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Nedelja, 19. VI 2005.
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U ovom broju donosimo: 1. Ameba (epizode: 25 i 26) Na�a ASCII sapunica 1.
Čizmice Slučaj jedne vaspitačice |
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1.
Čista fizika
50 zabavnih načina da iznervirate va�eg profesora fizike 4.
Moje ime
Značenje imena prema početnom slovu, a ove nedelje to je slovo "C" 5.
Doktor blues Pesma je nastala onih dana kada je hrvatski ministar zdravlja oti�ao u Austriju na � lečenje (Nik Titanik: "Va� problem je urolo�ke prirode � boli vas ku*ac za hrvatsko zdravstvo") 6.
T-svijet �ta je "T-svijet"? 7.
Gluparije poznatih
(51-74) Razni lapsusi poznatih ličnosti. 7.
Mućke
Najbolji citati iz kultne britanske serije "Only fools and horses" 8.
Spajdermen (15/20) |
ČIZMICE
Vaspitačica je pomagala jednom mali�anu da navuče svoje kaubojske čizmice. Dečak je zapomagao:
- Vaspitačice, pomozite!
I tako su oboje vukli, gurali, ali nikako nisu mogli da navuku te čizmice. A kad im je to na kraju uspelo, oboje su zadihani seli na klupicu, dečko je pogledao svoje čizmice i rekao:
- Vaspitačice, mi smo čizmice obuli naopako!
Vaspitačica je pogledala i ustanovila da je mali�a u pravu. Smireno je ustala, s manjim naporom skinula čizmice, i onda su opet vukli i gurali, ali ovaj put na ispravne noge. Onda je dečko opet pogledao svoje čizmice i rekao:
- Ali ovo nisu moje čizmice!
Vaspitačica se ugrizla za jezik da ne bi vrisnula.
- I to nisi znao ranije?
I opet je vukla čizmice dole s nogu.
- To nisu moje čizmice, to su čizmice moga brata i mama mi ponekad daje da ih nosim!
Vaspitačica vi�e nije znala da li da se smeje ili da plače i opet je pomogla dečaku da uđe u čizmice. I kada mu je nakon silnog napora pomogla da obuče i kaputić, upitala ga je:
- A gde su ti rukavice?
A mali�an je odgovorio:
- Nagurao sam ih u čizmice!
ČISTA FIZIKA
| 1. Whenever he/she starts talking about vectors,
raise your hand and
ask him/her if this is where you get to use the right hand rule.
2. After he/she finishes deriving an equation, say, "That's nice, but how does it relate to Newton's Laws?" 3. At the beginning of every class, tell him/her that you've just broken a fundamental law of physics or solved an unsolved problem, but that you don't have any proof. For example, "Last night I discovered the Grand Unified Theory, but I lost the piece of paper I wrote it on." 4. If you are ever asked to show your work on a problem, just write (or say) something like, "It is easily shown that this is the answer. I leave the proof of it as an excersize for the reader (or listener)." 5. During labs, continually complain about simplifying the experiment by negelcting things like friction, air resistance, relativistic effects, etc. 6. Remember, your main source of error in labs is God's will - if He wanted the experiment to work, it would have, but since the experiment failed, He obviously didn't want it to work. 7. Tell him that you want a real proof of Schr�dinger's wave equation - none of this demonstration about how it was arrived at. 8. If you don't have your homework for collection, say that the mass of the paper your homework was written on spontaneously annihilated in order to make time go forward. 9. Make the professor use colored chalk. Then when he/she does, complain that he/she is playing favorites and all the colors aren't being used equally - "Equal rights for every color!" 10. At the same time during every lecture, slowly lift yourself up |  |
out of your chair and cry out, "Look! Anti-gravity!" As soon as the professor turns to look at you, let yourself fall back into your chair, shrug your shoulders and say, "Guess not."
11. Solve all mechanics problems using only Newton's Laws and solve all E&M problems using only Maxwell's equations. Or even better yet, solve mechanics problems using Maxwell's equations and E&M problems usin Newton's Laws.
12. Use only Newton's Laws to solve classical mechanics problems and only the Schr�dinger equation to solve quantum mechanics problems. Better yet, use the Schr�dinger equation to solve classical mechanics problems and Newton's laws to solve quantum mechanics problems.
13. Claim to be Mr. C.G. H. Tompkins and say that you have actually seen things like relativistic length contraction and quantum mechanical tunnelling.
 | 14. Threaten to renormalize his/her wave function
to zero over all
space and time. If you could do that, then not only would he/she not
exist now,
he/she would never have existed at all!
