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Terazije, Beograd - Slika sa ovonedeljnog
okupljanja fanova
serije "Igra prestola" ("Game of thrones") povodom nove
sezone. Komentar moje drugarice: "Ni Nightcrawler ne sme da kaže babi
da nije
gladan."
PUTOVANjE U GRČKU
12 stvari koje ne smete nositi u Grčku:1. Somborsku fetu 2. Migrante 3. Daljinac za klima uređaj 4. Pileću i goveđu salatu za picu 5. Makedonski scenario 6. Drahme koje su vam ostale sa letovanja '95-te 7. Recept za domaći dzadziki (da,
tako se ispravno kaže – prim. ured.) 8. Mirka Alvirovića 9. CD sa obradom grčkih pesama 10. Više od 70kg paradajza 11. Šolju u koju sme da se baca toalet papir 12. Česmovaču (sa sajta Njuz) |
OSVETA
JE SLATKA
(nastavak iz prošlog broja)
●
When I was a waitress, if a
middle aged woman was ever rude to me (they almost always were) I'd
happily
offer them the senior discount, 65 and above only. It felt so good to
see their
eyes bulge out of their sockets and their mouths drop open in shock.
(84 points)
● A couple of years ago I was in the gym and I overheard this guy (we'll call him "LT" for Lying Tool) "warning" a girl. He said something to the effect of: "Hey, sorry to bother you. But I just overheard that guy in the red shirt (pointing at my friend who was across the gym) saying some extremely crass stuff about you in the locker room. It was really sexual and graphic, basically talking about ripping off your purple spandex and violating you in front of everyone. I couldn't just listen and not tell you because you deserve to know what certain people are really like."
Listing
to this I was furious. This guy had obviously seen my friend and the
girl
talking in the gym (she approached him) and gotten jealous because he
wanted to
get with her. So he made up this lie to throw him under the bus. I know
it was
a lie because: 1) I was just in the locker room and nothing of the sort
was
said and 2) the dude he was lying about was actually a really nice,
respectful
guy.
So he
finished up his tall tale and before the girl could respond I scoffed
really
loud and said: "She knows you're lying just to try to get in her pants.
That guy would never say those kinds of things about her because she's
his
sister, you moron."
The look
on LT's face was priceless. He went pale and stammered something about
how he
must have gotten the guy mixed up. But the girl (who had caught on and
was
playing along) pointed out how he had been very clear about pointing
her
"brother" out. So LT shifted his story again and said he must have
gotten the girl he was talking about mixed up. So I pointed out that
she was
the only girl wearing purple spandex.
He
actually looked like he was about to cry, and I never saw him in the
gym again
after that.
(75 points)
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When I was a tween and my sister
had big sleepovers, I was allowed to have one person over to keep me
company as
well. I usually asked my cousin over, because she and I were around the
same
age and the only person I was really close with.
Things
usually went pretty smoothly during the day, but come night time, my
sister and
her friends would begin pranking us mercilessly. Everything from
putting our
underwear in the freezer to putting shaving cream on us while we slept
to popping
out of random places and scaring us. One night, we decided we had
enough.
My
sister had been warned earlier about the pranking after my cousin and I
complained about it. We stayed up late, chugging soda to keep us going
until
all the older kids had fallen asleep. Then, we pulled out the markers
and began
drawing all over each others faces. Smears of red and green and purple,
we left
no areas untouched. We even added little marker streaks to our pillows,
to make
it look like somebody's hand had slipped while they were scribbling on
our
faces. Then we went peacefully to sleep and waited for the chaos to
ensue.
Everything
went as planned. Their pranks had been mostly harmless until now, they
certainly never did anything that would stain or last more than a
couple of
hours. My sister and her friends were in deep trouble, and we got off
scot
free.
The
highlight of this story for me is a conversation from the following day
between
my sister and my grandpa:
Sister: But I didn't do anything!
Grandpa: What? So we're supposed
to believe they did this
to themselves?
(54 points)
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I work on a college campus.
It's the season for orientation and parents are herding their kids
around
checking out the school. I misread my schedule (arrived at 14:00
instead of
4:00 pm) and had a few hours to kill. I decided to take a walk around
campus to
look at the changing trees. I soon came upon a family that was clearly
lost. Two
parents and a kid. The dad's got the map out (upside down) and the mom
is asking
anyone who will listen for directions. I decided to help.
I stroll
up and ask where they're headed and am told they're looking for one of
the
libraries. It wouldn't be too far out of my way so I decided to take
them
there. As we're walking I make small talk asking what the kid plans to
study
and whatever. To be helpful, I started pointing things out on the way.
This was
my fatal error.
As we're
walking someone interrupts and says "are you headed to the library?"
I confirmed that we were and allowed them to tag along. I didn't go
full tour
guide and turn around, so as I'm walking I remain facing forward. I
didn't
notice that a few other families started following behind me. We get to
the
library and the first family is happy. I turn to leave and someone says
"how about the political science department?" I check my clock, and
think "what the hell, these people are nice" and off we went. At this
point I have about five families with me. People are asking questions
and
laughing at my jokes and having a good time.
