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EN688 - Nedelja, 30. VII 2017./7524.

Logo Leteći bumbar No.688

U ovom broju donosimo:

2. Živu kokošku u kofer, pa u Grčku

            Nebulozna pitanja postavljena turističkim agencijama ovog leta

4. Špigl – dvojnici poznatih

            Foto-feljton: Dvojnici poznatih

4. Osveta je slatka (3/3)        Engleski jezik

            Šta uraditi kad vam neko stane na žulj?

7. Sâm svoj nadrimajstor

            Male kućne majstorije (ili skarabudži)

7. Crni Guja

            Odabrani dijalozi iz popularne serije

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Vremenska prognoza

ŽIVU KOKOŠKU U KOFER, PA U GRČKU

            Koliko je duboka voda ako uđem u plićak do kolena ili pod kojim su uglom krivine do manastira - samo su neka od "filozofskih" pitanja koja su naši turisti postavili ovog leta zaposlenima u agencijama. "Biseri" turista su svojstveni svim nacijama, pa je tako veliki broj i onih koji su nasmejali srpske turističke radnike.

            Jedan od "bisera" koji će obeležiti ovu sezonu je razgovor s mladićem koji je tražio mesto u Grčkoj čijeg imena nije mogao da se seti, a koje počinje na slovo "L". Posle nabrajanja: Lefkada, Leptokarija, Litohoro, Larisa, on se setio: "Mislim da se zove last minit!"

            U jednoj agenciji je roditelj pitao: "Da li mogu u sobu da dodam još jedno dete", a kada su ga pitali koliko mališan ima godina, on je odgovorio - 24. Da nije reč o šali, govori još jedan primer roditelja koji je proverio da li dete plaća samo avio-kartu, a kada su ga pitali koliko ima godina, on je rekao - 27. Tinejdžeri u Srbiji vole duže da spavaju, sudeći po sledećem slučaju: let za Rodos je bio planiran u sedam časova ujutro, a roditelji su pitali da li može to da bude nešto kasnije, zbog deteta koje, inače, ima 13 godina.

            Da u Srbiji deca uvek ostaju deca, dokaz je i majka koja je pitala: "Da li dete od 12 godina može da deli krevet s nama, pošto ionako spava s nama?" Još jedna potvrda toga je i primer čoveka koji je molio da krene dva dana posle grupe, jer mu mama ne da da ide na more. Inače, on je putovao sa ženom i ćerkom!

            Na pitanje šalterske radnice: "Znači, tri osobe su u pitanju", roditelj je sasvim ozbiljan odgovorio: "Da, dvoje odraslih i dvoje dece."

            Za pojedine naše turiste geografija i nazivi stranih letovališta su najslabije tačke. Tako su se mogli čuti zahtevi poput "hoću apartman na atoskom pršljenu". Teško je bilo odgovoriti na pitanje našeg turiste kojeg je zanimalo gde će biti za sat vremena ako legne 

Zlatni Pjasci

na dušek u Leptokariji i zaspi... Još jedan biser glasi: "Kažete lepa Sitonija, a na kom je ona prstenu?"

            To je sve bezazleno u odnosu na pitanje mladog para da li u Tunisu mogu da iznajme rentakar, jer planiraju da odu na jedan dan do Egipta i vide piramide?! Drugi je još u Beogradu pitao, pošto nije bilo mesta u avionu za Hurgadu, da li može da krene kolima. Jedan turista na Krfu je sa zanimanjem pitao vodiča: "Šta vam je taj Vido?"

            Dobrostojeća mlada dama je tražila kombinaciju pet dana odmora na Santoriniju i pet na Kefaloniji, a ona će sama da se prebaci brodićem... Još je zanimljivija bila gospođa koja je tražila da ide nekud na odmor, ali uz napomenu: "Neću more, planinu, banju, jezero, obilaske gradova, terme, krstarenje... sve sam to već obišla!"

Ulazak na plažu

            "Da li odrednica ½ soba znači da ćete drugu polovinu sobe dati nekom drugom", upitao je mlađi bračni par. Jedna porodica je bila izričita da neće aranžman za ostrvo Tasos, jer neće imati gde da beže ako krene cunami. Mlađi par je bio izričit da neće mesta gde idu Srbi, već samo u Olimpsku regiju (koja ima ubedljivo najviše naših turista).

