EN450 - Nedelja, 4. XI 2012.

U ovom broju donosimo: 2. Mađioničarski trikovi (4/8)             Zadivite vaše prijatelje jednostavnim trikovima! 2. Gun safety tips                   10 saveta za bezbedno rukovanje oružjem 3. Znaci za zbunjivanje             Montaža "Indeksovog radio pozorišta" iz 90-tih 4. Alan Ford             Odabrani dijalozi i odvale 6. Titanik             Kako se u stvari završio film "Titanik" 7. "To do" list                        Sitnije manguparije ako vam je BAŠ dosadno 8. Locirajte se!                       Vi mora da ste iz… ako je većina ovih tvrdnji tačna (Škotska; 5391-5409)

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MAĐIONIČARSKI TRIKOVI

Transliteracija:

Izvedite na scenu pomoćnika, najbolje nekog brkajliju i nežno mu iz jednog brka iščupajte jednu dlaku.

Zatim toj istoj osobi zavučete tu dlaku u uvo.

Kad dlaka, prirodno, iziđe kroz drugo uvo, uhvatite njen drugi kraj.

Zatim rukama izvodite pokrete levo-desno. Na zaprepašćenje publike, oči vašeg pomoćnika kretaće se, vučene dlakom, levo-desno.

 

Objašnjenje: Shvatili ste da je ovo nemoguće. U stvari, vi ste se sa svojim pomoćnikom unapred dogovorili da on sâm (a ne dlaka) pokreće oči.

 ("Politikin zabavnik" №983-1970)

GUN SAFETY TIPS

10. Always keep your gun pointed in a safe direction, such as at a hippy or a communist.

9. Dumb children may get a hold of your guns and shoot each other. If your children are dumb, put them up for adoption to protect your guns.

8. No matter how responsible he seems, never give your gun to a monkey

7. If guns make you nervous, drink a bottle of whiskey before heading to the range.

6. When unholstering your weapon, it's customary to say "Excuse me while I whip this out".

5. Don't load your gun unless you are ready to shoot something or are just feeling generally angry.

4. If your gun misfires, never look down the barrel to inspect it. Have someone else do that for you.

3. Never use your gun to pistol whip someone. That could mar the finish.

2. No matter how excited you are about buying your first gun, don't run around yelling "I have a gun! I have a gun!"

1. And the most important rule of gun safety: don't piss me off!

ZNACI ZA ZBUNjIVANjE

 

            Pošto su slova malo mutnija zbog širine strane (slika se skupila), dajemo vam i transliteraciju ako ne možete da pročitate:

 