"To
get there it's easiest to take a campus shuttle" I said "I'll walk
you to the bus stop." He was satisfied with that so off we went. We get
to
the bus stop and I tell him that I won't be riding with him because I'm
only a
tour guide for this particular area. Once he gets on the bus he should
wait
three stops, then get off and meet a new tour guide that will be there
waiting.
Instead of saying thanks he grumbles out a "was that so hard?" and
climbs aboard.
Here's
the kicker. Our campus doesn't have its own bus system. I put him on a
city
bus. Three stops would take him to a grocery store a mile or two off
campus.
There definitely wasn't anyone waiting for him there. I like to think
he got
what he deserved for being disrespectful.
(40 points)
●
So a while back I was given a UGA
Bulldogs flag and a flag pole to mount it on my porch. Our Homeowners
association (HOA) restrictions say that sports team flags can only be
flown on
a day in which the team is playing. My intention was to only fly it on
Saturdays when the football team was playing. So I put the flag up on a
Saturday the Dawgs were playing but forgot to take it down until
Monday. On
Friday I get a letter from the HOA stating that I am in violation of
the
restriction and could be fined. Okay, fair enough, they are correct on
this
one. I then noticed that the date of observation was on Wednesday. I
called and
said that couldn't be true because I took it down on Monday. Instead of
admitting her mistake, she lied and said that she had seen it up on
Wednesday.
Now I was mad.
I
printed off a schedule of every sporting event the Bulldogs had in
every sport,
even club sports and then proceeded to fly the flag every single day
there was
any kind of game, match, regatta, etc., which was almost every single
day.
I then
started getting letters stating I was in violation again. I would call
on each
one and explain that the waterpolo team had a match, or the rowing team
had a
regatta on those days. After about a month or two of this back and
forth, they
finally gave up.
(37 points)
●
Roommate was being a d*ck so I rubbed
some grease from the leftover fried chicken on his X-box's power
button. Now,
whenever he's playing, his dog will walk by and sniff the button,
turning it
off mid-game.
(36 points)
●
I had two jobs, one was at this country
ice house in buttf*ck nowhere outside of my city. This place was pretty
small,
but was one of the few bars in a certain area so it would get busy. A
lot off
good ol' boys and oil field guys.
I worked
the door, checked ID-s and such, and usually broke up fights or kick
people
out. The owner of this place was very "hands on". He liked to
micromanage everything. Didn't want me to kick people out unless they
were
throwing punches, and even then to try and talk to them. Never cut
anyone off.
Had that "always be selling" attitude.
One
night some trouble happens between some regulars and one guy tries to
hit
another guy with a pool stick. I happened to get hit in the arm but got
behind
the guy and put him to sleep. Next day the manager calls me to tell me
I'm
being let go. Apparently pool stick guy spends a lot of money and me
putting
him to sleep left him bitter so he called the owner. That's fine.
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Anyways the bar has a nice fancy jukebox. If you
have the app you can just pick songs on your credit card and they'll
play. If you hit play next on a song, even if they turn the jukebox
off, it'll play when it starts back up. It's also unskippable. With the
master remote you could skip a song but they lost that remote so they
really can't do much if someone plays a certain song they don't like,
and even if they unplug it, it'll play no matter what when they turn it
on.
Here's my petty revenge: The owner does inventory
every tuesday night. It also happens to be a busy night because they do
pool tournaments and it usually gets packed. So here I thought, I
could probably just
play the same song over and over and there's nothing they can really
do. I got
twenty bucks in credits and that usually gives you about 18 unskippable
songs.
Plus more |
depending if the app gifts you credits. I picked a remix of
Cotton
Eye Joe, that comes in at around 7 minutes a pop. Usually when the pool
tournament started. Two hours of hearing the same song has killed their
business on tuesdays. Even if they unplug it, it'll still play when
they
plugged it back up.
I've
been doing it for two months so far, last I heard they had to buy a new
jukebox
at a cost 5,000$. I'll probably stop for a month then start again. I'm
an
asshole I guess...
(36 points)
●
I take the train to work each morning
and then again to get home. I like to sit in the quiet car because it
allows me
to think and do a little extra work each day. On the train ride home
today a
woman in front of me kept talking on the phone even after people nicely
asked her
to be quiet. The conductor also came through and informed her she was
on a
quiet car.
The
seats we are in have very little support so someone behind you could
push your
seat and you'd feel it. Several riders decided it wasn't worth it and
switched
cars. I decided I had enough and slouched far enough so both of my
knees were
firmly in the back of her seat pushing fairly hard. She cocked her head
around
and told me to put my knees down. I closed my eyes and fake slept.
She got
up and moved to a different seat. There was a person behind her and
guess what
he did? Knees to the back of the chair. People started catching on and
she
chose a seat with no one behind her. Another rider changed seats behind
her and
she got some more knees.
The
conductor came through again and was unaware of our little revenge. She
got up
and told him that people were putting knees into her back and stalking
her to
each spot. The conductor put his index finger to his lips and said
"Shhhh,
this is a quiet car."
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She moved to a new train car. (32
points) ●
Personally, back when I was at high school this girl
caused me quite a lot of trouble throughout the years there by
spreading rumours and causing my friends to turn against me.
