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EN630 - Nedelja, 29. V 2016./7535.
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POOL RULES
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Bazen
je ovde isuviše plitak da bi skakali u njega – ili ćete poginuti ili
ćete se ozbiljno povrediti |
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Sa slomljenim vratom teško da možete uživati u vašem odmoru. |
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Ako skočite u bazen odavde, tražićemo da smesta odete, a i prebićemo vas – ako preživite. |
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Ako poginete, kremiraćemo vas i nahranićemo
mačke sa vašim ostacima. Onda ćemo reći vašim roditeljima da ste zadnji
put viđeni kako šmrčete heroin sa kurvama. |
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A sada ćemo, vaša
visosti, porazgovarati o lokaciji vaše sakrivene pobunjeničke kutije sa
keksima… |
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YO
MOMMA…
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Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no
professionals."
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Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
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Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
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Yo momma so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
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Yo momma so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for
Star
Wars.
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Yo momma so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle,
they put
it around her neck
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Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
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Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the
surveillence
cameras
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Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
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Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the
dogs to
play with her.
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Yo momma so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people
say
"Damn, is it Halloween already?"
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Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
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Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
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Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry.
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Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12
hours... for a
quote!
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Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
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Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies wont talk to her!
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Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
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Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
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Yo momma so ugly The NHL banned her for life
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Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
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Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try
to bury
her.
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Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away.
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Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
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Yo momma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
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Yo momma so old her birth certificate says "Expired" on it.
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Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
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Yo momma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
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Yo momma so old she ran track with dinosaurs.
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Yo momma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.
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Yo momma so old she sat behind Jesus in the third grade.
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Yo momma so old even God calls her "mother"!
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Yo momma so old she was Jesus Wet Nurse
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Yo momma so old shes blind from the big bang
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Yo momma so poor she cant afford to pay attention!
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Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush!
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Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"
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Yo momma so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
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Yo momma so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
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Yo momma so poor she drives a peanut.
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Yo momma so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air
conditioning.
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Yo momma so poor burglars break in her house and leave money
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Yo momma so poor you go out for sunday pushes of the skateboard
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Yo momma so dark she went to night school and was marked absent!
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Yo momma so dark that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.
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Yo momma so dark when people refer to Darkness comming in the future
they refer
to her next visit.
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Yo momma so dark they made a movie of her heart transplant called "From
the darkest heart of
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Yo momma so dirty she has to creep up on bathwater.
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Yo momma so short you can see her feet on her drivers lisence!
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Yo momma so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
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Yo momma so short she can play handball on the curb.
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Yo momma so short she does backflips under the bed.
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Yo momma so short she models for trophys.
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Yo momma so short she poll vaults with a toothpick
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Yo momma so short she is the original Q-tip ●
Yo momma so nasty she made speed stick slow down. ●
Yo momma so nasty she brings crabs to the beach ●
Yo momma so nasty she made right guard turn left. ●
Yo momma so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave ●
Yo momma so nasty that her sh*t is glad to escape. ●
Yo momma so nasty lice consider her a great vacation place ●
Yo momma so nasty Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off |
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Yo momma so nasty she gotta put ice down her drawers to keep the crabs
fresh!
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Yo momma so nasty I called her for phone sex and she gave me an ear
infection.
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Yo momma so nasty she was declared quarentine since before she was born
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Yo momma so nasty she joined the four horseman: war, death, famine,
disease and
Yo momma
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Yo momma so nasty the bitches teeth look like she got jumped by the
Cavity
Creeps!!!
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Yo momma so nasty she went swimming and now we have the dead sea
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Yo momma so nasty skunks run from her
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Yo momma like potato chips-- Fri-to Lay
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Yo momma like a screen door, after a couple bangs she tends to loosen
up!
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Yo momma like the pillbury doughboy - everyone gets a poke!
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Yo momma like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn!
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Yo momma like a TV set, even a three year old can turn her on!
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Yo momma like a bus, fifty cents and shes ready to ride!
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Yo momma like a golf course, everyone GETS a hole in one!
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Yo momma like the railway system, she gets laid all over the country!
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Yo momma like a tomato source bottle, everyone gets a squeeze out of
her!
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Yo momma like a shotgun: one cock and she blows!
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Yo momma like a hardware store: 4 cents a screw!
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Yo momma like "Dominos pizza" - Something for nothing
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Yo momma like a refridgerator: everyone likes to put their meat in her!
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Yo momma like cake mix: 15 servings per package!
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Yo momma like a rifle... four cocks and she's loaded.
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Yo momma like a bus: guys climb on and off her all day long.
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Yo momma like a
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Yo momma like Orange Crush: "Good Vibrations!"
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Yo momma like a bubble-gum machine: five cents a blow ●
Yo momma like chinese food: sweet, sour and cheap! ●
Yo momma like a vaccuum cleaner.....a real good suck. ●
Yo momma like a potatoe chip seller on ●
Yo momma like castlebury stew: servings are family size ●
Yo momma so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth! ● Yo momma so hairy shes got afros on her nipples! ●
Yo momma so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock. |
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Yo momma so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!
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Yo momma so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody
calls her
Hair Jordan.
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Yo momma so hairy she looks like a Chia Pet with an afro!
