Nedelja, 4. XI
2012.
U ovom broju donosimo: 2. Mađioničarski
trikovi
(4/8)
Zadivite vaše prijatelje jednostavnim trikovima! 10 saveta za bezbedno rukovanje oružjem Montaža "Indeksovog radio pozorišta" iz 90-tih 4. Alan Ford Odabrani dijalozi i odvale 6. Titanik 7. "To
do" list
Sitnije manguparije ako vam je BAŠ
dosadno Vi mora da ste iz… ako je većina ovih tvrdnji tačna (Škotska; 5391-5409) |
|
Transliteracija:
Izvedite
na scenu
pomoćnika, najbolje nekog brkajliju i nežno mu iz jednog brka
iščupajte jednu dlaku.
Zatim
toj istoj
osobi zavučete tu dlaku u uvo.
Kad
dlaka,
prirodno, iziđe kroz drugo uvo, uhvatite njen drugi kraj.
Zatim
rukama
izvodite pokrete levo-desno. Na zaprepašćenje publike, oči vašeg
pomoćnika kretaće se, vučene dlakom, levo-desno.
Objašnjenje:
Shvatili ste da je ovo nemoguće. U stvari, vi ste se sa svojim
pomoćnikom unapred dogovorili da on sâm (a ne dlaka) pokreće
oči.
("Politikin
zabavnik" № 983-1970)
10.
Always keep
your gun pointed in a safe direction, such as at a hippy or a communist.
9.
Dumb children
may get a hold of your guns and shoot each other. If your children are
dumb,
put them up for adoption to protect your guns.
8.
No matter how
responsible he seems, never give your gun to a monkey
7.
If guns make
you nervous, drink a bottle of whiskey before heading to the range.
6.
When
unholstering your weapon, it's customary to say "Excuse me while I whip
this out".
5.
Don't load
your gun unless you are ready to shoot something or are just feeling
generally
angry.
4.
If your gun
misfires, never look down the barrel to inspect it. Have someone else
do that
for you.
3.
Never use your
gun to pistol whip someone. That could mar the finish.
2.
No matter how
excited you are about buying your first gun, don't run around yelling
"I
have a gun! I have a gun!"
1.
And the most
important rule of gun safety: don't piss me off!
Pošto su slova malo mutnija zbog širine strane (slika se skupila), dajemo vam i transliteraciju ako ne možete da pročitate:
Znaci za zbunjivanje |
Postupci građana |
||
---------------- ---------------- ---------------- +----------------+ 35
godina |
Prestanak opasnosti Emitovao se jednoličnim tonom u trajanju od 35 godina. Zbog velikog
uspeha reprizirao se jedanput godišnje u 15:10 časova. |
1. Radite kao da će 100 godina biti kredita, a
sprem'te se sprem'te kao da će sutra biti rat; 2. U slučaju rata bežite avionima JAT-a |
|
-----~~~~~----- -----~~~~~----- -----~~~~~----- +----|----|-----+ 20
20 20 |
Opasnost od (Hadži) Struje Emituje se naizmeničnim i jednosmernim tonom i
traje li traje |
1. Isključiti Struju i sve strujne aparatčike; 2. Otvoriti prozore i oči i uši i napraviti
promaju; 3. Mirno i bez panike poći do najbližeg kioska i
uzeti nešto za smirenje |
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +---------------+ 60
minuta |
Opasnost od ispiranja mozga sa
pretpranjem i centrifugiranjem Emituje se zavijajućim tonom od 19:30, pa dokle
treba. A treba. |
1. Ukoliko vas pomračenje Sunca zadesi na
otvorenom prostoru – tu pomoći nema. 2. U slučaju primetnih znakova kontaminacije
optimizmom, uputiti se do najbližeg psihijatra po savet, a u težim
slučajevima do najbliže pumpe po benzin. |
|
~~~~
~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~
~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~
~~~~ ~~~~ +---|--|--|--|---+ 20 15 20 15 20 |
Opasnost od rata, sankcija,
inflacije i gubljenja teritorija Emituje se već 10 godina zavijajućim tonom sa
prekidima i pregovorima |
1. Struju ne treba isključivati jer je nema 2. Dekontaminaciju obaviti posipanjem pepelom, jer
nema ni sapuna 3. Pre napuštanja kuće poneti pasoš 4. Mirno i dostojanstveno uputiti se u najbližu
neprijateljsku susednu zemlju |
|
----
---- ---- ----
---- ---- ----
---- ---- +---|--|--|--|---+ 20 15 20 15 20 |
Opasnost od kiča Emituje se tupim tonom sa, nažalost, kraćim
prekidima |
1. Kul i dostojanstveno učlanite se u biblioteku i
pročitajte sve o marksizmu 2. Staviti zaštitnu masku (vidi sliku) u zaštitni
položaj |
Najbolji ovogodišnji kostim
za Samhain (naravno, otac klinca je unutra)
-
Mi smo
diplomirani glazbenici.
-
Na našim
diplomama nalazi se potpis Georgea Washingtona.
-
Supotpisani je
Benjamin Franklin.
-
I Muhamed Ali.
