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STATLER
AND WALDORF
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(nastavak iz broja
№711) Waldorf: You know, the second half of
this show reminds me of Aspen. Statler: Why Aspen? Waldorf: Cause it's all downhill from
here!
● ● ● Fozzie: Hey, guys! You want to see my
new act? Statler: We'd love to see your act. Waldorf: In fact, we'd hate to miss
your act. Statler: In fact, we'd love to hate
your act.
● ● ● Fozzie: How did you get here? Waldorf: We entered a contest. Statler: Yeah! We lost!
● ● ●
From The Muppet Show with Dudley Moore (after "She
Loves You"): Waldorf: Seeing a number like that
always makes me nostalgic. Statler: Oh, yeah? Nostalgic for what? Waldorf: D.D.T.
● ● ● Statler: So, they blew up half the
theater. Waldorf: Well, at least they blew up
the right half. Both: THEIRS!
● ● ● |
|
Statler:
Boris
Klinger? Why, you old fool! Boris Klinger was the worst music hall act
to ever
step onto the stage!
Waldorf:
In
your opinion maybe, but more than 2.000 people attended his final
performance.
Statler:
Yes,
yes. Half of them brought the tar and the rest brought the feathers!
● ● ●
From The Muppet Show with Bob Hope (during
closing theme):
Waldorf:
Doesn't Bob Hope usually sing "Thanks for the Memories"?
Statler:
Why
would he want to remember this?
● ● ●
Statler:
I
went snowboarding yesterday!
Waldorf:
That's nothing! I cut fiber out of my diet!
Statler:
GOOD
GRIEF! You're a mad man!
Waldorf:
That's right! Eat my dust!
Statler:
If
you were any older, you'd be dust!
● ● ●
Gonzo asks for volunteer to be
hypnotized
into lifting 2500kg weight:
Gonzo:
It's
just a question of mind over matter.
Waldorf: That's right, you don't mind and we don't matter.
● ● ●
|
|
Statler: Does this show constitute as
cruelty to animals Waldorf: Not unless they're watching it.
● ● ● Statler: They don't write the old songs
anymore. Waldorf: Nope, they just write new ones
● ● ● Waldorf: Wake me when the show starts Statler: It's already been on a while. Waldorf: Oh, wake me when it's over.
● ● ● Waldorf: I love French singing. Statler: I love French Fries. Waldorf: French Fries? I don't get it. Statler: Well you didn't order any.
● ● ●
Gonzo doing his motorcycle act: Gonzo:
I can
assure you, you'll be in no danger. Statler:
Your
right. Waldorf:
We'll
be in Chicago. |
● ● ●
Gonzo attempts the motorcycle act
again:
Statler:
We're
not afraid, we know Gonzo.
Waldorf:
If at
first you don't succeed - fail again.
● ● ●
During
the closing, theme S & W are in prison clothes, with iron bars
surrounding
them:
Statler:
How
long are we in for?
Waldorf:
20
years.
Statler:
If I
had known the judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair!
● ● ●
Statler:
What's that noise?
Waldorf:
I
think that's Lewis Carroll turning over in his grave.
● ● ●
From the Florence Henderson
episode:
Fozzie:
Now,
tonight, I'm gonna try and put something new in my act.
Statler:
Yeah,
like comedy, maybe.
● ● ●
Statler:
Do
they sell insurance for this show?
● ● ●
Whatnot:
Are
these seats taken?
Statler
and Waldorf: No! Take 'em!
● ● ●
● ● ●
During the closing theme a cow is in
the box with S & W:
Cow:
Moo!
Statler:
No!
"Boo"!
Cow:
Boo!
Statler:
Hooray!
Cow:
Hooray!
● ● ●
From "Kermit's Swamp
Years":
Waldorf:
It
sure was nice of the frog to let us be in this movie.
Statler:
So
people could see how young we look?
Waldorf:
No,
so we wouldn't have to watch it!
● ● ●
From "MuppetToons: Net
Congestion":
Fozzie:
That's
not fair! I can't even see you guys!