            "Ne prija mi otpozadi i unazad, samo da napomenem da to neću da prihvatim u autobusu!" - pored ove napomene vremešne turistkinje, bila je još zanimljivija zamerka starije gospođe koja je na kraju putovanja rekla: "Ovo je nečuveno, mi ceo put vozača videli nismo!"

            Ipak, ne stignu svi glatko na destinaciju, jer su jednu gospođu vratili sa granice pošto joj je pasoš isečen. Ona je priznala da ga je sama isekla, jer nije mogao da stane u novčanik!

            U jednoj agenciji su tražili direktora s pitanjem da li da dete u pasoš upišu olovkom ili hemijskom. On je, ubeđen da se šale, rekao da je

hemijskom bolje, jer olovkom može da se obriše. Vratili su ih sa granice, a porodica je zbog toga tražila pare nazad od agencije. "Da li mi sigurno ne treba viza za Tunis? Znači da ne vadim pasoš.", konstatacija je jednog turiste u agenciji.

            Pravi haos na graničnom prelazi Evzoni izazvao je turista na čiju je torbu režao pas grčkih carinika. Svi su bili ubeđeni da je droga i šokirali su se kad su videli da je unutra živa kokoška vezanih nogu! Ovaj bagaž je "opravdao" željom da mu se meso do Grčke ne pokvari.

            Frižideri sa hranom su bolje rešenje, a to je mislila i majka sa sinom koja je uplatila hotel "Delfin palas" sa uslugom "ultra ol inkluziv" u Antaliji. Na pitanje zbog čega nosi ručni frižider sa hranom u hotel gde u svakom trenutku ima šta da se jede, vodiču je odgovorila: "Za svaki slučaj."

            Naši putnici postavljaju i sledeća pitanja: kada je najbolje vreme da ručaju, da li su "umbrele inkluzivne", da li je kafa tri evra sa penom ili bez nje, da li u hotelu seku paradajz na kriške ili kolutove, kao i koje će boje biti kuhinja. Naime, svi žele crvenu kuhinju. U isto vreme, svi se žale na crvene pokrivače, koji su im "psihotični".

            Zanimljiv je i primer apsolventkinje beogradskog fakulteta čija uplata nikako da legne, pa joj je sugerisano da donese "treći primerak". Kada su ga videli, u agenciji su bili zgranuti, jer je bio naslovljen na "Petra Petrovića", kao što piše u opštem primeru

 

Baksuzi i zle snaje

            Dame u najboljim godinama često sve okreću na šalu, pa je jedna tako pitala: "Da li imate nešto u Crnoj 

Gori za nas baksuze što imamo žive muževe?" Drugu je interesovala procedura: "Dobro, ja sad uplatim letovanje, a šta ako moj muž umre? Ne znate vi njega, veliki je on baksuz." Zanimljiva je bila molba jednog turiste koji je tražio da se vaučer pošalje na njegovu adresu, ali ulaz dole, uz obrazloženje: "Ako to ne uradite, zla snaja će mi uzeti ugovor, jer ona životari gore!"

 

Nikiti ili Nakiti?

            Pojedini naši turisti imaju naviku da sve nazive "posrbe", pa dabl-deker zovu "dupli deka bus". Leptokariju zove Leptokratija, Nea Vrasna je Nea Astra, Vurvuru je Vuvuvuvu, a Pefkohori je - Peskofori, Parafonija, Pertohori... Filoksenija je Psiholenija, a Nikiti zovu "srednji prst Nakiti".

(izvor: novosti.rs)

ŠPIGL – DVOJNICI POZNATIH

Vučić → Gospođa iz autobusa

TLL 688

OSVETA JE SLATKA

(nastavak iz prethodnog broja)

         My parents told me when I was 4 years old, my older sister had thrown my new toy truck over the fence intentionally. My dad said he then watched me go into the fridge, grab my sisters cup of juice and mix it with ketchup, mayonnaise, salt, some banana

            After that my dad told me I walked into her room and handed her the cup and said (with the lisp i once had) "I forgive you sissy"

(14 points)

        Kid stole my water bottle. I opened it up and left it inside his backpack.

(11 points)

        A few weeks ago I saw a sale in an expensive boutique store. I really liked one dress, it was one of a kind, but was a size smaller for me (I wear XS, the dress was XXS). While wondering if I should try it on, another customer, a very skinny, older woman ripped the dress out of my hands and bluntly told me my "wide hips" wouldn't fit in it. I took the dress back and told her my 13-year old cousin will love it. And I did actually buy the dress for my cousin. She loved it!

