Nedelja, 9. III 2014.

U ovom broju donosimo: 2. Fejs-bruk! Smejurije sa Fejsbuka 2. Reč uredništva Čestitka 3. Kviz: I oni su bili klinci! Pogodite poznatu ličnost 4. Špigl - dvojnici poznatih Foto-feljton: dvojnici poznatih ličnosti 6. Kiza i Komina Odabrani skečevi iz serije (3/10)

Sačuvajte ovaj broj! Možete od njega da napravite: molersku kapu, brodić, avion koji leti… Urednicima ostalih časopisa: Budite fer i ostavite link za ovaj časopis kad već uzimate materijal odavde!

FEJS-BRUK!

ošto se svakog dana gomilaju svakakve odvale na "Facebook-u", na sajtu http://failbook.com/ su  počele da se pojavljuju slike sa istim. Predstavljamo vam najbolje odvale, a njih ima jako puno pa  je lakše da ih postavimo u tekstualnom obliku. Imena i slike profila su tamo zamaskirane, pa ćemo učesnike u komentarima predstavljati brojevima: [1], [2], [3] itd. Napomene će biti crvenom bojom.

[ SMS ] - I'm watching a movie about America's first serial killer - Christopher Columbus? [ FB ] Status: I need a job and a boyfriend [2]: Prostitution is a good halfway point. [ FB ] Status: A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.

Svim našim čitateljkama čestitamo Dan žena! Vaša redakcija

[2]: It's the female ones that suck blood... So, I guess that's the most female contact you've had in a while?

[ FB ]

Status: If you ever fall again, I'll be there to catch you. Sincerely, Floor. [ FB ] Status: I wake up every morning and piss excellence [2]: I piss awesomeness [3]: I just piss people off [ FB ] Status: If anyone opens a gift from me with a set of car keys in it... thanks for finding my car keys and I'm sorry, but I didn't buy you a car. [ FB ] Status: Wealth is not measured by your bank account but by the love others have for you in their hearts.

[2]: Well, if that's the case... I'm still a broke.

[ FB ] Status: Facebook just pulled an Obama and started accepting gay ads... [2]: I think the ads are based on your internet browsing patterns [ FB ] Status: He isn't my boyfriend, but I love his hugs, his smile, his advice, his love, his kindness and the times we laugh together. I guess I fell in love with our friendship. [2]: Whoever this dude is, he has hit the maximum level of friend zone, broke through the roof and kept going into space. [ FB ] Status: If you have Twitter, hit me up! (adresa) [2]: I don't have Twitter, but I'd still love to assault you. [ FB ] Status: My brother took being sent to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls. After that we never played "Monopoly" again. [ FB ] Status: Nothing is out of reach unless you aren't willing to stretch! [2]: I stretch every morning to turn off alarm clock and throw it across the room.

KVIZ: I ONI SU BILI KLINCI! Ovo je slika jedne poznate ličnosti. Vaš zadatak je da pogodite o kome se radi. Rešenje je na poslednjoj strani.

[ T ]

- Potpuno te podržavam! Plus, niko ne pita kako je to jadno mače sa kojim su udarili tog momka.

- Koje crno mače??? Dečko je povređen mačetom – vrstom oružja...

[ SMS ]

Status: Mom! I got on the wrong train! I don't know how, but I got on the "Eurostar". I'm going to Paris. I'm going to end up in freakin' Disneyland! What do I do? Help me!

[2]: Have a good time

[ FB ] Status: Can't remember the last 2 days... One hell of a party! Odgovori na status: - Thanks for the new headphones! - Thanks for the new iPhone case! - Thanks for the new shoes! - Thanks for the new camera battery! - Thanks for the tank of gas! - Thanks for the replacement copy of "Black Ops"! - Thanks for the Gucci sunglasses! - Thanks for paying my share of the rent! - Thanks for the movie tickets! - Thanks for the parking pass to my building, bro! [1]: What? [2]: Dude, you left your wallet on the table at Abby's party [1]: God damn it!!! [ FB ] Status: I have killed about 8 mosquitos in the past 5 minutes... WTF! Where did they come from???!!! [2]: When a mommy mosquito and a daddy mosquito really love each other... [ FB ] Status: I can't even... just... [2]: Form a complete sentence?

