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U
NAREDNA DVA BROJA: SPECIJALI ZA NO� VE�TICA!
Istinita
pri�a iz
jedne vulkanizerske radnje.
Toga dana nije bilo puno posla. Sedim sa svojim kolegama, dosa�ujem se. Odjednom ispred radnje staje auto, "Pe�o" crvene boje, sa skroz izduvanom gumom na prednjem desnom to�ku. Izlazi iz njega sva bitna, glamurozna devojka…
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- Naduvajte mi gumu! – nimalo prijatno obratila
se meni. - Mo�e… Sa �ime �emo duvati? (kao da postoje
varijante)
Re�io sam malo da se na�alim, a onda je po�elo… Dan
vi�e nije bio tako dosadan.. - �ta imate?
U ovom trenutku je u meni probudio se �arli �in! - Pa.. imamo vazduh sa razli�itim mirisima,
recimo – jagoda, ananas, kajsija…
Momci u radnji po�inju polako da se kiko�u. Svako
kao radi svoj posao, ali u�i su ve� okrenute prema devojci.. - A koliko ko�ta? - 1000 dinara. Sva �etiri to�ka.
Moji momci se jedva suzdr�avaju da se ne zasmeju
naglas… Devojka: - Dobro. Onda sa jagodom!
Momci
umiru od smeha! Poku�avaju da se suzdr�e, ali ne polazi im vi�e od
ruke… |
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Gume su naduvane sa "jagodom". Devojka, bez trunke osmeha na licu odbrojava pare i odlazi… Svi pla�u!!!
Ali ovo nije kraj pri�e! Sutradan staje auto ispred moje radnje. Poznati crveni "Pe�o". Iz njega izlazi ozbiljan, krupan, solidan mu�karac i pita:
- Je l' kod vas moja �ena ju�e duvala gume?
Svi su za�utali…
- Pitam jo� jednom: koji je od vas ju�e duvao gume na ovom "Pe�ou"?
Vi�e mi nije bilo sme�no kao ju�e, ali… �ta je - tu je. Izgleda da �emo biti ka�njeni, ali moram da priznam – pomislio sam. Iza�ao sam i onako skromno i tiho:
- Pa, ja sam… Moji momci…
- Zna�i, ti si taj koji je mojoj �eni napunio to�kove "jagodom" i naplatio joj 1000 dinara?
- Pa, jesam, ja…
- Evo ti, dr�i, jo� hiljadu!
I pru�i mi nov�anicu… U �oku sam…
- A…???
- Bio sam ju�e na jednom slavlju. Bilo je dosadno, bezveze, dok se nije pojavila moja �ena i svima se pohvalila kako ima gume na autu sa mirisom "jagode"… Svi su plakali!!! Atmosfera je postala fenomenalna! Ve�e smo proveli fantasti�no! Celu no� nisam spavao! Evo, do�ao sam i tebe da po�astim…
IZGUBLjENI
U PREVODU
Prepisano
iz
"Far Eastern Economic Review", 28. 9. 1989:
●
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
● In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
●
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push the button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
● In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your valuables at the front desk.
● In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
● In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
● In a Yugoslav hotel:
The flattenning of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
●
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel
across from Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
● In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
● On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
● On the menu of the Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
● In a Hongkong supermarket:
For your convenience, we recomend courteous, efficient self-service.
● In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in a strict rotation.
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From "the Soviet
Weekly":
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15.000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
● A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and woman, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
● In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
● In an advertisment by a Hongkong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodist.
● A translated sentence from the Russian chess book:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
● In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
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● In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages. ● Advertisment for
donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass? ● On the faucet in a
Finnish washroom:
To stop the drip, turn cock to right. ● In the window of a
Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin. ● On the box of a
clockwork toy made in Hongkong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life. ● Detour sign in
Kyushu, Japan:
Stop; Drive Sideways. ● In a Bankok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if
dressed as a man. ●
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today - no ice cream. |
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● In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
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● In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. ● In a Copenhagen
airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions. ● On the door of a
Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are
welcome to it. ● In a Norwegian
cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. ● In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist for women and other diseases. |
● At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
● In a Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personaly passed all the water served here.
● From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
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From a brochure of a car rental
firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle to him. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
● Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.
CRNI
GUJA
● D6
- Dosta vi�e ovog gluvarenja! Dosadno mi je kao pi�tolju pacifiste!
ى ى ى
- Ovo je velika kriza. To je kriza od 12 spratova sa veli�anstvenim hodnikom prekrivenim tepihom, sa recepcijom koja radi 24 sata i ogromnim znakom na krovu: "Ovo je Velika Kriza".
ى ى ى
Crni Guja: Boldrik, napravi nam kafu i neka ovaj put malo manje li�i na blato.
