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Nedelja, 24. VII 2005.
U
ovom broju donosimo:
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1.
Ameba (epizode: 33 i 34) Naša ASCII sapunica 1. Sedmi nastavak Harry
Pottera (2/2)
Budući
naslovi koje možemo očekivati |
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4.
Moje ime Karakter ljudi kojima ime počinje na G 4.
Mrvice sa školske
trpeze (½) Odvale iz saobraćajne škole u Smederevu 7.
Mućke Najbolji citati iz kultne britanske serije "Only fools and horses" 7.
Sokrat
Priča
iz stare Grčke 8.
Gluparije poznatih
(109-121) Razni lapsusi poznatih ličnosti. 8.
Spajdermen (19/20) |
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SEDMI
NASTAVAK HARRY POTTERA
48.
Harry Potter and the Evil Mirror - Harry
zaps himself trying to destroy his "evil twin".
49. Harry Potter Meets Local Goverment - Harry
learns there are things you cannot fix or get to see reason
50. Harry Potter and the Forbidden Door - Harry, Ron, and Hermione discover pornography in Hogwart's local video store behind the door marked XXX!
51. Harry Potter And Exlax - Harry talks for 800 pages with Moaning Myrtle while constipated in the girl's bathroom.
52. Harry Potter and the 40 Foot Hedgehog - Harry and Spiny Norman team up to torment Dinsdale Piranha, so Dinsdale's brother Doug subjects them to scathing sarcasm and defeats them.
53. Harry Potter and the Holy Grail - Harry teams up with King Arthur and stabs him in the back after retrieving the grail, takes it back to Ron, and gains his heart.
54. Harry Potter And The Evil Buisnessmen - Harry invests in some stock, becomes the main shareholder, and when the stock in going down the drain, uses illegal information to buy himself out. Kind of a Martha Stewart rip-off
55. Harry Potter and the KiddySnuff Gorefest - JK Rowling pushes the "dark" theme to the limit
56. Harry Potter and the Game Over - Harry realizes he was playing his gamecube all along.
57. Harry Potter and the Same Turn of Events as Every Other Book - Just a new title rettoP yrraH - In order to keep sales up JK Rowling reverses all of the book's titles to fool readers into thinking she doesn't have writers block.
58. Harry Potter and the Hairy Potty - JK Rowling finally twigs that she can write any old crap and we'll all buy it anyway.
59. Harry Potter, Betwitched, and the girls from Charmed - The casts from the Harry Potter series, Bewitched, and Charmed must face a committee of Wiccans and other Pagans for ruining the image of otherwise healthy religions. It ends with J. K. Rowling crawling into a corner, ashamed of herself for aiding in the persecution of real witches. 60. Harry Potter and the Weapons of Mass Destruction - Harry and friends are told of a terrible threat to the world by Dumbledore and spend 2628 pages searching for it before they discover that it was all a trick by the old Professor. 61. Harry Potter and the Chick With A Dick - Harry Potter is holidaying in Las Vegas. After drinking too much fine whiskey he finds himself getting married to a strange woman with a fove o'clock shadow by an Elvis impersonator. He takes his new bride home |  |
only to discover that his new wife has magically become a man.
62. Harry Potter in da HOUSE YO! - Harry, growing tired of his arcane wizarding image, gets his hair done in dooky-braid cornrolls, some dollar-sign contacts and a FILA tracksuit, and heads off to the famed mystical land known as "tha Ghetto". Learns more useful spells like "yo' BITCH!" as he spends the majority of the book pimping off Hermoine and Ginny while rollin' in his lowered broom with 20' chrome spinners
63. Harry Potter and the reappearing red dots - Imagine Harry's surprise when he gets his first STD. Will magic be enough to clear it up, or will it take some penicillin?
64. Harry Potter's Church of the Really Big Chicken - Harry reveals his spiritual side when he founds a New Age Church devoted to peace, love and fried chicken.
65. Harry potter and Akira - Harry stumbles across a bright red motorcycle, changes his name to Kaneda, and goes on a quest to defeat his friend.
66. Harry Potter and the Evangelions - Harry is thrust into a world of a catastrophe of religious proportions. Fighting in an biomechanical beast, he is mankind's last hope. Watch as his mind is virtually ripped to shreds. That scar ain't got nothing on this.
67. Harry Potter and the Bedroom of Gary Glitter - Harry discovers a fading stars bedroom and soon realises it was a "bum" story
68. Harry Potter and the Game of Dungeons and Dragons - Harry discovers that if he were a fighter he could actually hurt his enemies.
69. Harry Potter and the Warner Brothers Scandal - Harry, Ron and Hermione sue Warner Brothers for not paying them royalties.
