju cenu da stavim. Šta kažete na 95?

Deda: Zašto ne zaokružiš i ne tražiš celu funtu?

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Del: Ovo čudo je preživelo špansku armadu, crnu smrt i blickrig. Onda vas dvojica tupadžija dođete, i za 5 minuta uništite komad nacionalnog nasleđa.

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Miranda: Zvala sam ranije. U vezi vašeg oglasa o radnom stolu Kraljice Ane. Ostavila sam poruku jednom starijem čoveku. Nije zvučao baš pouzdano.

Del: Da, on je retko pouzdan. Vidite, pretrpeo je udarac u glavu.

Miranda: Kad se to desilo?

Del: Uskoro.

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Rodni: Ne umeš da govoriš francuski. Još se patiš i sa engleskim.

Del: Šta je to sa tobom? Svidela ti se bolnička hrana?

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Del: Imala je malo problema sa piletinom. Bila je malo gumena. Žvakala je jedan zalogaj pola sata. Mislio sam da će početi da duva balone.

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Miranda: Zaista si mislio da sam uživala u društvu čoveka koji me je lupio po zadnjici, zvao me "dušo" i napao moj digestivni sistem sa trećerazrednim karijem?

● ● ● Del: Zna da znam mnogo o antikvitetima. Rodni: Oh, da, da. Pa, izlazio si sa većinom. ● ● ● Miranda: Šta je to? Del: Zove se Tekila sanset. Miranda: Liči na džin! Del: Da… Nestalo mi je tekile. ● ● ● Miranda: Tvoja baka mora da je imala ukusa. Del: Ne baš, udala se za mog dedu. ● C6 Wanted Del: Toliko su ružne, da čak i liče! Rodni: Del, to su slučajno dve sestre. Del: Oh, sestre! Oj, devojke, jeste li videli skoro Pepeljugu od venčanja? ● ● ●

Triger: Jednom je optužila mog rođaka.

Del: Koga? Mladog Sidnija?

Triger: Ne - Marlin. Mada, Marlin je oduvek bila muškarača.

Bojsi: Oh, da imala je kratku kosu, proteze i lulu poslednji put kad sam je video.

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Bojsi: Naravno, čuo sam da prima elektro-šokove, znaš. Svaka tri meseca, odvedu je i priključe joj glavu na državnu mrežu. Svetla su se videla sve do Vatforda!

Triger: Kažu da je bila duševno zdrava kada su završili.

Bojsi: Dok nije dobila račun za struju!

● C7 Who's a pretty boy

Šankerka: Znaš onaj kaput koji si prodao mome ocu? Ima veliku grbu na leđima.

Del: To je original kamilja dlaka, zar ne?

● ● ● Denzil (o Rodniju): Da nije toliko beo, zakleo bih se da je crn! Del: Da, beo je, zar ne? Denzil: Najbelji čovek kojeg sam video! Rodni: Nisam baš toliko beo! Del: Jesi! Pored tebe albino izgleda bronzano! Rodni: Ne mislim da sam toliko beo! Del: Jesi. Izgledaš kao prokleti donator krvi koji ne zna da kaže "dosta"! (kasnije je rekao da liči na anemičnog duha) ● ● ● Korin: Ako hoćeš da oni urade dekoraciju, neka ti! Ali obećavam ti ovo, Denzile: ako nešto pođe naopako, zaželećeš da je tvoja mama imala glavobolju one večeri kad si začet! ● ● ● Rodni (o kanarincu): Del, ako je ovaj drugačiji, odmah će provaliti. Del: Deda, idi do veterinara i uzmi njegov zubni karton! ● C9 Licenced to drill (unpublished)

Del: Vidiš šta mislim, deda. Ljudi u ovoj zemlji pojma nemaju o naftnoj industriji Severnog mora. Mislim, odakle sva ta nafta dolazi?

Deka: Iz benzinske pumpe.

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Del: U redu. Nafta nastaje od fermentisanih praistorijskih biljaka i raspadnutih fosila. Vidiš, ako staviš paprat u dedin gornji džep, za deset miliona godina od sad on bi mogao da pokreće Morris Marinu!

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Deka (poslužuje klopu): Evo tvoje večere, Del Boj... Rodni, tvoj doručak.

.

LOCIRAJTE SE

● Vi mora da ste iz Škotske ako… (UK/SCO poglavlje CIII)

5566. You have seen someone hock a loogie walking down the street without flinching (like it was the most normal action in the world!). 5567. There are no barristers, only advocates. Judges are called Sheriffs. 5568. You nearly always walk past someone on the left. 5569. You get pissed off when cricket is on TV and change channel immediatley. You really couldn't give a shit whether England just beat India in the latest one-day cricket international. 5570. You say "How" instead of "Why". E.g. "How's that then?" or "How no?" 5571. You use the word "the" even when you don't need to. "When I went to the High school". 5572. You know how dodgy a place is by the number of tanning salons and betting shops it has. 5573. You have tried to kick one of those dirty pigeons that infest your civic square. 5574. Tourists have seen more of Scotland than you have. 5575. You walk on pavements covered in "chuggy".

5576. You don't beep your car horn just for the hell of it like the Italians or Spaniards. Someone really has to cut you up for you to reach for the car horn!
5577. You understate things all the time. E.g. the Scottish lotto winner who won 35 million; "I've won a wee bit of money". If a Scottish guy was asked his opinion of, say, Jennifer Lopez he'd probably say: "Aye she's naw bad like, wee bit of a looker".
5578. Your granny or great auntie or some other elderly family member has knitted you a horrendous wooly jumper, and no matter how itchy it is, you are made to wear it because "your granny knitted you that, you should be grateful!"
5579. You get a jag from a doctor not a jab!
5580. A football match wouldn't feel right if you didn't have a Scotch pie and Bovril at half-time.
5581. You know a Scottish male can have a telephone conversation using only the words "Awright", "Aye" and "Naw".
5582. You have strange names for body parts. Bum - Bahookie, Face - Coupon/Puss, Armpit - Oxter etc.
5583. If you don't know someone's name, you refer to them as Jimmy. "Here Jimmy, do you know when the next train is coming?" (Mainly Glaswegians).
5584. Any above average size guy is called "big yin" while any young guy is referred to as "wee man".

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