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Nedelja, 20. II 2011.

U ovom broju donosimo: 2. Employee performance review Ekskluzivno: Wikileaks otkrio zašto Klark Kent dosad nije izbačen ko kofer iz redakcije "Daily planet-a" 3. Error messages Obaveštenja o greškama 4. Pasulj Pored ljubavnih priča, zapostavili smo i bračne priče 4. Špigl - dvojnici poznatih Foto-feljton: dvojnici poznatih ličnosti. 5. Couples dynamics Kako okolina gleda parove 5. Muškarci poludjeli za higijenskim ulošcima Isečak iz novina 6. Locirajte se! Vi mora da ste iz… ako je većina ovih tvrdnji tačna (Luizijana, Luksemburg; 2851-2892)

Sačuvajte ovaj broj! Možete od njega da napravite: - molersku kapu - brodić - avion koji leti… Urednicima ostalih časopisa: Budite fer i ostavite link za ovaj časopis kad već uzimate materijal odavde!

EMPLOYEE PERFOMANCE REVIEW

ERROR MESSAGES

● Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. ● Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. ● Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. ● Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! ● Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. ● Close your eyes and press "Esc" three times. ● Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. ● This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? ● Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" ● This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off." ● To "shut down" your system, type "WIN." ● BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

● COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

● CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

● File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

● Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

● Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

● Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

● WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL&PAPER.SYS)

● User Error: Replace user.

● Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

● Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

● Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.

● Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

● My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

● <-------- The information went data way --------

● Best file compression around: "DEL ." = 100% compression

● The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

● The name is Baud......, James Baud.

● Access denied - nah nah na nah nah!

● Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..

● Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

● As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

● SENILE.COM found… Out Of Memory…

● Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?

● Error exist between keyboard and a chair

PASULj

Jednog dana upoznala sam jednog divnog gospodina i zaljubila se. Kada je postalo jasno da ćemo se uzeti, odlučila sam da prestanem da jedem pasulj. Nekoliko meseci kasnije, na moj rođendan, pokvario mi se auto dok sam se vraćala kući s posla. S obzirom da sam živela na selu, pozvala sam muža i rekla mu da ću kasniti, jer sam morala da odpešačim kući. Idući tako, uz put sam naišla na jednu malu krčmu iz koje se širio miris pasulja i ja jednostavno nisam mogla da odolim. Pošto sam imala pred sobom da prepešačim još milje i milje, predpostavila sam da ću se putem osloboditi svih nuspojava dok ne stignem kući. Ušla sam u krčmu i za čas posla sam "sredila" tri porcije pasulja. Kada

ŠPIGL - DVOJNICI POZNATIH Edi ("Ajron mejden") → Klint Istvud

sam nastavila da pešačim, potrudila sam se da oslobodim sav gas.

Kada sam stigla, moj muž je bio radostan što me vidi i veselo je rekao: "Draga, imam iznenađenje za večeru!" Zatim mi je stavio povez preko očiju i odveo me do stolice za trpezarijskim stolom. Sela sam, i baš kad je hteo da mi skine povez, zazvonio je telefon. Naterao me je da mu obećam da neću dirati povez dok se ne vrati, i otišao do telefona.

Pasulj koji sam pojela je još uvek radio i pritisak je postao nepodnošljiv, tako da sam iskoristila priliku dok se moj muž ne vrati, nagla se na jednu stranu i "pustila" jedan. Ne samo da je bio glasan, nego je i smrdeo kao kada kamion s đubrivom, prolazeći pored pilane, pregazi tvora. Uzela sam salvetu s krila i žustro oduvala smrad. Zatim sam se nagla na drugu stranu i odvalila još tri. Smrad je bio gori od kuvanja kupusa. Naćulivši uši na telefonski razgovor u susednoj sobi, nastavila sam ovako da nižem narednih nekoliko minuta. Zadovoljstvo je bilo neopisivo. Kada je pozdravljanje preko telefona označilo kraj moje slobode, učinila sam još nekoliko brzih kružnih pokreta salvetom da razduvam sve, vratila salvetu na krilo i uz osećaj zadovoljstva i olakšanja, spustila ruke na krilo. Lice mi je sigurno odavalo najneviniji moguć izraz kada se moj muž vratio i izvinuo što se tako dugo zadržao. Pitao me jesam li virila, a ja sam ga uverila da nisam. U tom trenutku, skinuo mi je povez i dvanaest gostiju koji su sedeli za stolom u glas je uzviknulo: "Srećan rođendan!!!" Pala sam u nesvest. MUŠKARCI POLUDJELI ZA HIGIJENSKIM ULOŠCIMA             U namjeri da imaju čisto auto, a da pri tom  prođu što jeftinije, banjalučki vozači se ovih dana snalaze kako znaju i umiju. Prema riječima jednoga od njih, najpopularnija tehnika trenutno je brisanje šoferšajbe ni manje ni više nego - "Always" ulošcima. - Sjajni su. Brišu odlično, odlično upijaju vlagu sa stakla. Uz to, vrlo su praktični, čisti i ima ih svaka žena, pa vam se uvijek nađu pri ruci. Ne treba za svaku sitnicu ići u autopraonu. Najbolji su ovi novi, ultra sa nekoliko krilaca i slojeva - kaže

jedan od vozača, koji na ovaj način gotovo svakodnevno čisti vjetrobran Golfa 2.