[ FB ]

Status: Today, my mom was telling me a sad story in Spanish. Not understanding Spanish very well I thought she was telling a funny story so I pretended to laugh very hard. She now thinks she dropped me on my head when I was little.

[ FB ] Status: If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after a first date, you know you have small boobs... [2]: Uhh... Your eyes are blue. [1]: They're brown... [ FB ] Status: I fell apart... [2]: Want some glue? [ FB ] Status: My pet rock just died! RIP [2]: My parents lied to me and said he ran away. [ FB ] Status: Because no matter what I do, gravity always pulls me back to you. [2]: So, you're jumping on them?

ŠPIGL – DVOJNICI POZNATIH Silvester Stalone → Espadrila

[ SMS ]

Peter Parker: Hey! Saw Green Goblin was attacking the city. Just wanted to make sure you were okay.

Peter Parker: Still haven't heard from you. You okay? You at home?

Peter Parker: Okay, seriously, where are you? Are you the Goblin? You're never around when he's around.

Harry Osborn: Are you Spiderman? You're never around when he's around.

Peter Parker: I withdraw my question.

[ T ]

Stephen King: Memo to Justin Bieber: For the young celeb, life is a banquet of free food. What they don't tell you is that you are often the last course.

[ FB ]

Status: Hope your birthday is a blest one and the first of many more this year!

[2]: I had to hit "like" because there's no "confused" button

[ FB ]

Status: A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea!

Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block, but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.

I have never driven a taxi before, and I'm not sure where I got it.

[ T ]

Status: Ono kad na "24Kitchen kažu: "I još sastojak koja svaka kuhinja mora da ima" i – izvadi kopito od jednoroga. (autor: @whateva_bro)

[ FB ]

Status: I swear girls can be so ungrateful sometimes! I made her breakfast in bed, and instead of saying "Thank you", she's all like: "How did you get in my house???"

[ T ]

Status: Imam tuš koji ima 3 opcije prskanja. Od toga je jedna za tuširanje ljudi, a ostale dve su za sečenje mermera i razbijanje demonstracija. (autor: @Preduhitrivach)

[ T ]

Status: If you won the lottery, tweet me your name and address. I want to send you a congratulations card (autor: @NotACriminal_)

[ T ]

Status: Bivša već našla novog dečka, a tek 10 godina prošlo. A kao, volela me... I aj' sad ti veruj ženama...

[ FB ]

Status: "One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain" – Bob Marley

[2]: You've obviously never been in a mosh pit. (mosh pit = šutka)

[ T ]

Status: I heard "If you start me up" by "The Rolling Stones" as "In Yugoslavia you'll never starve" #missheardlyrics (autor: @otg2014, snimak)

[ T ]

Status: Mrzim kada roditelji hvale svoju decu. Sreća moja pa dobih genija i ne moram to da radim. (Ognjen Amidžić; @oamidzic)

[ FB ]

Status: Ima fora, gledao sam "uputstvo" kako da preko svog računara ugasite nečiji u komšiluku koji je povezan na istu Wi-Fi mrežu… Ceo dan već gasim ljudima računare, a nemam ni pojma kome gasim. Najjače je to što vi sami birate tekst koji će da ga upozori prilikom gašenja. Svima pišem: "Vaš kompjuter je izjeo sifilis!" Moram početi opet da pijem. Ovo ne valja...

[2]: Spoji mu se na IP adresu pa mu stavi da otvara samo "Redtube" haahaha

[ T ]

Status: Nicki Minaj being a judge on "American idol" is like Taylor Swift giving relationship advice.

KIZA I KOMINA

(prvi deo feljtona i uvodna reč se nalazi u №516) ● Epizoda 3: Obična noć             Mala se nađe u zatvoru sa Kizom i Kominom. U međuvremenu, u stanu svi čekaju da Mala donese hranu iz supermarketa. Kiza i Komina pokušavaju da uvale farmerice Ljupčetu (Neša Leptir) i to u mrklom mraku. Farmerke su dvaput veći broj. Komina: Ovo će da ti pomogne. (pruža mu novine) Ljupče: Šta će mi novine? Komina: Slušaj, batke, da ti kažem nešto. Šta uradiš sa cipelama kad su ti velike? Zgužvaš novine i staviš u cipele. Isto to uradiš i sada, samo što staviš u farmerke.

Ljupče: Neќe kupim! Ne isplati se, bre! Ako kupim pantalone, moram kupim i novinski kiosk!