70. Harriet Potter and the Spell That Backfired - After realsing that he has know clue when it comes to dating, Harry finds a spell to help him understand girls better. Unfortunately it goes horribly wrong.
71. Harry Potter, the Make-up Artist, and the Scary Scar - Harry discovers that his scar is just a hardened make-up prosthetics and has nothing to do with Voldemort intending to kill him. He discovers that You-Know-Who is just a make-up artist experimenting on making make-ups look real.
 | 72.
Harry Potter and the Dragon Balls - Harry
goes out searching for seven mysterious yellow crystal balls, which,
when
combined together, let him make a wish. Teaming up with a monkey, a
monkey's
son, a bald guy with spots on his head and a green man from Mars, he
fights his
way through hordes of gey villians who can blow up planets with a
single
energy-blast. Hold onto your Kamahemeha's, cause this time, Voldemort's
not the
only one out to destroy the world! 73. Harry Potter vs Colonel Potter - Thats right! The actual last episode of M*A*S*H*! Turns out Harry Potter is a secret "spell casting" spy from North Korea; and you guessed it, Major Frank Burns never left Korea and is working 'hand in hand' with the evil sorcerer in a plot to |
extend the war indefinitely! But Harry Potter, atop his faithful horse Sophie (with a little help from a few allied tanks) kicks ass in a 2 day battle and ends the war with a victory for the good guys!
74. Harry Potter and the Dangerous Sky Dive - Voldemort cuts Harry's parahcute cords so that he falls 20,000 feet to his death.
75. Harry Potter and the Static Shock - Harry uses rubber shoes and nylon carpet to plays a nasty trick on Dumbledore's beard
76. Harry's adventures with the Invisibility Cloak - Harry discovers "things" that he hadn't known about before. Ron joins him and finds out he is "in the closet."
77. Harry Potter Throws a Salad Bowl - Harry Potter takes up pottery
78. Harry Potter And The Scary Emergency Room Trip - Harry's "full sick" double switch-side mute backflip on his broom has neck breaking consequences
79. Harry Potter and the Chocolate Factory - Harry and his friends eat a killer jawbreaker, and the rest of the 400 pages are their autopsies.
80. Hairy Pawter and the Fleas that Wouldn't Go Away
81. Harry Potter and The Complex Plot Twist That Brings Up More Questions Than It Solves So People Will Buy The Next Book - - Harry and Co. get into trouble in the Muggle world. In an attempt to save them Dumbledore disguises himself as an old man, but his spell backfires and he gives himself Alzheimer's. The trio must find a way to get his memory back as Harry begins to find out something about his past that only the Headmaster of Hogwarts knows. Oh, and Hagrid is there too.
82. Harry Potty And The Diaper Of Doom - This is a smaller paged book for the toddler set.
83. Harry Potter Buys Microsoft - Harry save up the money from his books and merchandise and manges to make Windows run without ANY errors. (Definetely fiction.)
84. Hairy Pornstar and the Whipping Bench - Harry discovers he is a Dom and straps Hermione to the Whipping Bench, spanking her with floggers, canes and a paddle before making her grovel on the floor for his magic wand.
85. Harry Potter and the Visit to the Girls Dorm - Harry and Ron put on the invisbility coat to suprise Hermione on her birthday only to find Dumbledore popping out of a cake saying "Whose your daddy?" Is this the end of friendship or a new beggining?
86. Harry Potter in Wonderland - He meets Alice and they lived happily ever after.
91. Harry Potter and the Food Poisoning - Harry spends 956 pages in the hospital after eating some bad sushi.
92. Harry Potter and the Girls Sox - Harry and Hermione discovers the wonderfull world of foot-fetish.
MRVICE SA ŠKOLSKE TRPEZE
Profesor
Zuki
1. Žvaćeš ko da si autobus
2. A Gagić ga nema?!
3. Osakatio sam lekciju!
4. Opasna ženska (misleći na Marinu) (Baba - Profesorka fizike)
5. Za vas će trojke biti naučna fantastika!
6. Skresaću vam ocene
7. Smatra se da ste foliranti
8. Fatanzirate o nekim vašim sposobnostima
Prof.
Tanja
9. Pitaću vas za jedinice
10. Ćuti ti, mala, dok ja kašljem.
11. Ko sve kašlje u ovom odelenju?
12. Ovo je magareći kašalj.
13. Vi spavate, a ja zevam.
14. Nemojte da zevate. Zaspaću! 15. Nakić: Šta sam dobio? / Profesorka: Između 4 i 4+ 16. Kada krenete na more ponesite 20 litara mleka da ne bi skuplje plaćali u Crnoj Gori. 17. Oca njenog majke. 18. Moja baba nije birala sa kim će da se oženi. 19. Sprajt je dobar za glasne žice. 20. On je sedeo na stolici na kojoj je sedeo. Prof.