Ovu tehniku je, kaže, saznao od svojih kolega, gdje se i uvjerio da funkcioniše. Međutim, iako i žene vole čist automobil, požalile su nam se da na ovaj način često ostaju bez uložaka i u onim najtežim situacijama, što može biti problem.

- Koliko god uložaka da kupim, muž ih potroši. Sramota me da ih stalno kupujem, pa mijenjam prodavnice da mi komšinica ne bi pomislila da nisam normalna - kaže jedna od supruga vozača.

Kako stvari stoje, ova tehnika će trajati samo kod oženjenih muškaraca koji uloške lako mogu "maknuti" od supruga, dok se malo ko od neoženjenih usudi ući u prodavnicu kako bi kupio uloške za svog ljubimca.

LOCIRAJTE SE ¤ Vi mora da ste iz Luizijane ako… (USA, poglavlje LIV) 2851. You have to reset your clocks after every thunderstorm. 2852. When it starts to rain, you cover your beer instead of your head. 2853. You eat dinner out and spend the entire meal talking about all the other good places you've eaten. 2854. When you ask people where they went to school, they answer with their high school 2855. Drive-thru daquiris - it's not drinking and driving until you put the straw in. 2856. You stand on the neutral ground at parades and have no idea what a "median" is. ¤  Vi mora da ste iz Luksemburga ako… (FL, poglavlje LV) 2857. There's only one phone book for the whole country. 2858. You would never write the number 7 without the horizontal dash and the number 1 without the top hook. 2859. There's no public event without a "Éirewäin".

2860. You call the Luxembourgish university according to its website address.

2861. You know that the President of that Federation might have gone to school with you.
2862. You keep complaining about the fights between French and Flamish Belgium, because to be fair, in 50 years they're going to be part of the European Federation anyway.
2863. You join Facebook groups, without reading their descriptions - because their titles sound good!

2864. You actually celebrate your national holiday, whereas most foreigners don't even know when theirs is. However, you celebrate it the day before in order to avoid having to go to work hungover. On the actual day of your national holiday you don't stay in Luxembourg, but go shopping to Trier. 2865. You get offended when North-Americans don't know where/what Luxembourg is, yet at the same time, you wouldn't know where Virginia or Manitoba is. 2866. You believe Luxembourgish is in the heart of Europe. 2867. You're truly obsessed with speaking Luxembourgish at your baker's. It also usually involves buying "eng Mëtsch" (a pastry), but it rarely involves bread, and it's never a situation at the butcher's. 2868. You start sentences like, "I'm not a nazi" and talk about foreigners that need to integrate into Luxembourgish society by which you mean they should be able to speak Luxembourgish at the baker's. That's how far integration goes… 2869. You're in favour of monopolies: one company selling electricity, one selling gas, one selling telecommunications, one post office. You don't get this whole "shopping for utilities" thing. 2870. You end your English text messages (which you call SMS) with "BK" meaning "big kiss(es)" as a transfer from "DK" (décke kuss). 2871. A "Rieslingspastéit" is nothing unknown to you. 2872. When speaking English, you wonder why the other person doesn't understand you when you say "Handy".

2873. No matter where you are and what the weather is like, you have to complain about it.

2874. As a child you were confused by the fact that Santa Claus (a.k.a. Kleeschen) doesn't have a donkey, but a sleigh and reindeer in most films. Furthermore he is assisted by elves instead of Housécker.

2875. You were proud when your country beat Scotland during the Quidditch World Cup in "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix". 2876. You have a customised car matric plate with your birthday on it. 2877. You can ride all the buses and trains in your country for 50€ a year. 2878. The person who runs your country doesn't speak the same mother tongue as you. 2879. You celebrate "Bratzelsonndeg". 2880. You pronounce Montpellier "Montpällier". 2881. You've told a million jokes starring a certain kid named "Pitti". 2882. An "old" car means it's over 5 years old. 2883. You don't drink tea. After all, you're not ill, are you? So there you go. Coffee, please! 2884. Your names and surnames are not in the right order, because the way you entered them is the way you are used to. 2885. You have prepared a speech in Luxembourgish. But, at the last moment a few unexpected people join the audience.

a) If 1 out of 100 auditors is French, you will perform your speech in French.

b) If 1 out of 100 is English and 10 are French, you will address the audience in English.

2886. You're in a seating concert and the person behind you will complain the second you stand up to dance. 2887. You think that Thüringer with chips and side salad is a hell of a dish. 2888. You say "vu que datt". (Either the "que" or the "datt" are superfluous. So stop saying it!) 2889. You can't get to know anyone you don't share at least one friend with. 2890. You don't like to bump into Luxembourgish people when you're on holiday.

2891. You know that the Luxembourgish flag is soooo different from the Dutch.
2892. You say "I'm going to the city" and everyone knows exactly which city you're talking about.

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