Fortunately I was put in charge of designing the
yearbook for our final year. I ended up cropping her out of pictures,
sometimes subtle, sometimes obvious (like leave her leg showing but
another picture on top). On other pictures where I couldn't easily crop
her out, I just blurred out her face. It was very subtle and I was
worried someone would notice before it went to print, but it managed to
slip through and end up in the final book, which I have around here
somewhere.
Needless to say, the day I walked out of school when
everyone got their final grades and yearbooks was a great day for me. (25 points) ● To be clear I am a male (sorry to ruin any dreams). |
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Basically,
I haven't had the greatest landlord and have gotten screwed over a few
times by
him but never really did anything about it.
So now I
am moving out in the next few months, and he has been showing my place
to
potential new tenants and the rate of showings is getting rather
annoying. So
this evening I thought it would be a good time to send a clear message
that I
have had enough of the showings.
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I was given the standard notice of when they were
going to be coming by, but I wasn't going to let that interrupt my
"schedule". So when the landlord opened the door to show the
prospective tenants in, the first thing the see is me doing the
side-plank pose naked as the day I was born. The look of horror on the
lady's face when she saw me was priceless. Long story short, to say the
only thing that was shown was my naked glory, and a very bewildered
landlord. I am still waiting for his response to my interpretation of a
"showing" (22 points) ● I was staying in an older hotel in San Francisco. The elevator was very small, very old school and had signage everywhere about how |
you couldn't operate it with more than 4 people.
I'd also
been stuck in there twice already that weekend (the elevator would stop
between
floors). Each time, I called the front desk and they were able to
recall it to
the ground floor but I'd learned to be wary.
I should
have started taking the stairs, but was on the 8th floor and was
feeling lazy.
So on Sunday morning I waited for the elevator for quite a while (it
was pretty
slow). It arrives, I hop in and a family of 5 walks up to the elevator
and
follows me in. They were all large people and they all had huge
suitcases. I
politely pointed out the sign and said that I'd already been stuck in
the
elevator twice and that we should split the group into two. They
laughed and
said they were all staying on. Welp, I thought, enjoy your ride.
I
proceeded to run up the stairs and hit the call button on every single
floor.
The best part was that I could hear them complaining from the stairwell
every
time the elevator opened and nobody was there. Petty revenge never felt
so
good.
(22 points)
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I was in a big meeting (50
managers/supervisors) and two high level guys made fun of my car
(Subaru
Outback) in their presentation. I had access to their personal info
(phone numbers,
address, emails) and sent it to the Subaru sales group, asking for a
test
drive/quotes/etc. They got spammed pretty well for a while.
(19 points)
●
I cheated on my ex during
our relationship and she found out shortly after we broke up. She's
blocked me
on everything, but briefly unblocks me every Monday to send me "Game of
Thrones" spoilers before I can watch it.
(19 points)
CRNI
GUJA
Crni Guja:
Da
vidimo jeste li razumeli. Večeras ćemo ovde imati dve zabave.
Persi:
Tako
je.
Boldrik:
Tako
je.
Crni Guja:
I
moraju biti sasvim odvojene.
Obojica:
Tako
je.
Crni Guja:
Prva
će biti totalna pijanka s bacanjem piva, razbijanjem i povraćanjem od
zida do zida.
Održaće se u Boldrikovoj spavaćoj sobi.
Boldrik:
Hvala,
gospodaru.
Crni Guja:
Osobu
kakvu tražimo je agresivni pijanica s inteligencijom 4-godišnjaka i
seksualnom
profinjenošću magarca. Kardinal Volsi.
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Kraljica: Lord Melčet zapravo ne podnosi
piće. Melčet: Madam, protestujem! Možda sam
malo slabašan jutros, ali ono što sam sinoć popio oborilo bi i nosoroga! Kraljica: Alergičan je na limunadu. Kraljica: Ja sam kraljica Engleske.
Možda imam telo slabe i nemoćne žene, ali imam srce i stomak betonskog
slona. ●
B6 - Prošle godine ujna me je molila za pomoć u
plaćanju otkupnine za mog ujaka Osrika. - Onda znate kakav je to strašan bol - Svakako. - Ne mogu predložiti bolji odgovor od onog koji
sam dao njoj. - A to je? - "Goni se"! |
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Kraljica:
Melči, sasvim sam promenila mišljenje o onom Forestu. Očito je vrlo glup, ali
ne možemo kažnjavati ljude zbog toga. Ako bismo kažnjavali, dadilja bi bila u
zatvoru celog života.
- Bože! Šta sam pio sinoć? Imam
osećaj kao da mi Francuz živi u glavi.
- I zaista nema ni traga Edmundu?
- Bojim se da nema.
- Onda je naprosto iščezao. Kao
stari hrastov sto.
- Iščezao, lorde Persi, ne
ispolirao.
- Izvinite, ali hrastov sto mog ujaka Bertrama je iščezao. Bilo je to u noći velikog požara u Stepneju. Te užasne noći njegova kuća i sve stvari su iščezle. U stvari, i on je. To je bila zbunjujuća misterija.
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