Joka 21. Mi nemamo više časova u ovom poluvremenu. 22. Želim vam lepo skijanje na stočnoj pijaci. 23. Ne mogu na brzinu da mislim. 24. Kome se to steškilo? |  |
25. Obuo si patike od 500.000 dinara, a ne znaš naše probleme.
26. Svaka baba na pijaci ide jednom nedeljno u Mađarsku.
27. Nakić se igra sa maskom od mobilnog / Joka: Kakva ti to mišolovka?
28. Nećeš možeš jedeš kolače ako je brašno bilo pomešano sa sapunom!
29. Gubite kompas u prostoru i u vremenu.
30. Rugala se sova senici kol'ka joj je glava.
31. A ja izbegavam da vas ispitujem.
32. Svima ću da vam smanjim ocene, a vi se posle žalite zaštiti za vodovod i kanalizaciju.
33. Cisperma
34. Svađa se sa mnom kao da sam joj ja komšinica kojoj je krava ušla u dvoriste da pojede kukuruz.
35. Svađa se sa mnom kao da sam joj ja svekrva.
36. Gde nije dozvoljeno parkirati? Tamo gde je zabranjeno.
37. Nemojte drugog potpisati, ja ću posle analizirati rukopise.
38. Makra: Ja sam imao 5 na polugodištu. / Joka: Pa i ja sam nekad imala 15 godina.
39. Je l' lakše izvaditi zube ili odgovarati?
40. Neko hvali?! (profesorka Ljubina)
41. Vi ste izbačene, možete da sedite tu koliko hoćete!!! (profesorka Ljubina)
Tanja
osnovce (razredna)
42. Nema se šesti!
43. Bio sam u "Lasti" da tražim opravdanje i oni su rekli da ih pozovete ako ne verujete.
44. Šta da slikam sa tim sinus i kosinus?!
45. Od čega gusti sladoled? (mama)
46. Isterajte zlo iz babe uterajte joj dobro. (Marina)
47. Biljka na slovo "C" - Cic karanfil. (Marina)
48. Prevoz je kasnio jer nije imao autobus. (Obradovićka)
 | 49. A to vi malo pravdajte ! (Gača) 50. Gača prelistava "Fazon", naleće na sliku nekog tipa i kaže: "Mogu da se kladim da je ovo neki mnogo dobar dečko". 51. Profesorka psihologije pita Nakića: "Kako se zakopčava dugme?" / Nakić: Oblačenjem! 52. U našem odelenju ima 34 budale, naravno izuzevši sebe. (Vesna) 53. Rajkovićka: Alo! / Vlada: Šta telefoniraš ti tamo?!! 54. Predmet na slovo Đ - Đakuzi kada. (Spira) 55. Grad na slovo N-Njujork. (Makra) 56. Stoške, slikaj semafor da damo Blagoju da zalepi u Kovinu. Ovde čak i u tvrđavi imaju semafore, a on nema u Kovinu. (Gagić) 57. Jednom prilikom poštovani intelektualac našeg odelenja - Vesna |
Petković pozvala je smederevsku "Lastu" i upitala: "Kada imate let za Kovin?". Svom srećom odmah je ukapirala šta je rekla i spustila je slušalicu. Kroz pola sata ponovo je pozvala i upitala: "Izvinite, kada ima let za Kovin?". Opet je ukapirala šta je rekla i spustila je slušalicu. Kroz pola sata pozvala je "Lastu", ali se ovoga puta setila, na svu sreću, da upita kada ima polazak za Kovin.
58. Kad perem vodu. (Rajkovićka)
59. Definitivno sutra bežim iz škole i svi seljaci mogu da me poljube u dupe! (Rajkovićka)
60. Ćuti, razmišljam!
61. Moj nijedan bivši nije nosio rukavice.
62. Titi (za Tweety)
63. Da nas pitate od ovo novo.
64. Zatvorite samicu po njih dvojicu.
65. Školovan intelektualac
Ekskurzija:
66. Ja pričam vic:
- Je l' znaš gde su se upoznali Teletabisi?
- Na "Četvorci" (telefonski servis preko kojeg su 4 osobe mogle istovremeno da razgovaraju, reklamiran na "TV Pink" - prim. red.).
Kole: Šta ti je to "Četvorka"?
Ja: Imaš "Pink"?
Kole: Di ja znam! Kod mene "Pink" nije na 4!!!