● ● ●

Komina: Vi'š da je glup!

Kiza: Tačno. Kao gradski autobus i to prepun!

● ● ●

Kiza: Kokane, šta sad da radimo? Kome da uvalimo ove farmerke?

Komina: Uvalićemo ih na buvljaku kao polupansion za dve osobe.

● ● ●

Mala: Jeste vi meni našli skripte? Kiza: Kakve skripte??? Mala: Iz sudske psihologije. Kiza: Nema toga u ovom gradu. Pogledaćemo iduće nedelje u Istambulu. Tamo sigurno ima. Mala: Znaš šta, turske su dobre. One se ne cepaju. Samo što mi je to mnogo kasno. Kiza: Kokane, da te pitam nešto. Za koliko vremena možemo da napišemo nove skripte? Komina: Ako počnemo ovog sekunda... možda završimo juče... ovaj, ujutro ćemo da završimo. Kiza: I pored toga što ima preko 60 stranica? Komina: Pa šta? Kucaćemo na indigo! Kiza: Tačno... Kiza: Dobre su ti ove pantalone. (grize ih) Neprcani pacov dvogodac. ● ● ● U stanu se igraju pantomime. Marks: Je l' igra Bata Živojinović? Genije: Pa, u kom to filmu on ne igra? ● ● ● Cile: Gladan sam! Želudac mi se prilepio za kičmu! ● ● ●

Dijalog Cikota - Mikica

- Gde ćeš?

- Idem na večeru.

- Kakvu večeru?

- Cile, izvodi me dečko na večeru.

- A ja?

- Šta ti?

- Ko će mene da izvede na večeru?

- Ne znam, Cile. Nađi i ti dečka. Ćao!
Cile: Ovo si sad rekla i... Ja da nađem dečka???

Marks: Zovi Bob Geldofa!*

Genije: Ko ti je kriv kad si loša riba.

(* - tih godina je Bob Geldof organizovao niz koncerata za gladne u Africi)

● ● ●

U zatvoru sreću prostitutku Seku (Danica Maksimović) koja se izgrli sa Kizom.

Kiza: Kokane, vi'š kako je odlepila za mnom ko prikolica.

Komina: Šta se čudiš? Znaš da ona nikad nije imala ukusa.

● ● ●

Kiza iz ćelije zove policajca (Mladen Andrejević).

Kiza: Osobljeee! Osobito osobljeee!

● ● ●

Komina: Zašto nisi poljubio Seku kad ti je rekla da joj je rođendan?

Kiza: Nisam imao sitno...

● ● ●

Dok su u stanu zabrinuti gde je Mala, na scenu ulaze Kiza i Komina.

Genije: Da niste videli negde Malu?

Kiza (Komini): Da mu kažem ili da pročita sutra u novinama?

● ● ●

Ciganka (o svom mužu): Ne treba meni da gataš kad ja znam da ću živim duže od njega. Sutra ću da ga ubijem.

● ● ●

Dežurni inspektor u policijskoj stanici: A šta ćemo sa tobom?

Mala: Imam nešto da vas pitam. Je li vam ovo knjiga iz sudske psihologije? Vraćam je za 10 dana. Treba mi za ispit.

● ● ●

Šahovski meč Kiza protiv Komine. - Šta ti je, Komino? Ne mož' da vučeš tri polja sa pionom! - Ti ćeš da mi zabraniš! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - Ne ide se da igraš konjem dijagonalno! - Pa kako onda da igram? - Pa u "G" - Ćirilicom ili latinicom? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - Ne možeš da ideš dijagonalno sa topom - Pa vi'š da mogu! ● ● ● Inspektor Kizi i Komini: - Ajde, tutanj odavde i neću da vas vidim bar 15 dana! - Š'o? Ideš na godišnji odmor? ● ● ●

Cile: Pa, tvoji satovi idu sat vremena unapred!

Ciga: Pa to je na rumunsko vreme!

Cile: Kome da prodam ručni sad koji žuri sat vremena?

Ciga: Pa, Rumunima! (Rumunija je u drugoj vremenskoj zoni)

● ● ●

Superhik: Ako bude zvonio telefon, nemojte da dižete slušalicu. Sigurno je neko pogrešio broj.

Rešenje kviza sa četvrte strane: Kortni Lav (Courtney Love)

=●=