Statler:
Of
course not!
Waldorf:
We're
on streaming audio!
Statler:
And
you're a streaming idiot!
● ● ●
Statler:
That
number was out of sight!
Waldorf:
You
mean you liked it?
Statler:
No,
it was "out of sight" - I had my eyes closed.
● ● ●
From The Muppet Show with Lena Horne
(after "I've Got a Name):
Waldorf:
I
could listen to her sing till the end of time.
Statler:
She
doesn't sing that. It's not her style.
Waldorf:
No,
no, I mean I could listen to her sing forever.
Statler:
Well,
she doesn't sing that either.
Waldorf:
Why
don't you just check yourself into the old fools' home while they still
have a
bed left?!
|
|
● ● ●
During the Richard Bradshaw
shadow puppet act: Statler: More! More! Waldorf: Hey, look. There IS more. Statler: Oh, good grief. They heard me!
● ● ● Statler: Hey, Waldorf, I was wondering
if you could...(stops talking and mouths the
rest of his words) Waldorf: Darn, I'd better get some new
batteries for my hearing aid. Statler: (laughs)
I fool him every time! (laughs some more and
gets hit by Waldorf) ● ● ● Statler:
Well,
that was a great number. I've always liked pantomime. Waldorf:
That
wasn't pantomime! Your hearing aid's busted again. |
Waldorf: Gonzo should quit while he's ahead
Statler:
Gonzo
should quit while he's alive!
● ● ●
Statler:
Private screening?
Waldorf:
Yeah
they're afraid to show it in public.
● ● ●
Statler:
I was
on the "Titanic"
Waldorf:
I
know you still have the dress you wore so they'd let you in the life
boat!
● ● ●
Statler:
I was
a student of Shakespeare.
Waldorf:
You
were a student WITH Shakespeare!
● ● ●
Waldorf:
Now
why would they have a bunch of chickens singing "Baby face"?
Statler:
Because the alligators were sick.
Waldorf: That
makes sense.
● ● ●
Waldorf:
Each
week, we'll be telling you what to see and what to avoid.
Statler:
Avoid
Paris Hilton!
Waldorf:
I
stayed there once.
Statler:
Who
hasn't?
● ● ●
After hearing "You have nothing
to
worry about" in the "War of the Worlds" trailer:
Statler:
Uh-oh!
When someone says that, start worrying.
|
● ● ●
After previewing
"Bewitched": Statler: Obviously, "Bewitched" is pure
fantasy. Waldorf: Why? Because witches don't
exist? Statler: No! Because a guy like Will
Ferrell could NEVER get a woman like Nicole Kidman!
● ● ● Statler: That Johnny Depp is
everywhere! What's he got that I haven't, besides youth, good looks,
virility, fame, wealth... Waldorf: ...functioning kidney,
gallbladder, hip... Statler: Alright! Alright! Alright!
● ● ●
After previewing "Stealth": Statler: In "Stealth", Jamie Fox does what many academy award-winning have done with their follow-up films. Waldorf:
You
mean, he stretches further as an actor? Statler:
No,
he cashes in! (They laugh.) Statler:
I
even heard Jamie Fox almost walked off the set. Waldorf:
Why? Statler:
He
was mad that the plane had a bigger hanger. |
|
Waldorf:
Wait.
If this plane was really super-intelligent, why did it choose this
screenplay?
● ● ●
Statler: If I wanted to see outlandish
stories about the military, I'd turn on Fox News.
After previewing "The Dukes of
Hazzard":
Waldorf:
Do
you think people will protest this movie?
Statler:
Because there's a confederate flag on top of the car?
Waldorf:
No,
because Jessica Simpson has a speaking part.
● ● ●
Waldorf:
Frankly, I can't believe this show is still on the air! I thought we'd
be
cancelled by now.
Statler:
Or at
least they would've replaced you with Kelly Ripa.
● ● ●
Statler:
Since
the search for the next James Bond continues, I'd like to officially
offer MY
services.
Waldorf:
License to kill? You're lucky they give you a license to drive!