15. Always plot your data with the X and Y axes reversed. 16. Convince your professor to be your lab partner and then blame all of your sources of error on him/her. 17. Whenever you cover topics that have hard-to-visualize concepts, keep asking the professor to draw you a picture of it so that you can see what it looks like. 18. Any time he/she mentions blackbody radiation, claim that he/she is being racist and that he/she should use the politically correct term "continuous thermal radiation." |
19. Try to confuse him/her with sentences or questions containing a bunch of unrelated things, but sound like they could actually mean something. For example, "Why not just write the answer as a contour integral in the complex plane of a fourth order tensor in Minkowski space-time?" It helps to sound like you know what you're talking about, too.
20. Never round your answers. "Significant digits? Who needs them?"
21. Always use the full values of known constants and carry out as many decimal places as possible (e.g., c = 2.99792458E8 m/s�). This is the most fun for pi (π = 3.141592653589793238462643383279... you get the idea) and other numbers like that.
22. When the professor requests that your solutions be given in MKS units, use CGS units instead. Likewise, when the professor asks that your solutions be given in CGS units, give them in MKS instead. When it doesn't matter, use the tie-breaker: the English system.
23. Get into an argument with your professor as to why a particle in a one-dimensional box should really be called a particle following the path of a straight line.
24. Determine the wave function for the Lithium atom at its ground state and take the adjoint of the matrix used to determine the function. Nasty stuff.
25. Always blame the manufacturer of the lab equipment that you are using for experimental error in any lab experiments.
26. Use semi-log paper for graphs when no logarithms need to be taken, and use normal paper when logarithms need to be taken.
27. When taking a test, and a problem asks you to find the area under a curve, ask your professor for a sheet of paper of the same type that your test was printed on, a scale, and a pair of scissors. (Hope the professor is eccentric enough to grant your request.) Cut out the curve for which you need the area, and a square of known area from the blank piece of paper. Weigh the square, then weigh the curve. Set up a proportion to solve for the area under the curve. Say that you had a memory lapse, and forgot how to integrate.
that you are attempting to tunnel through the wall and prove that macroscopic tunnelling is possible. "There is a non-zero probability that I can tunnel through the wall, so if I run into the wall often enough, eventually I should be able to go through it!"
33. Refuse to use any Greek letter, particularly that scribble of a letter, lowercase xi. Alternatively, substitute Klingon letters for Greek.
34. The solution to any astronomy related problem is "Warp Drive." If asked for clarification, say, "It's simple. Invent warp drive and then just go to the star or whatever it is you want to know about. It's the best way to test your theories!"
35. When the professor asks you to explain the concept of the theory of relativity, use a diagram. Put your name at the top and draw two branches from your name. Then put your parent's name. Everybody on the diagram should be relative.
36. Attempt to answer any astronomy related question using Star Trek. For example, blame the slow advance of technology on the Romulans.
37. Refuse to study any particle physics unless you can use a particle accelerator or cyclotron to actually see some reactions.
38. Complain any time the professor does not give a rigorous mathematical proof, but instead uses "physical intuition" or a "hand-waving" argument. 39. When describing Newton's laws of conservation, give answers from the GOP's Contract with America. 40. If a Physics professor gives a demonstration of a pendulum in the class, do the following. Set the pendulum up, and place the prof in the strategic location. Set the pendulum up so that it swings up close to the prof's nose. Once this is done, hold the pendulum up to the prof's nose. Then, give the pendulum a good shove. Don't just let go of the pendulum. You must shove it. Prof gets a broken nose and should thoroughly be annoyed. 41. Start hanging a magnetic tape up in the middle of class, stringing it as far across the room as you can possibly get, and explain that you're setting up a catenary. 42. Make coffee in the middle of physics class, and stick a thermometer in the pot to demonstrate Newton's Law |  |
of Cooling. The smell should thoroughly annoy the prof and effectively distract the class, especially on Monday mornings.
43. When asked to show the symbols used for "Bra-Ket" notation, draw a bra for the bra part and a kite for the ket part. Call it "Bracket" notation in class, too. Not "Bra-Ket" notation.
44. When asked to demonstrate the properties of a gas that is heavier than air, pour some bromine vapor into a styrofoam cup and pass it around. The whole class will gag.
45. When in the Physics lab, and asked to demonstrate projectile motion, get out the dartboard and play a game of darts. Of course, to really annoy the professor, you can aim the darts at him/her. This guarantees an F in the course.
46. Never take a linear regression of a line. Always take the linear regression of curves or parabolas.
47. Charge a capacitor to full capacity and then short it out to make that cool spark and pop sound. Likewise, charge the capacitor until the thing just explodes.
48. When asked to demonstrate Newton's law, throw some of the weights used for the balances at the professor. Tell the professor that the sting of the weight hitting his/her face is the result of the mass of the weight times the acceleration you forced on it plus drag due to gravity. You can be scientific about this. Is pain intensity a function of the weight of the mass? Or does pain remain constant?
49. This requires some technical skill. Replace an oscilliscope screen with that of a small television set. The little knobs can be used to change the channel. What would be even more annoying is to make the picture roll.