[99]
-
Gledajte
partiture, glupani! Svaka nota nešto znači, idioti! Nije svejedno je li
ona gore ili dolje, blesani! Je li crna ili bijela, kreteni!
-
To uopće
nismo učili. [99]
Broj Jedan: Stojimo ovdje dva sata i
očekujemo neke
suvisle melodije, ali ništa ne čujemo. Ili je to glazba za gluhe? [99]
Tobia: A kraj? Čini se da dolazi prije
početka. [99] Umjesto orkestra nastupaće samo
glasovir! Ja sam pravi as, igrao sam na klaviru lijevo krilo. Zvali su
me Pele
Rubinstein! [99] Natpis
na
cvećarnici: "Zatvoreno zbog sna" [100] Komšija
baca
drugom komšiji mačku kroz prozor. -
Štoooooo?
Koristite bakteriološko oružje? [100] |
Komšija
što živi
pored cvećarnice: Nebesa, provalnik! Sigurno mi hoće ukrasti radio
koji sam platio na 7300 mesječnih otplata! [100]
Grunf: Motor je na svom mjestu, ali s
paljenjem uvijek problemi. Pokušat ću
s ovim svijećicama što sam ih kupio prije 12 godina na skladištu
eksploziva. [100]
Deda Broja Jedan: Unuče moj najdraži! Baš mi je
drago što te
vidim! Koliko stoljeća nismo bili zajedno?
Broj Jedan: Pa, čini mi se da smo se
posljednji put
vidjeli za vrijeme Trećega Punskog rata. Ili je to bio drugi? [100]
(Drugi
Punski rat: 218-201. pne; Treći Punski rat: 149-146. pne)
Alan: Uvijek sam patio od straha pred
zatvorenim prostorom.
Bob: A ja od straha pred strahom. [100]
Jeremija: O, da, da! Odmah se osjećam bolje!
Šef: I imaš svoju uobičajenu
sivo-zelenu boju. [100]
●
Wear
shirt that says "Life". Hand out lemons on street corner.
●
Hire two
private investigators. Get them to follow each other.
●
Major in
philosophy. Ask people why they would like fries
with that.
●
Go into a
crowded elevator and say: "I bet you're all wondering why I gathered
you
here", with a straight face.
●
Make
vanilla pudding. Put in mayonaise jar. Eat in public.
●
Become a
teacher. Make a test where every answer is "C". Ejoy the show. ● Wait until someone is about to
sneeze. Right before they do, loudly scream "Pika pika!" ●
Run into
a store, ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell "It
worked!!!" and run out cheering. ●
Buy a
horse. Name it "Oscar takes the lead", and enter it in horse races. ●
Invite
someone into your office, turn around in office chair and say: "I've
been
expecting you..." ●
Change
name to Simon. Speak in third person. ●
Become a
doctor. Change last name to Acula. ●
Buy a
parrot. Teach the parrot to say: "Help! I've been turned into a
parrot!" |
¤
Vi mora da ste iz Škotske ako… (UK/SCO, poglavlje
CIII)
5391. Even
if you not a huge fan of the Proclaimers, Runrig, Caledonia, Deacon
Blue, Big Country etc. you still love it when you're in a
club abroad and they play something Scottish. (you'll probably even ask the DJ to play it…)
5392. You feel bad if you're not outside on a sunny day.
5393. You know when your friend, colleague etc says "fancy a pint?".
It's never just the one pint, more like at least 4 or 5.
5394. You feel special if you can speak another language in addition to English.
5395. You are shocked to discover that you can't drink tap water abroad
and must buy bottled water. Also you find water in
5396. You used to get up really early on a Saturday or Sunday to watch cartoons
when you were a kid. You watched Glen Michael's "Cartoon Cavalcade"
on a Sunday afternoon with his sidekick oil lamp called Paladin. You remember
Glen giving Paladin a good hard stroke! 5397. You can quite happily spend a whole day in the pub! 5398. A full English Breakfast is transformed into a Scottish Breakfast by adding Stornoway black pudding, potato scones, rashers of fried Ayrshire bacon, fried haggis, dod of fried mushrooms/fried tomatoes, square sausage and baked beans (just to prove not everything we eat is fried!). 5399. You say sorry to someone who has bumped into you even though it was them. The other person should say sorry at exactly the same time as you say it. Note: This scenario changes if they made you spill your pint in a pub as a consequence of the bump. (see #5400) |
5400. You have participated in or witnessed people having a "square go".
5401. You will wait and hold the door for someone 100 metres behind you in case you cause offence.
5402. You roll your R's like the Spanish, you say "grrreen" or a la
Tommy Sheridan -Utter Garrrbage.
5403. You attempt to use your legal tender Scottish Pound notes in
5404. You are in the
5405. You are in the
5406. There are no lakes, only lochs. (well…apart from
5407. Castles are no big deal and you are oddly fascinated by how
excited
tourists get talking about them.
5408. You were given an Oor Wullie or Broons Annual at Christmas.
5409. You have come in from the pub pissed with flatmates and watched
an
episode of Weirs Way engrossed by a little guy with a bobbly hat
walking around
Scotland.