Statler:
For
me, a license to drive IS a license to kill!
|
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● ● ● Statler: "This show is awful!" Waldorf: "Terrible!" Statler: "Disgusting!" Waldorf: "See you next week?" Statler: "Of course."
● ● ●
While previewing "The 40-Year-Old Virgin": Waldorf: I got waxed one time. Two
hours of misery...and that was just my ears!
● ● ● Statler: If this movie is just like heaven, I'm glad I've been a bad person.
● ● ● |
While previewing "Just Like
Heaven":
Waldorf:
(notices Statler crying) What's wrong?
Statler:
I miss… Uh… I miss…
Waldorf:
Relax! Reese Witherspoon isn't really dead!
Statler:
No, I
miss my ten bucks!
● ● ●
After previewing "Just Like
Heaven":
Statler:
Well,
I can relate to this film. Last night, when I got home, a complete
stranger was
in the living room.
Waldorf:
Oh,
was she a ghost?
Statler:
No, I
went to the wrong house again.
● ● ●
After watching the lost footage of
Bobo's Star Wars auditions:
Waldorf:
Now,
I know why that footage was lost!
● ● ●
After previewing "Corpse
Bride":
Statler:
It's
nice to see someone marrying a corpse. It gives us hope.
Waldorf:
Amen,
brother.
● ● ●
Waldorf:
I
think he just likes to make an artistic statement.
Statler:
What
statement is he making here?
Waldorf:
He's
weird!
● ● ●
Statler:
I'm
actually wearing a pair of those daisy dukes right now.
Waldorf:
(looks down at Statler's legs and covers his
eyes) Oh, I did NOT get catarack surgery to see that!
● ● ●
Statler:
Up
first, Jessica Alba and Paul Walker star in "Into the Blue".
Waldorf:
They
play beautiful people hunting for treasure who are being hunted by
other
beautiful people and, of course, the result is…
Both: Ugly!
(nastavak u broju №714
jer je u narednom
specijal za Valentina)
T-CОM
Poštovani,
Jebem vas i vaš "Max TV" samoinstalacijski paket!
Prvo i prvo, ako je nešto samo instalacijsko, onda
ja trebam gladit jajca dok se ono samo ne instalira. A ja se već tjedan
dana jebem sa paketom za koji mi je vaša službenica rekla da se
instalira u roku od 25 minuta. Ili vaša službenica ima smisla za humor ili
sa vama minute jako sporo prolaze. Očigledno je ovo drugo. Nakon osmog poziva vašoj tehničkoj podršci, osmi put ste zaključili da je sve instalirano prema uputama, te da je oprema neispravna i konačno mi je obećano da će mi monter doći instalirati taj "samoinstalacijski" MAX TV paket. Škrti ste platit čovjeka da montira opremu pomoću koje nas onda derete sa ugovornom obvezom od 24 mjeseca. E, sad se pitam ko će meni platit satnicu dok sam se zajebavao sa vašim kablovima i opremom koja je neispravna (i to prema riječima vašeg službenika).
Znate
kaj, i inače mi vas je pun qrac. Derete nas sa nenormalno visokim
cijenama kako
i gdje |
stignete. Kad si složim računicu koliko platim pretplatu 70kn,
teleno
200-300, internet 200, MAX TV 70, dođem do brojke od 600-700kn. I to
svaki
mjesec, a vezan sam ugovorom 24 mjeseca. Da mi je dostupan drugi
operater otišo
bi drugom, pa taman da mu više platim.
I onda
imate kampanju "znakovi pažnje". Ma, zabijte si te znakove znate kam.
Da je vama stalo do ljudi onda bi nam smanjili koji račun ili platili
cugu ili
nekaj slično. A ne da ja moram skupljat jebene bodove da od vas dobijem
šlafrok. I to ružičasti. Ma dajte odjebite!
Srdačan
samoinstalacijski pozdrav
Nezadovoljni
korisnik koji vas morat trpit još 24 mjeseca
(redakcija se ograničava od ovog teksta jer slika tog pisma već dugo kruži netom)
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