(11 points)

        I actually did this with pants once, I am 7'4 (223cm), so long ass legs, they don't really make them that long so while waiting for my custom ones I was just gonna grab shorts, and a worker (female) grabs them and tells me it won't fit cause I'm too large, I'm too tall for shorts, so I literally grabbed it from her and as childish as it sound held it over her and watched as she tried to climb me to get it, her manager came over and asked wut was happening.

She: He will not fit in those.

Me: How do you know there for me?

She: You were going to the changing rooms.

Manager: You were following him?

She: Yes! He's too big. He won't fit in the pants, he won't fit in the rooms, he doesn't fit in here!

Me: You don't know that! maybe I'm here for my dog, maybe he's waiting in the room for his pants!

            The Manger just starts laughing at that and tell the girl to hit the back, and says she will talk with her, then she gave me 50% off, the shorts ended up fitting my friend not me

Tišina i deca

(11 points)

        Well, when I was younger, my older brother used to pick on me all the time - punch me and such. I had dealt with it for years. One day, we were in the backyard just talking, as families do, and out of nowhere I decide that I gonna get my revenge then and there. I ran with my arm out and my hand in a fist, and I hit him right in the junk. I hit him so hard that he dropped to the ground, and I'm happy to say, he cried. To this day, that is still one of my proudest moments. He was 16 and I was 8.

(10 points)

         In school, a boy named Sebastian picked on my 9 yo daughter by constantly calling her a whale and pushing her around because she was chubby. I suggested she started calling him SebastiANUS in from of their classmates. She did and he now learned to think twice before being an arse to other kids.

(10 points)

        I spread Justin Bieber photos all over the outside of his apartment... mainly shirtless. It took me hours to print them out that big. He was on vacation with "his family" (aka his TWO OTHER girlfriends and three children). Record poster size: 10ft by 7ft. Nobody called the cops and some of the neighbors actually helped. One of them even let me use his Go Pro to film his "Surprise." I dumped him then and there.

(10 points)

        Back in college, I was sitting in the library trying to work on an assignment. All was quiet for a while until this one obnoxious guy came in and sat at a table near me and proceeded to pull out his phone and have the loudest, most obnoxious conversation with one of his friends. Lots of "BRO, SERIOUSLY BRO?" and yadda yadda. I was about to pack up my things and find somewhere else to work when the conversation turned to Netflix. The guy told his friend he should just use his account, and proceeded to loudly state his email address and password for all to hear. This was too good of an opportunity for me to pass up, so I promptly logged in and navigated to the "LGBT" section and started adding the gayest movies I could find to the top of the queue.

(9 points)

         My roommate in college and I never really got along. At the end of the semester, I noticed him writing down formulas on a tiny piece of paper- obvious a cheat sheet. When I had the chance, I changed the formulas ever so slightly (turned -s to +s, 1s to 4s, etc). No idea how he did on the final, but I like to think he used all the wrong formulas and failed it.

(9 points)

         There's an eatery here where I live called "Cook out". I love this place. The food is rather good and a decent price. There's a girl who works there in the drive thru and every time I go there she is a complete bitch. Well one day she was being super bitchy and wasn't paying attention. My meal was $8 and some change. I gave her a 10. She gave me back like 13 dollars so I kept it. She deserved it.

(9 points)

Komentar:       Not cool mate. don't you know that when such things happens it's the actual employee having to pay Hey, wait a minute

        Had a horrible boss at one of my tech support jobs, very rude, misogynistic, demanding. So one day took a print screen picture capture jpg of his background, then moved all his icons and short cuts on his desktop to an innocuous folder and put the print screen jpg up as his background. So the shortcuts and the links that appeared to be on desktop were just a picture and were not clickable. He messed around with his computer for hours unable to get it to function normally.

(9 points)

Boratov medved

        Whenever I was at work I would keep an eye on some of the coins I had in my till drawer that weren't "legal tender" in my country. I would then give these to customers who were assholes to me in their change. Muahaha.

(8 points)

        Listing a Playstation 4 as brand new on multiple second hand goods websites, for $50. I used my old landlord's phone number as the contact number, 'cos f*ck that guy. He had to change numbers.

(6 points)

         My brother is 2 years older than I. When I was about 4 and he was 6, he kept picking on me. Pinching me, doing the whole 'I'm not touching you' bit. I told my dad that he was picking on my and my dad jokingly replied "Then punch him in the nose".