50. Build a bridge out of toothpicks in E&M lab. Put a sign on it. "Wheatstone." Don't forget to put it across a small puddle of water on your lab bench.
DOKTOR BLUES
Pesma je nastala onih dana kada je hrvatski ministar zdravlja oti�ao u Austriju na � lečenje
Doktore, mrzim svaki nalaz tvoj. Zbog tebe ja mrzim �ivot svoj. Kad nakon tol'ko godina odjednom sam bolan ja, to se te�ko prihvaća. U bolnicu kada pođem ja, prati me pet-�est rođaka. Domaći doktori ne bi znali pomoći jo� bi me na groblje spremili. Al' na sreću ja sam ministar. Za na�e zdravstvo zaboli me kar. Zemlja Austrija ima pravih doktora, ima pravog ministra. |  |
A vas, sitnog zuba tamo nema.
Na�e zdravstvo vama tretman sprema.
Prvo narud�ba
pa godine čekanja
i euri s bocom "Whiskeya".
Raduje me jedna istina.
Iz Austrije vratit ću se ja.
Bit ću opet zdrav,
bijelih kuta ja sam car,
genijalni, zdravstva ministar.
T-SVIJET
�T-svijet je let ptice
T-svijet su Sevine cice.
To je kad netko priča bajke,
to je sponzor Ede Maajke.
T-svijet je pčela roj.
T-svijet je kravlji gnoj.
to je firma �to kida �ivce,
to su tro�kovi za nas naivce.
T-svijet je zaron gnjurca.
T-svijet je sviranje kurca.
To je kri�anac �vabe i Ere
To je lopovluk �to pare bere.
T-svijet je podnevna rosa.
T-svijet je u ćelavca kosa.
To mo�e samo kod nas bit,
u banana zemlji �to ode v rit.
GLUPARIJE POZNATIH (51-74)
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1. Najveći Bo�ji dar je da vam nećak umre u naručju! Celine Dion 2. Zadah moje mačke smrdi po mačjoj hrani! Ralph Wiggum, The Simpsons 3. Najbolje se osjećam kad sam potpuno sretna! Winona Ryder 4. Da, 11. rujan bio je doista nesretan dan. Geri Halliwell 5. Nismo spremni na nepredviđene događaje koji se mogu i ne moraju desiti. Dan Qayle |
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6. Dogovor se najbolje ispunjava onda kad svaka strana dobije ne�to �to je htjela od druge.
Donald Trump
7. Jedva da se mo�e procijeniti gdje zavr�avaju kompjutorski modeli, a počinju stvarni dinosauri.
Laura Dern, komentirajući "Jurassic Park"
8. Mogu napraviti sve �to �elite od mene, dok god ne moram govoriti!
Linda Evangelista
9. Jedini sretan umjetnik je mrtav umjetnik jer se jedino tada ne mo�e promijeniti. Nakon �to umrem, vjerojatno ću se vratiti kao slikarski kist!
Sylvester Stallone
10. Izvan svoje zabavljačke vrijednosti, "Baywatch" je obogatio i u nekim slučajevima pomogao spasiti �ivote. Veselim se prilici da nastavim s projektom koji ima takvo značenje.
David Hasselhoff
11. U akcijskom filmu glumite u akciji, a u dramskom �anru, glumite u drami.
Jean-Claude Van Damme
12. Molimo da ne hranite �ivotinje. Ako imate kakvu prikladnu hranu, dajte ju de�urnom čuvaru.
znak u zoolo�kom vrtu u Budimpe�ti
13. Karate je borilačka vje�tina kojom su ljudi nakon godina vje�be, slu�eći se samo rukama i nogama, snimili najgore filmove u povijesti.
Dave Berry
14. Zaradit ćete tisuće dolara dnevno ne radeći ni�ta.
natpis na komadiću papira u kolačiću sreće
15. Zebra ne mijenja svoje točke.
Al Gore
16. Molimo, uklonite svu va�u odjeću kad se ugase svjetla.
natpis na praonici ve�a
17. Mo�emo popraviti bilo �to. Molimo kucajte jer zvono ne radi.
natpis na nekom dućanu
18. Trenutno se toliko stvari događa da je sve u stanju mirovanja.
Sir Boyle Roche
19. Svaki put kad Detroit osvoji sto bodova ili protivničku ekipu ostavi ispod sto, gotovo uvijek pobjede.
Doug Collins, komentator ko�arke
20. Sređujem se samo za vjenčanja, pogrebe i fine restorane!
Dan Daly
21. Iza svakog uspje�nog mu�karca stoji iznenađena punica.
Hubert Humphrey
22. �ivjet ću vječno, ili ću barem umrijeti trudeći se!
Joseph Heller
23. Računala su beskorisna, samo mogu dati odgovore.
P. Picasso
24. Kad �takori napuste brod koji tone, kamo zapravo oni misle da idu?
Douglas Gauck
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