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Yo momma so hairy she shaves with a weedwhacker
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Yo momma so slutty she could suck-start a Harley!
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Yo momma so slutty she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball!
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Yo momma so slutty when she got a new mini skirt, everyone commented on
her
nice belt!
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Yo momma so slutty she had her own "Hands across her ass" charity
drive
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Yo momma so slutty John Holmes just looked at her and got
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Yo momma so slutty she is known as Homecomming Disease
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Yo momma so slutty she has Trojan written on her gumline.
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Yo momma nose so big she makes Pinochio look like a cat!
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Yo momma so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid!
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Yo momma so greasy she sweats Crisco!
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Yo momma so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her
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Yo momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has
two jobs.
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Yo momma so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio
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Yo momma so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.
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Yo momma so skinny she turned sideways and dissapeared.
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Yo momma so bald even a wig wouldnt help!
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Yo momma so bald you can see whats on her mind
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Yo momma so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed.
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Yo momma so flat she's jealous of the wall!
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Yo mommas glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can
seen people
waving.
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AUTOSTOPERSKI VODIČ KROZ GALAKSIJU
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Ja znam da
astrologija nije nauka, - reče Gejl. – Reč je naprosto o proizvoljnom
skupu
pravila kao što su šah, tenis ili... kako se zvaše ona čudna stvar koju
igrate
vi Britanci?
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Ovaj, kriket?
Samoprebacivanje?
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Parlamentarna
demokratija.
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Nije,
zapravo,
baš Bog zna kako marila za tragove na svom travnjaku. Tragovi na njenom
travnjaku su mogli da odu i skoče kroz prozor što se nje tiče.
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Pade
joj na pamet
kako je pokušaj da živiš u skladu sa nekakvim planom kao da pokušavaš
da kupiš
sastojke za neki recept u supermarketu. Dobiješ jedna kolica koja
naprosto neće
da idu u pravcu u kome ih gurneš i završiš tako što moraš da kupiš
potpuno
druge stvari.
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To
su pokazali
slavni opiti sa sendvičima sa haringom, sprovođeni pre više milenijuma
na
"Maksimegalonskom institutu za sporo i mukotrpno otkrivanje
iznenađujuće
očiglednih stvari"
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Jedina
stvar koja
je sprečavala da sendviču sa haringama ne dosadi čitav posao i ne
otpuzi u
potragu za drugim načinom ubijanja vremena bilo je to što je taj isti
sendvič
bio za nijansu manje svestan onoga što se dešava, nego robot.
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Nestruktuiranost,
preplaćenost, neorganizovanost, prealkoholiziranost. I sve to samo što
se tiče
urednika.
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Ovaj
je disao
prilično lako. Fordu pade na pamet da bi disao još lakše kada mu težina
novčanika ne bi pritiskala grudi.
Radi dobrodošlice za posetioce u holu za solaske su
istakli sliku predsednika ŠtaSad, nasmešenog. Bila je to jedina njegova
slika koju je iko uspeo da pronađe, a napravljena je ubrzo pošto se
ustrelio, pa je zato, iako je slika bila retuširana najbolje što se
moglo, osmeh na njegovom licu izgledao prilično sablasno. Za
fotografiju nije pronađena zamena kao što nije pronađena zamena ni za
predsednika.
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Glavni trgovački artikal bile su kože vodoveprova,
ali trgovina tu baš nije cvetala, jer niko pri zdravoj pameti ne bi
kupio kožu vodovepra. Ipak, nekako je opstajala za dlaku, zbog toga što
je u Galaksiji uvek postojao značajan broj ljudi koji nisu pri zdravoj
pameti.
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Glavne delatnosti su bile lov, dranje i korišćenje
za ishranu lokalnih vodoveprova, koji su bili jedina preživela
životinjska vrsta na planeti, budući da su sve druge davno izumrle od
očajanja.
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Tu, sa leve strane odaje, sakupljali
su se izveštaji od terenskih istraživača po svim zakucima Galaksije,
ubacivali
se pravo u mrežu kancelarija pomoćnika urednika, gde su sve dobre
delove
isecale sekretarice zbog toga što su pomoćnici urednika trenutno izašli
negde
na ručak. Preostali primerci potom su se prebacivali do drugog dela
zgrade gde
je bilo smešteno pravno odelenje. Ono je isecalo sve što je još bilo
makar i
izdaleka valjano i ispaljivalo ostatak do odgovornih urednika, koji su
takođe
bili na ručku. I zato bi sekretarice odgovornih urednika pročitale
materijal,
rekle da je glupav i isekle najveći deo onoga što je preostalo.
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Kompjuterski
terminal nije neki tamo rashodovani TV sa pisaćom mašinom ispred njega.
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Stvar
za koju mu
je bilo potrebano tri i po minuta bilo je programiranje kompjutera da
ne
primeti da je išta primetio.
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Obratio
se
"Autostoperskom vodiču kroz Galaksiju". Pogledao je pod
"pomoć", a tamo je pisalo "Videti pod »savet«".
Pogledao je pod "savet", a tamo je pisalo "Videti pod »pomoć«".
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Rešenje kviza sa treće strane: Bred Pit (Brad Pitt, 1963)
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