            Fun fact: 4 year olds don't understand sarcasm and that kind of humor.

            So I hit my brother in the nose and gave him a bloody nose and he cried. Dad had to leave the room for a few minutes.

(6 points)

        Years ago when a student I worked 8 hours a week in my local supermarket. There were loads of students.

            On one occasion a snotty cow, thinking she was better than the checkout operator, said to her children "if you don't work hard at school you will end up on checkouts like this girl". My friend replied "actually I have just qualified as a doctor".

            I had a secret chuckle. But it didn't matter that she was a doctor that cow shouldn't be looking down on anyone

NM 688

(5 points)

         Speeding up a coworker's double click speed and watch him squirm when his normal double clicking speed isn't working.

(4 points)

        When I was 10, we had to paint birds for art, I was pretty good at art but a girl copied my exact one, even though we had to do different ones and I was not pleased. So while we were cleaning up paint brushes, (the painted birds were placed nearby), I put her painting in the sink with the tap running, pretended it accidentally fell in there and walked away like nothing happened.

(3 points)

 (izvor: Bored Panda)

CRNI GUJA

Crni Guja: Jedva čekam da vidim urnebesnu imitaciju "toplog brata" i onog malog promuklog, koji nije niko poseban, ali je za vrištanje! A posebno bih voleo da vidim ono što stalno glumiš - nemačku noćnu posudu!

Otmičar: Lorde Melčet, srećemo se ponovo.

Melčet: Mislim da se nismo upoznali.

Otmičar: Zar me ne prepoznajete?

Melčet: Ne.

Otmičar: Osvežiću vam pamćenje. Kada ste bili u manastiru u Kornvolu. sećate li se starog pastira s kojim ste često razgovarali?

Melčet: Bože! Dimkins?

Otmičar: Da. Ja samo bio jedna od njegovih ovaca.

Melčet: Jedna od ovaca? Nije valjda…

Otmičar: Da!

Melčet: Pahuljica!

Otmičar: Da!

Melčet: Ali zar mi nismo…

Otmičar: Da, Lorde Melčet!

Melčet: Bože!

Otmičar: Ali dosta sa ugodnim uspomenama…

Melčet: Možda da igramo neku ugodnu igru reči.

Crni Guja: Dobro. napravi rečenicu od ovih reči: Gubicu, gadnu, svoju, začepi.

 

Glasnik: Nakon dugog i pažljivog razmatranja, kraljica je odlučila da novac za otkupninu dâ za...

Kraljica: Za veliku zabavu! Nemoguće mi je da odlučim između moja dva miljenika, pa sam odlučila zadržati novac, dobro se provesti i zaboraviti vas obojicu. Nadam se da niste previše ljuti. Pozdravčić.

 

         C1

- Pa koga biraju na tim izborima?

- Iste kao i obično.

- Debele zemljoposednike Torijevce koji postanu članovi kada dostignu određenu težinu i sulude revolucionare koji misle sa samo zato što rade svaki dan imaju pravo da budu plaćeni.

 

Boldrik: Bolje se pazite, g. Crna Gujo. Stvari se mogu promeniti.

Crni Guja: Ne dok je Pit Stariji premijer. Delotvoran je kao ulaz za mačke u kući slonova.

 

Princ Džordž: Ali za mene su čarape kao seks. Tako ih je mnogo, ali nikad za mene.

 

Crni Guja: Ima jedan čovek koji bi nam mogao biti as u rukavu. Osorni galamdžija po imenu ser Talbot Buksomli.

Princ Džordž: Nikad čuo za njega.

Crni Guja: To nimalo ne iznenađuje. Ser Talbot se najmanje pojavljuje u parlamentu. Jedini put kada je ušao u parlament, pomokrio se u velikoj dvorani i onesvestio se u govorničkoj stolici.

 

Trampov zid

Ser Talbot (o Pitu Mlađem): Proklete mu bile oči! Proklete mu bile pantalone! Prokleta mu bila bara za patke!

Princ Džordž: Ura za to!

Ser Talbot: Nije me briga ako ste sin proverenog ludaka zaljubljenog u kiseli kupus! Nije me briga što se oblačite kao poludeli papagaj i pričate kao tanjir pasulja koji pokušava da prođe kroz probavni sistem krave! Ne smeta meni što ima komada limunove kore koji plutaju Temzom, a koji bi bili bolji vladari od vas! Stvar je u tome da ste vi vladar! Izabrao vas je Bog!

Friz

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