67. Ova vodka ima miris alkohola! (Tanja)
68. Ne mog bez njeg (Kole)
69. Nemoj! Trezan sam! Mogu da stojim na jednoj nozi. Tanja je malo pre videla da sam stajala na obe noge. (Kole)
70. Ne mogu da uzdišem više! (Vule)
71. Gura mi noge u gaće! (Vule)
72. Jeste li zalepili Tanji selotep? (umesto hanzaplast) (Vule)
Ćirićka
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73. Posle isturširanja. 74. Jaoooo! Ne znam koji auto imam, kako ću da prepoznam tatu?! 75. Sad nijedna sveska mi ne radi. 76. Speroidni oblik zrna 77. Razredna: Kakvog je on porekla? / Ćirićka: Siromašnog 78. Što si zglobna! (misleći na "zlobna") 79. Izeš mi noge!!! 80. Da vi'š, stojim ja na radijatoru, kad na drugom radijatoru stoji Adamović i nešto mi se smeška. Ju brale, a ja vidim on se pali na mene! 81. Kaže meni Adamović: "Ivana, ovo ti nije ni za četiri ni za pet.", a ja mu kažem:"Pa, zašta je onda? Za šest?" 82. Tanja: Kole pozdravio te Neša! / Kole: Iz donjeg veša. 83. Meni je lakše da učim nešto kad je teško. |
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SOKRAT
U staroj Grčkoj, Sokrat je bio na glasu kao čovjek koji cijeni znanje. Jednog mu je dana prišao poznanik i rekao mu:
- Znaš li što sam upravo čuo o tvom prijatelju?
- Stani malo - odgovori Sokrat. - prije nego išta kažeš, želim napraviti mali test. Zove se "Test trostrukog kriterija"!
- Trostrukog kriterija?!
- Upravo tako. Prije nego počneš pričati o mom prijatelju, mogao bi trenutak razmisliti zadovoljava li to neke kriterije. Prvi kriterij je ISTINA. Da li si potpuno siguran da li je to što mi želiš reći ISTINA?
- Ne. Zapravo sam tek čuo i…
- Dobro. Znači, nisi potpuno siguran da li je to istina ili nije! Da vidimo sada i drugi kriterij, kriterij DOBRA. Da li je to što želiš reći o mom prijatelju, nešto DOBRO?
- Ne, naprotiv…
- Dakle, želiš mi reći nešto loše o njemu, a nisi čak ni siguran je li to točno. Još uvijek možeš proći na testu, jer je ostao još jedan kriterij, kriterij KORISTI! Da li će to što mi želiš reći o mom prijatelju MENI KORISNO?
- Ne, ne baš…
- Pa, ako to što mi želiš reći nije istina, nije dobro i nije meni korisno, zašto bi mi uopće rekao?!
Eto zašto je Sokrat bio veliki mislilac i visoko cijenjena osoba stare Grčke. To također objašnjava zašto nikada nije saznao da mu prijatelj jebe ženu!
GLUPARIJE POZNATIH (109-121)
1. Bio je vjerojatno naš najveći živući slikar - dok nije umro.
vijesti LBC na britanskoj televiziji
2. Većina mojih klišeja nije orginalno.
Chuck Knox, nogometni trener
3. Četiri osobe ubijeno, jedna ozbiljno, a osam njih s težim ozljedama.
članak u novinama Japan Times
4. Oraspoložen njihovim riječima s pozitivnijim stavom prema boksu, ulovio sam se da se prisjećam riječi Marlin Branda iz "On The Waterfront": "Mogao sam biti konobar!"
članak u časopisu "Look Japan"
5. Shvatit ćete da je od velike pomoći ako znate ili izgledate da znate što radite.
Priručnik za poreznike
6. Zube vade najmoderniji metodičari!
zubna reklama u Hong Kongu
7. Ponekad napišu ono što kažem, a ne ono što mislim!
Pedro Guerrero, bejzbol igrač
8. Molimo odložite sve vrijednosti u upravu.
kartica s uputama, Guandong Victory Hotel, Kina
9. Ne obraćajte pažnju na kritičare - nemojte ih ni ignorirati.
Samuel Goldwyn
10. Odite pogledati i sami vidite zašto niste smjeli ići pogledati.
Samuel Goldwyn
11. To nije moja klasa ljudi. Nije bilo nijednog producenta, menadžera, režisera ni glumca.
Zsa Zsa Gabor, na sudu zbog uvrede
12. Obično silovanje i ubojstvo više ne prolaze. Puno je bolje mahnito nasilje, masakr motornom pilom, Drakula s rentgenskim vidom ili potonuli kontinent s izgubljenom čitavom populacijom.
Jon Davidson, objašnjava što čini dobar film
13. Ne samo da je dvoličan, već može bacati s obje ruke!
Duffy Daughtery, nogometni trener i sportski analitičar
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