Boldrik: Bojim se da to nije lako.
Crni Guja: Za�to?
Boldrik: Zato �to to jeste blato. Nestalo nam je kafe pre 13 meseci.
ى ى ى
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D�ord�: Da izrecitujem jo� jednu? Crni Guja: Ne bismo da se zamara�. D�ord�: Ne brinite. Mogu ja celu no�. Crni Guja: Ne�e� mo�i sa bajonetom probodenim kroz vrat!!! ى ى ى - Usko�i u stari voz i do�i na selo. Se�a�emo
se starih ratnih vremena. - Iskopa�ete rupu u vrtu, napuniti je vodom i
na�i nekoga da puca na nas po celi dan?
ى ى ى - Od tada smo ovde zaglavljeni. Tri godine se
nismo ni pomerili, a svi prijatelji su mi mrtvi. Moj ljubimac, pauk
Semi, crv Kejti, ptica Berti... Svi osim Nevila, debelog hr�ka. - Bojim se da je i Nevil oti�ao. �ao mi je. - Nevil... oti�ao… - Nije ba� oti�ao. U �o�ku je, za�epljuje
slivnik.
ى ى ى Boldrik: Imam plan. Crni Guja: Stvarno, Boldrik? Neki lukav i
suptilan? Crni Guja: Da. Crni Guja: Lukav kao lisica koja je
upravo progla�ena profesorom lukavosti na univerzitetu Oksford? Boldrik: Da. |
● S1
- Svuci spolja�nji sloj debelog seljaka i unutra �e� verovatno na�i...
- ... mr�avog seljaka.
ى ى ى
- Ti siro�i�i su tako�e mal�ice debeli.
- Ima istine u tome.
- Kada ih pose�ujem, uklonim sve o�tre stvari iz bojazni da ih ne probu�im
ى ى ى
Crni Guja: �ta da se radi, g. Boldrik, izgleda da �emo imati mr�av Bo�i�.
Boldrik: Ne brinite gospodine B, oka�io sam �arapu da se Deda Mraz spusti niz dimnjak.
Crni Guja: Ako ima jedna stvar koja �e spre�iti Deda Mraza da se spusti niz dimnjak, to je tvoja �arapa.
Boldrik: Ali ako je ne oka�im, kako �e je Deda Mraz napuniti?
Crni Guja: Ali ako je oka�i�, Deda Mraz �e umreti �im pri�e na manje od 100 metara od nje.
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Duh Bo�i�a: Drugima poka�emo kako su im
preci bili pokvareni. A sa tvojim precima, to bi bila jedno�asovna
vizija, sa pauzom za sladoled.
ى ى ى Crni Guja: Potro�io sam sav ke� na ovu
prokletu stvar za kraljicu. Bilo bi dobro da joj se svidi. Ostavila je
dovoljno upustava. Ta �ena je suptilna kao nosorogov rog okrenut
naopako. ى ى ى - Zadu�io si me savetom Crna Gujo, i ja �u ga naravno poslu�ati do zadnjeg slova. Onog dana kada mi mozak zamene karfiolom. ى ى ى |
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Crni Guja: Ha! Sredio sam ga svojim lukavim planom.
Boldrik: Ja ne vidim nikakav lukavi plan.
Crni Guja: Boldri�e, ti ne bi video lukav plan da je ofarban u ljubi�asto i igra go na klavir�embalu pevaju�i "Lukav plan je opet ovde".
ى ى ى
Kraljica (iz druge sezone): U stvari, udala bih se za tebe, da nisi privla�an kao veliki pu� gola�.
ى ى ى
Kraljica: U svakom slu�aju nagradi�u te, da�u ti mnogo poklona. Voleo bi dvorac?
Mel�et: Vindsor, Viso�anstvo?
Kraljica: Titula?
Mel�et: Vojvoda od Kenta? Jo� ne�to?
Kraljica: Vragolastu �enu.
Mel�et: Gospo�a D�ejn Potl.
Kraljica: Ona je trenutno devojka Crnog Guje, ali to nije problem, Bleki, zar ne?
Crni Guja: Naravno da nije, madam. A mo�da bi Lord Mel�et voleo da me �iba golog kroz ulice Aberdina?
Kraljica: Nema potrebe i�i toliko daleko. Ba� ste ljubazni.
Mel�et: Ne, Elzbri je bli�e.
ى ى ى
Edmund (iz budu�nosti): A sada, Va�e Viso�anstvo, insistiram uz puno po�tovanje da mi predate vrhovnu komandu nad univerzumom, za�ijete mi dugme na rezervnoj uniformi, i udate se za mene poslepodne.
Kraljica: Mislila sam da me nikad ne�e� pitati.
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