Znaci za zbunjivanje			Postupci građana
----------------  ----------------  ---------------- +----------------+      35 godina	Prestanak opasnosti Emitovao se jednoličnim tonom u trajanju od 35 godina. Zbog velikog uspeha reprizirao se jedanput godišnje u 15:10 časova.		1. Radite kao da će 100 godina biti kredita, a sprem'te se, sprem'te kao da će sutra biti rat; 2. U slučaju rata bežite avionima JAT-a
-----~~~~~-----  -----~~~~~-----  -----~~~~~----- +----|----|-----+   20   20   20	Opasnost od (Hadži) Struje Emituje se naizmeničnim i jednosmernim tonom i traje li traje	1. Isključiti Struju i sve strujne aparatčike; 2. Otvoriti prozore i oči i uši i napraviti promaju; 3. Mirno i bez panike poći do najbližeg kioska i uzeti nešto za smirenje
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +---------------+     60 minuta	Opasnost od ispiranja mozga sa pretpranjem i centrifugiranjem Emituje se zavijajućim tonom od 19:30, pa dokle treba. A treba.	1. Ukoliko vas pomračenje Sunca zadesi na otvorenom prostoru – tu pomoći nema. 2. U slučaju primetnih znakova kontaminacije optimizmom, uputiti se do najbližeg psihijatra po savet, a u težim slučajevima do najbliže pumpe po benzin.
~~~~  ~~~~  ~~~~  ~~~~  ~~~~  ~~~~  ~~~~  ~~~~  ~~~~ +---|--|--|--|---+   20 15 20 15 20	Opasnost od rata, sankcija, inflacije i gubljenja teritorija Emituje se već 10 godina zavijajućim tonom sa prekidima i pregovorima	1. Struju ne treba isključivati jer je nema 2. Dekontaminaciju obaviti posipanjem pepelom, jer nema ni sapuna 3. Pre napuštanja kuće poneti pasoš 4. Mirno i dostojanstveno uputiti se u najbližu neprijateljsku susednu zemlju
----  ----  ----  ----  ----  ----  ----  ----  ---- +---|--|--|--|---+   20 15 20 15 20	Opasnost od kiča Emituje se tupim tonom sa, nažalost, kraćim prekidima	1. Kul i dostojanstveno učlanite se u biblioteku i pročitajte sve o marksizmu 2. Staviti zaštitnu masku (vidi sliku) u zaštitni položaj

 

Najbolji ovogodišnji kostim za Samhain (naravno, otac klinca je unutra)

ALAN FORD

- Mi smo diplomirani glazbenici.

- Na našim diplomama nalazi se potpis Georgea Washingtona.

- Supotpisani je Benjamin Franklin.

- I Muhamed Ali. [99]

            ● ● ●

- Gledajte partiture, glupani! Svaka nota nešto znači, idioti! Nije svejedno je li ona gore ili dolje, blesani! Je li crna ili bijela, kreteni!

- To uopće nismo učili. [99]

            ● ● ●

Broj Jedan: Stojimo ovdje dva sata i očekujemo neke suvisle melodije, ali ništa ne čujemo. Ili je to glazba za gluhe? [99]

            ● ● ●

Tobia: A kraj? Čini se da dolazi prije početka. [99]             ● ● ● Umjesto orkestra nastupaće samo glasovir! Ja sam pravi as, igrao sam na klaviru lijevo krilo. Zvali su me Pele Rubinstein! [99]             ● ● ● Natpis na cvećarnici: "Zatvoreno zbog sna" [100]             ● ● ● Komšija baca drugom komšiji mačku kroz prozor. - Štoooo? Koristite bakteriološko oružje? [100]             ● ● ● Komšija što živi pored cvećarnice: Nebesa, provalnik! Sigurno mi hoće ukrasti radio koji sam platio na 7300 mesječnih otplata! [100]

            ● ● ●

Grunf: Motor je na svom mjestu, ali s paljenjem uvijek problemi. Pokušat ću s ovim svijećicama što sam ih kupio prije 12 godina na skladištu eksploziva. [100]

            ● ● ●

Deda Broja Jedan: Unuče moj najdraži! Baš mi je drago što te vidim! Koliko stoljeća nismo bili zajedno?

Broj Jedan: Pa, čini mi se da smo se posljednji put vidjeli za vrijeme Trećega Punskog rata. Ili je to bio drugi? [100]

(Drugi Punski rat: 218-201. pne; Treći Punski rat: 149-146. pne)

            ● ● ●

Alan: Uvijek sam patio od straha pred zatvorenim prostorom.

Bob: A ja od straha pred strahom. [100]

            ● ● ●

Jeremija: O, da, da! Odmah se osjećam bolje!

Šef: I imaš svoju uobičajenu sivo-zelenu boju. [100]

TITANIK

 "TO DO" LIST

● Wear shirt that says "Life". Hand out lemons on street corner.

● Hire two private investigators. Get them to follow each other.

● Major in philosophy. Ask people why they would like fries with that.

● Go into a crowded elevator and say: "I bet you're all wondering why I gathered you here", with a straight face.

● Make vanilla pudding. Put in mayonaise jar. Eat in public.

● Become a teacher. Make a test where every answer is "C". Ejoy the show. ● Wait until someone is about to sneeze. Right before they do, loudly scream "Pika pika!" ● Run into a store, ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell: "It worked!!!" and run out cheering. ● Buy a horse. Name it "Oscar takes the lead", and enter it in horse races. ● Invite someone into your office, turn around in office chair and say: "I've been expecting you…" ● Change name to Simon. Speak in third person. ● Become a doctor. Change last name to Acula. ● Buy a parrot. Teach the parrot to say: "Help! I've been turned into a parrot!" ● Follow joggers around in a car blasting "Eye of the tiger" for encouragement.

LOCIRAJTE SE

¤        Vi mora da ste iz Škotske ako… (UK/SCO, poglavlje CIII)

5391. Even if you not a huge fan of the "Proclaimers", "Runrig", "Caledonia", "Deacon Blue", "Big Country" etc. you still love it when you're in a club abroad and they play something Scottish. (you'll probably even ask the DJ to play it…)
5392. You feel bad if you're not outside on a sunny day.
5393. You know when your friend, colleague etc says "fancy a pint?". It's never just the one pint, more like at least 4 or 5.
5394. You feel special if you can speak another language in addition to English.
5395. You are shocked to discover that you can't drink tap water abroad and must buy bottled water. Also you find water in England, Denmark etc just doesn't taste anywhere near as nice as Scottish water.
5396. You used to get up really early on a Saturday/Sunday to watch cartoons when you were a kid. You watched Glen Michael's "Cartoon Cavalcade" on a Sunday afternoon with his sidekick oil lamp called Paladin. You remember Glen giving Paladin a good hard stroke!

5397. You can quite happily spend a whole day in the pub! 5398. A full English Breakfast is transformed into a Scottish Breakfast by adding Stornoway black pudding, potato scones, rashers of fried Ayrshire bacon, fried haggis, dod of fried mushrooms/fried tomatoes, square sausage and baked beans (just to prove not everything we eat is fried!). 5399. You say sorry to someone who has bumped into you even though it was them. The other person should say sorry at exactly the same time as you say it. Note: This scenario changes if they made you spill your pint in a pub as a consequence of the bump. (see #5400) 5400. You have participated in or witnessed people having a "square go". 5401. You will wait and hold the door for someone 100 metres behind you in case you cause offence. 5402. You roll your R's like the Spanish, you say "grrreen" or a la Tommy Sheridan - Utter Garrrbage.

5403. You attempt to use your legal tender Scottish Pound notes in England and then have to argue for 5 minutes to make them accept it or just walk out of a shop in disgust.
5404. You are in the USA and are constantly told: "I love your accent, it's so… sexy!"
5405. You are in the USA and are asked: "Say buddy, where in Ireland are you from?"
5406. There are no lakes, only lochs. (well… apart from Lake of Menteith)
5407. Castles are no big deal and you are oddly fascinated by how excited tourists get talking about them.
5408. You were given an Oor Wullie or Broons Annual at Christmas.
5409. You have come in from the pub pissed with flatmates and watched an episode of "Weirs Way" engrossed by a little guy with a bobbly hat walking around Scotland.

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